


I Will, Always

by lost_stickie_note



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: #stickieallover, AO3 needs more Zhangjun smut, Angst, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Lemon, M/M, Mutual Pining, Porn With Plot, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-05-25 18:31:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 50,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14983070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_stickie_note/pseuds/lost_stickie_note
Summary: Falling in love with your best friend is beautiful, messy, gut-wrenching.But neither Lin Yanjun or You Zhangjing can help themselves.Smut warning (Ch. 4, Ch. 5, Ch. 6, Ch. 9).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first time writing a fanfic in a long time, but I couldn't resist the pull of Zhangjun. Please be advised that this fanfic does contain smut. In addition, this fanfic switches back and forth between Lin Yanjun/You Zhangjing for POV. 
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated! 
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta-reader, you know who you are. :)

Yanjun’s face hurt.

 

They had been doing fanmeets and other promotional activities non-stop, and it was starting to take a toll on him. The constant smiling and talking was not something he was as accustomed to, and now it felt as if he couldn’t even hide anymore. _At least during Idol Producer, there were more people to focus on._ He sighed inwardly. Since debuting in Nine Percent, the spotlight was stronger than ever, and recently the tiredness felt like it was seeping deep into his bones, settling there as a constant reminder. He turned in his seat slightly to face away from the bright lights. A headache was starting to come on. _A goddamn shower would be so nice right now._

 

His gaze settled on Zhangjing a seat over past Ziyi. The older boy was making cute faces at the crowd, trying to amuse his fans while the host was explaining the next segment. Yanjun couldn’t stop the grin that tugged at the corner of his lips. _You Zhangjing, you are so childish._ Bemused, he watched his groupmate and long-time friend make a peace sign while puffing out his cheeks into a pout. Sometimes Yanjun was jealous of how his friend pulled off fan interactions effortlessly, seemingly never tired of the onslaught of people asking for fanservice.

 

Zhangjing turned and caught his eye, immediately flashing him a huge smile with his bunny teeth. Yanjun rolled his eyes in response, and he could see Zhangjing break out into a giggle. He leaned in behind Ziyi who gave him a questioning look but thankfully didn’t react. He mouthed the words _I’m so damn tired_ to Zhangjing, hoping that no one in the audience could see. The older boy’s face immediately settled into a concerned look.

 

“So Yanjun what do you think?” The host’s voice snapped him back to the present, and he gulped with nervousness.

 

“Uh….” He couldn’t even remember what the question was. _Damnit._

Zhangjing’s voice cut through his panicked thoughts, smoothly saving him from having to answer. “Well, this is what _actually_ happened….”

He closed his eyes briefly, relieved that he wasn’t caught not paying attention.

 

_Thank you, You Zhangjing._

 

* * *

 

 

The fanmeet was nearing to a close, and Yanjun mustered up all his energy to do the final waves and goodbyes before exiting the stage. He could feel Zhangjing slip up silently next to him, nudging him with a shoulder, and he felt comforted. _Almost done._ They walked behind the curtains side by side, close enough to brush each other a few times.

 

“We’re done for today!” Yanjun shot a grateful look towards Xukun. He couldn’t deny that he had his doubts at first, but the kid sure was turning out to be a great leader. Though Yanjun had originally thought being the leader of Nine Percent would be fun, now he realized just how much energy the activities alone took out of him. It had pleased him greatly in the past few weeks seeing Xukun taking on the leadership responsibilities and succeeding beyond expectations.

 

He watched as Xukun made his way over to Ziyi, their heads close together talking in low voices. He had come to realize how serious the both of them were comparatively, and they often were seen discussing team responsibilities in hushed tones, unwilling to push the extra load onto the other members. Watching them, he felt simultaneously old and young at the same time.

 

A tug on his sleeve caught his attention. “Lin Yanjun, are you okay?”

 

He could feel his heart melt slightly at the anxious and caring tone from Zhangjing. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit of a headache because of the lights.”

 

The older boy was biting his already chapped lower lip hard enough to draw some blood. Yanjun forced his expression into a smile, and gently brushed his thumb over the other’s lower lip at the red pinprick. “Stop biting your lip. You’re going to hurt yourself and regret it later. Your lips are too chapped.”

 

He could feel his heart speed up as a light blush dusted Zhangjing’s cheeks. “I just forgot my chapstick, okay?”

 

The words came out in an angry huff, and Yanjun couldn’t help the throaty laugh that escaped his mouth.

 

“Idiot.” He lightly flicked the older boy’s forehead, and his laugh intensified as Zhangjing gave him a truly affronted look.

 

“Stop laughing at me!” The sharp retort was music to his ears, and he wordlessly reached into his pocket to find his own chapstick.

 

“Here, put some on.”

 

He couldn’t help but be amused at the angry looks even as Zhangjing obediently followed his directions, uncapping Yanjun’s chapstick and giving his lips a few swipes. He missed the older boy’s next words, too busy staring at the moist gleam that took over Zhangjing’s lips, giving them a plumper and more delicious look.

_I wonder what it would be like to kiss you._

 

“Lin Yanjun, are you paying attention?”

 

The cheesy line flew out of his mouth without even thinking. “Of course I’m paying attention when I’m with you. You’re the only thing I think about.”

 

The subsequent wink caused Zhangjing to giggle and make exaggerated gagging motions. “Lin Yanjun, you like cold jokes way too much.”

 

Alas, if only it was actually a joke.

 

Yanjun gritted his teeth and pretended.

 

* * *

 

 

_Yes, home sweet home._

He really wanted to flop down on the bed, and almost considered doing so. Zhangjing had immediately run off to get some food as they got back, leaving him alone in their room. _Our room._ His cheeks warmed reflexively thinking about how they were finally in the same room. Yanjun was thankful that they ended up rooming together. Zhangjing understood him well, and never pushed him to have conversation when all he wanted to do was get under the blankets and watch tv.

 

He had wanted to tear his hair out in agitation at some points during Idol Producer. The whole experience had made him miss his Banana dorm room with Zhangjing desperately. It seemed as if every time he got back to his room after practice, he was still expected to continuing interacting with people. Most of the time, he just wanted to have alone time after filming.

 

 _Thank god I didn’t have to be roommates with the Yuehua kids_. He still loved them dearly, but they didn’t seem to have an off button, and Yanjun was consistently baffled by the amount of energy they still seemed to have after a long day of promotions.

 

Unfortunately, he felt sweaty and gross and desperately needed a shower first.

 

Usually, he’d wait until Zhangjing showered first so that the older boy didn’t have to wait for him to finish his long showers, but Zhangjing had made no mention of when he’d be back from getting food before darting off. He stood unsteadily in the middle of the room, feeling his headache intensify. There were no more distractions, and now that it was quiet, all he could feel was the throbbing in his head, echoing like a drum next to his ear. He didn’t want to sit down either, unwilling to touch anything clean in the room with the sweat still sticking to his skin like a second layer.

 

He whipped out his phone to send Zhangjing a quick text. “When are you coming back?”

 

Yanjun stared at his phone, irritated, willing it to pop up a text notification. He could feel the frustration rising up, making his headache even worse. Fifteen minutes had passed, and there was still no response. _You Zhangjing, you can’t even bother to respond to me now?_ He waited until another ten minutes had passed.

 

_Fuck it, I need that shower._

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing dashed off to the cafeteria as soon as they got back. His stomach had been growling for the better part of an hour, and he wasn’t willing to wait any longer. “I’m getting food, Lin Yanjun.”

 

He saw the younger boy open his mouth as if to say something, but he ignored it. _He can just tell me when I get back._

Zhangjing could see Zhengting ahead of him, clearly having the same exact thoughts, and he sped up his pace a bit to catch up. The younger boy appeared to hear his footsteps coming up from behind, and he turned slightly to flash Zhangjing a brilliant smile. “Ugh, I feel like we’re always the only two eating so much.”

 

He could feel his heart skip a beat. Zhengting was perhaps one of the most beautiful boys he had ever laid eyes on, exuding a very different charm from Yanjun, which intrigued him greatly.

 

At first, Yanjun had made him blush with his pick-up lines every day and dimpled smile, but he had gotten used to it after a while. Yanjun had become a habit that he quickly fell into, and their routine never got old for him. He was delighted whenever Yanjun tested his new cold jokes on him, and they came off as being so genuine, that Zhangjing had to constantly remind himself that he was only the test subject.

 

Zhengting was still relatively new however, and Zhangjing still couldn’t keep back the awe he felt whenever the younger boy interacted with him. He hadn’t been joking when he told everyone that Zhengting was a 360 degree beauty, with no flaws in any direction. And sometimes, he wondered to himself how he managed to get stuck in a group with all the insanely attractive people.

 

“At least you don’t have to watch your weight and diet.” He sighed.

 

Zhengting gave him a sympathetic smile. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

 

The younger boy leaned down slightly, and Zhangjing felt his breath hitch as his cheeks were being pinched. “Your cheeks are so cute and pinchable though. Don’t lose so much weight that your cheeks disappear.”

 

“T-t-thank you.” Zhangjing could feel himself stuttering, and he kicked himself inwardly. _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._ He had seen Zhengting pinch Quanzhe’s cheeks all the time, but they were from the same company and close. He never thought that the younger boy would also pinch his cheeks too. Zhangjing couldn’t decide if he felt more indignant, embarrassed, or pleased. The combination of feelings shifted around in his stomach, and he could feel the flush rising from his neck.

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

_Crap, his smile was dazzling._

Thankfully, they reached the cafeteria, distracting him from his awkward feelings. Zhangjing felt his mouth water as all the food came into view. He immediately went and grabbed a bun, stuffing it into his mouth hungrily. The light melodic laughter made him whip his head around, catching the view of Zhengting clutching his sides.

 

Zhangjing paused mid-chew.

 

_Crap. Did I embarrass myself again?_

 

As if reading his mind, Zhengting shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I always get made fun of for pigging out, and it’s nice to see someone else be just as happy about food.”

 

He waited patiently for Zhengting to grab some food before sitting down at a table. “Still can’t believe we’re the only ones hungry after today.”

 

Zhangjing nodded in agreement, and they fell easily into a conversation. It felt comfortable talking about the fanmeet, how they thought the day went, their fans, and he was glad that there was someone to accompany him while eating.

 

“Shouldn’t you get that?”

 

Zhengting pointed at Zhangjing’s phone. “It just went off. I think you got a text.”

 

“Nah, it’s probably just Lin Yanjun with another cold joke to tell me.” He picked up another bun and took a bite. “It can wait till later.”

 

The younger boy raised an eyebrow at him, his voice taking on a teasing tone. “I didn’t realize you ever ignored Lin Yanjun.”

 

Zhangjing scrunched up his face in response. _I should probably bring back some food for him though. And maybe some medicine for the headache._ He vaguely remembered having some leftover in their room. Hopefully he could find it when he went upstairs. “Seriously, no worries, I’ll find out what he wants later.”

 

Zhengting nodded thoughtfully at him, continuing their chat.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun hissed slightly as the cold water hit his head and quickly backed up into the corner. He grabbed at the wall of the shower, trying to keep his balance by leaning up against the side. The cool tile felt good against his forehead, and he could feel the headache receding slightly. Shower time was one of the most comforting parts of his day. In the bathroom, he didn’t have to worry about pleasing people, and in all honesty, he enjoyed being alone with his thoughts.

 

He dipped his fingers into the stream of water, testing the temperature. _Good, extra hot just the way I like it._ As he stepped into the water fully, he sighed with pleasure. A piping hot shower was just what he needed to melt away the throbbing in his head.

 

A frown crossed his face as he thought about Zhangjing not responding to his text. _He never ignores my texts._ Yanjun squeezed a generous amount of shampoo into his palm, raking his hands through his hair a bit more aggressively than usual, the irritation seeping back into his brain.

 

Recently, he had felt a bit off with Zhangjing. It wasn’t that he was uncomfortable, more so that he had realized that he was _too_ comfortable with the older boy. It wasn’t until he was pacing back and forth frantically on the little patch of flooring in front of his number 5 spot, whispering empty prayers to the sky above while trying to calm his racing thoughts, that he realized how much he needed Zhangjing. He hadn’t really been expecting to make the final group himself, and the shocking numbness that had spread through him at the time was immediately extinguished when he realized that Zhangjing technically wasn’t safe yet.

 

That Zhangjing had still yet to come up to be next to him.

 

So he had stood up, too nervous to sit in those final moments, his hands clenching and unclenching into fists. He was afraid. Afraid that he would have made the final group without Zhangjing. And then what would he do then? He remembered thinking that he had stupidly forgotten to mention Zhangjing in his thank you speech, and he had wondered if karma would decide to bite him in the ass for it.

The tension drained from his body when Zhangjing’s name was announced, and his groupmate had come up eagerly to give him a hug. And as the older boy melted into his embrace, Yanjun had felt his heart beat faster. He could still smell the scent of the fruity shampoo that Zhangjing used as the older boy had nestled into his shoulder, and he could still hear the soft words that accompanied the light breath on his earlobe.

 

_We made it, Lin Yanjun._

He snapped out of his reverie as he brought the soap up to wash his face. _Shit, I’m already pruning._ Yanjun quickly finished off his shower routine, grimacing as he scrubbed hard at his skin. He hated feeling like there was any sweat left on his body so he was always as thorough as possible. He noticed some redness as he scrubbed and mentally made a note to ask Zhangjing for some appropriate skin care products when the boy got back.

 

Yanjun’s mind drifted off to the day’s events. The fanmeet had gone well, and he couldn’t help but sneak peeks at the older boy throughout the few hours. He never quite got tired of seeing Zhangjing act cute, and he especially took pleasure in it when his friend turned towards him while doing so. The older boy’s smile would always widen even further upon catching his eye, and Yanjun always pretended that it happened only when Zhangjing faced him specifically.

 

He closed his eyes, running back the timeline in his head. Zhangjing had accepted his chapstick without hesitation, and he wondered if it meant anything. Yanjun could see the older boy swiping the chapstick over his lips on the back of his eyelids, and he felt a tightness come up in his chest followed by a yearning deep in his groin.

 

_Zhangjing rubbing his lips together afterwards._

His left hand moved downward to begin stroking his cock, half hard already. He concentrated on slowly tugging, hissing with desire as he rubbed his thumb over the tip after each stroke.

 

_The older boy with his plump and pink kissable lips, always biting his lower one in a pout._

Yanjun could feel himself lightly panting now. He gasped a bit at the feeling of fullness that was starting to build up, and he could feel the lust beginning to cloud his mind. His eyes closed, imagining the feeling of biting Zhangjing’s lower lip while kissing him deeply. Yanjun swore aloud as he accidentally bit his own lip.

 

His hand was moving faster now, his grip slightly slick under the falling water. The rhythmic motion was starting to feel more pleasurable, and he felt himself harden even further.

 

_The light blush that always crossed Zhangjing’s cheeks when he used his pick-up lines._

_Zhangjing on his knees looking up at him with that blush._

He couldn’t keep back the deep moans now. He could feel himself getting more and more aroused, the pressure building up to an unbearable amount. Yanjun felt how big he was, just how hard he was thinking about the older boy, and he began to pump his hand faster, urging on the feeling of release.

 

_Those plump lips opening up to accept his cock._

_Zhangjing’s undoubtedly embarrassed but eager gaze._

_Eager to please him._

He looked up at the ceiling, reveling in the feeling of his hand going back and forth. Back and forth. _Shit, I’m so close._ Yanjun gritted his teeth. He was edging, and he could feel the precipice getting closer and closer.

 

_Zhangjing letting him pump into his mouth, letting him go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth._

_The feeling of gripping the back of the older boy’s head, fingers tangled in his slightly curly hair, making sure to control the pace._

_While feeling Zhangjing’s mouth close over his cock, slicking it with spit._

He could feel it coming. His body shivered with anticipation.

_A warm cavern, with the older boy’s tongue rolling over the tip of his cock, teasing him while sucking him off._

_Zhangjing struggling cutely to take the full length of his cock into his mouth._

_That oh-so-innocent face looking up at him all the while._

Yanjun imagined his cock in Zhangjing’s mouth as he came, letting out a deep moan. A shot of pleasure ran through his body and went straight to his head, making him feel dizzy and weak. He kept his eyes closed and let the bright spots dance in front of him as he leaned against the wall for support. After a few seconds, he opened them, making sure the shower water washed away any evidence left on the wall and floor.

 

He was startled out of his thoughts when he heard a loud knock on the door. “Lin Yanjun, are you done yet??”

 

Yanjun swore inwardly as he looked down at his cock, which twitched instinctively upon hearing Zhangjing’s voice.

 

“Just one minute!!” He yelled out.

 

There was still some stickiness left on his hand, a remnant of him having utterly and completely inappropriate sexual thoughts about his groupmate, and more importantly, his _best friend._ Someone he would definitely not risk having _no_ relationship with in order to find out whether a romantic relationship would be possible.

 

_Fuck, I’m definitely going to hell for this._

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing bid his good night to Zhengting, hastily stuffing a few pieces of Yanjun’s favorite bread in a napkin. _Lin Yanjun’s probably hungry by now._ He hoped he wasn’t too late in getting Yanjun his snack. The younger boy always became a tad grumpy if he didn’t get his fill of bread, and the headache today would probably amplify that feeling. Absentmindedly, he glanced at his phone, wondering what Yanjun had wanted from earlier.

 

“When are you coming back?” The text flashed up at him accusatorily.

 

Zhangjing let out a loud swear, the sound echoing off the walls as he began a run up the stairs instead of using a lazy walk.

He knew Yanjun hated waiting.

 

The boy burst into their dorm room, slightly out of breath. “I’m here…Lin Yanjun.” A babble of apologies were about to spill out of his mouth when he realized that the younger boy wasn’t even present in their room. The sound of the shower running came from behind their closed bathroom door, and Zhangjing relaxed. _I guess he couldn’t wait until I got back._

He set the small pile of bread down on their desk, taking a seat on Yanjun’s bottom bunk, making sure to lay down a clean sheet before sitting. The younger boy didn’t tolerate outside clothes on his bed, and Zhangjing made especially sure to not dirty the bed every time. He remembered them getting their room assignment after playing rock-paper-scissors. Normally, he preferred the bottom bunk, but he also knew that Yanjun wasn’t the hugest fan of heights. So he had relented, taking the top bunk instead.

 

But in actuality Zhangjing felt that he spent more time on Yanjun’s bed. He was only ever really in his own bed for sleeping. If they ever had chats or the younger boy just wanted to watch tv, both of them sprawled out on the bottom bunk. Yanjun would tuck his feet up, and the older boy would make himself comfortable at the other end after grabbing his own pillows to lean against the opposite edge. It was a good ritual, and Zhangjing liked that the position allowed him to peek at Yanjun without being obvious. The younger boy would get so engrossed in his show that he wouldn’t notice Zhangjing studying his face. It made him happy to look at Yanjun for long periods, committing the curves of the boy’s face to memory.

 

He didn’t remember when his feelings for Yanjun started.

 

Maybe it was when the younger boy snuck him food as he was miserable on his diet, quietly accepting the company punishment for ordering outside food. Every time, he guiltily watched Yanjun run laps in silence, who never told anyone that the food was for Zhangjing not himself.

 

Or maybe it was when he was sick and heard that knock at the door. When he opened it, Yanjun was standing there looking down at his feet, one hand casually in his pocket, looking like a page out of a manga. The younger boy had thrusted the paper bag into his face, and all he heard was Yanjun’s gruff voice. “I got you medicine. Take it.”

 

Or perhaps it was the way the younger boy’s face melted into an easy, lazy smile every time he caught his eye the past week at their fanmeets.

 

Either way, it didn’t matter.

 

If there was one thing Zhangjing knew with certainty, it was that he would never have the courage to confess to Yanjun directly.

 

He couldn’t risk losing his best friend.

 

But it was getting harder and harder to push down his feelings, the more time they spent with each other. Zhangjing wasn’t sure whether he was happy or scared when they found out they were rooming together.

 

Happy that he would get to spend more time with his best friend.

 

Scared that he would be spending so much extra time with someone who could only ever be a best friend.

 

Zhangjing checked his phone again. Ten minutes had gone by, and he had only come after spending an hour and a half with Zhengting. Sometimes he was scared of how long Yanjun spent in the shower, wondering if he may have fainted or hit his head. His phone showed that the time had already passed 11. _If he doesn’t get out of the shower now, we’ll never get to sleep._

He went up to knock on the door loudly. “Lin Yanjun, are you done yet??”

 

Zhangjing sighed.

 

Yanjun had probably responded, but he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of the water and the bathroom fan. He pressed his face up against the door to make sure the younger boy could hear him. “Lin Yanjun, you need to fini-“

 

He couldn’t hold back his yelp as his face was suddenly pressed up again a certain Lin Yanjun’s chest instead of the door he expected.

 

A very wet Lin Yanjun.

 

Naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist.

 

He moved back a step instinctively, but too quickly, and he could feel himself losing his balance. The younger boy’s hand wrapped around his wrist prevented him from falling, and he got a better look at Yanjun.

 

The other boy’s hair was still pretty wet, a few strands plastered to his face, with the rest sticking up at odd angles. Even messy, his hair perfectly set off his perfect features. Zhangjing dragged his gaze down the younger boy’s chest, his breath hitching slightly at seeing the drops of moisture still clinging to Yanjun’s toned body. He could see the outline of the younger one’s abs come in and out of focus as each breath was taken.

 

Then his gaze went down further and further, resting on the quickly tied towel knot an inch or two too low for his sanity. Zhangjing could see the tips of Yanjun’s well defined hip bones, leading down, down, down. He could feel the flush coming, the heat rising in his cheeks and the tips of his ears.

 

Zhangjing flicked his eyes back up to Yanjun’s face.

 

That was a mistake.

 

The younger boy was looking at him with a smoldering intensity that only he could pull off without trying. Zhangjing felt Yanjun’s gaze boring through him, feeling as if he was being stripped naked, being stripped down layer by layer to reveal all the feelings and desires he had for the boy facing him.

 

_Help._

* * *

 

Zhangjing had gotten back earlier than he thought, and the tone of the older one’s voice sounded urgent. Yanjun quickly stepped out of the shower, tying his towel around his waist tightly. He wondered why Zhangjing was in such a hurry.

 

He swung open the bathroom door, and almost immediately heard a yelp from a very surprised Zhangjing. Yanjun reached out his hand deftly to grab his friend’s wrist, anticipating the falling motion. _You Zhangjing, you are entirely too clumsy._ His friend was frozen, in shock he assumed. Yanjun saw the red creeping up the older boy’s neck, and a smirk immediately crossed his face.

_You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed._

An almost evil thought flitted through his head.

 

Time to have a little fun.

 

He affixed his gaze on his prey. “What were you doing when I texted? Why didn’t you respond?”

 

Zhangjing began stumbling over his words, stammering. _Good._ “I was eating with Zhengting. I’m so sorry I didn’t come back right away. I thought you just wanted to run your new jokes by me, I swear.”

 

Yanjun bit back his annoyance, but he could feel his eyes narrowing slightly in anger. Not exactly the response he wanted to hear. He ignored the small pit of jealousy that was brewing in his stomach. Zhangjing had recently been giving Zhengting almost reverent secret glances, and he hadn’t missed it. He could feel his jaw tighten up as his back teeth ground together.

_Okay, so Zhu Zhengting is attractive, but so am I._

He lowered his voice down to a dangerous purr. “So you were too busy eating with Zhengting to answer my text?”

 

He watched the older boy start to squirm under his gaze, not able to find the correct response to answer him with. “Or did you _purposely_ ignore my text?” He took steps forward, watching with pleasure as Zhangjing began blushing harder, simultaneously trying to back up and answer at the same time.

 

Yanjun half growled, half laughed at the older boy’s squeak of surprise as he backed up far too quickly, hitting Yanjun’s bunk and falling backwards onto his bed.

_Perfect._

“I think someone needs to apologize for being wrong.”

 

His voice took on a hard edge, and he smirked at Zhangjing widening his eyes in almost comical terror. _I could get used to him lying on my bed._ Yanjun moved his arms to trap the older boy and leaned in his face so that their noses were almost touching. “ _Someone_ was wrong today and needs to make it up to me.”

 

“Lin Yanjun, you’re getting me wet!” The older boy’s voice came out in almost a whine, frantically trying to twist away from Yanjun’s still dripping hair.

 

_Fuck._

 

Yanjun had to use all his willpower to suppress a groan of arousal and to wipe away the image of Zhangjing being a squirming, whining mess under him during sex. “I’m not moving until you apologize.”

 

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry, and I’ll make it up to you!”

 

“Good.” Yanjun murmured, pressing a swift kiss on the older boy’s forehead before turning tail to return back into the bathroom for his clothes.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing almost had a heart attack when Yanjun started leaning towards him. _Why is he getting closer?_ The panic in his mind was overwhelming him, and he couldn’t string together the words to respond to Yanjun’s question. “I was eating with Zhengting. I’m so sorry I didn’t come back right away. I thought you just wanted to run your new jokes by me, I swear.” He managed to blurt out a semi-put together response, and he relaxed a bit.

 

Then tensed up again when he saw Yanjun narrow his eyes. _Oh no, he looks angry._

He couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his spine as the younger boy took on a throaty, almost seductive tone. “So you were too busy eating with Zhengting to answer my text?”

 

_Yes. No. I don’t know._

Zhangjing could feel his muscles turning to jelly. _Move your legs, stupid._ “Or did you _purposely_ ignore my text?” There was a dangerous glint in Yanjun’s eyes, and he felt like he was being sized up in order to be eaten. Suddenly, the feeling returned to his legs, and he was grateful that they began to move of their own accord, rightfully taking the steps to back up from danger without him having to tell them to.

 

A squeak came out as he found himself falling backwards, and he cursed his legs for not remembering that Yanjun’s bed was _goddamn right behind me._

“I think someone needs to apologize for being wrong.”

 

Zhangjing widened his eyes, too terrified to voice his objections as Yanjun’s face came closer and closer. _I’m not a slave that has to always do your bidding._ He wanted to retort but couldn’t bring up the words. _Fuck, Lin Yanjun is attractive, fuck._ He wasn’t paying attention to what the younger boy was saying anymore, but the sudden feeling of water on his face gave him a shock.

 

“Lin Yanjun, you’re getting me wet!” He moved his hands to try and bat away the droplets.

 

“I’m not moving until you apologize.”

 

_Lin Yanjun is so damn stubborn._

Zhangjing gave in. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry, and I’ll make it up to you!”

 

It happened so quickly that he thought he may have imagined it. But his forehead burned as if scalded by Yanjun’s lips pressing down too hard.

 

And Zhangjing could only gape at the lines of Yanjun’s perfect back as he turned around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked my first attempt at a Zhangjun fic! I anticipate posting at least one chapter per week, maybe more frequently, until the fanfic is finished. 
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are appreciated. :)
> 
> Would be happy to talk about 9%/IP or about other random things!  
> Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote)  
> CuriousCat: [Requests/Prompts/Random Chat](https://curiouscat.me/loststickienote)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter. :) I really appreciate it, and comments encourage me to write quickly to get updates up. I hope everyone enjoys this next chapter, it was a pleasure to write. :D
> 
> I have tried to keep the story as canon as possible, but there are little Zhangjun moments that I liked but may have incorporated out of order timeline-wise comparatively. 
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta-reader, you know who you are. :)

He groaned when he felt the light hit his eyes. “Lin Yanjun, we’re going to be late. Hurry up!” Zhangjing swam into focus in the corner of his vision. The older boy was already dressed and eating food. “You only have 15 minutes left to get ready. I already picked out some clothes. Just hurry up!”

 

Yanjun shot up from the bed. “Wait? 15 minutes? Why didn’t you wake me earlier?”

 

“I woke up late too!!” Zhangjing grabbed a bag filled with some of their everyday supplies, water, snacks, and various other items. “I’ll meet you downstairs.”

 

He swore under his breath as he was getting dressed. He hated being late and must have forgotten to set him alarm last night. Yanjun felt the blood drain from his face. _Last night, I kissed You Zhangjing._ It was just a kiss on the forehead, but he had never done anything like that before. As far as he could tell, Zhangjing wasn’t acting differently this morning. Yanjun made a mental note to watch Zhangjing closely today for any awkwardness. _Crap._ He had forgotten to ask Zhangjing for skincare products yesterday, and some of his skin now felt dry and scratchy.

 

Too late to worry about that now.

 

He struggled quickly into the clothes that the older boy had laid out for him, thankful that he didn’t need to take any extra time. 5 minutes left. Yanjun was panting from running down the stairs by the time he got to the entrance. Zhangjing was chatting with Zhengting, and their conversation from yesterday flashed through his head. _When did Zhangjing and Zhengting get close?_

_Forget it._

 

But Yanjun couldn’t shake off the irritation he felt that Zhangjing hadn’t even looked his way when he arrived.

 

He instead sidled up to NongNong, probably his second favorite member after Zhangjing, followed him onto the bus and sat next to him.

 

* * *

 

 

_Why was Lin Yanjun not coming over?_

Zhangjing glanced over, feeling a little hurt that the younger boy had instead chosen NongNong. He knew they had been getting closer as friends lately, but he still thought he was Yanjun’s first choice for seating or any other activities. He was already not allowed to sit next to Yanjun during fanmeets due to their group seating line-up.

 

He had even grabbed some bread for Yanjun on his way out, assuming that the younger boy wouldn’t have time to eat breakfast due to being late. “You brought snacks for Lin Yanjun?” Zhengting’s quizzical face appeared in the seat next to him, startling him.

 

“Uh, no. They’re just snacks for everyone.” He said shyly. Zhengting even looked good early in the morning with very little makeup. “Oh, then can I have some?” Before he could even reply, the Yuehua boy had taken it out of his hands to start eating.

 

“I was too busy trying to get Fan ChengCheng and Justin up to get breakfast.” Zhengting explained. “So I’m starving right now.”

 

Zhangjing giggled. “Sounds like we both have children to wake up.”

 

The other boy seemed taken aback by the comment, but then relaxed into a smile. “Yeah, I guess we do.”

 

He smiled back at Zhengting as the other boy started to launch into his long list of woes since he had to be the responsible one in the company. Zhangjing never imagined they would have as much in common as they did. He was so absorbed in their conversation that he completely missed the angry looks Yanjun was shooting their way.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun felt annoyance watching the two of them interact. It didn’t help that they were sitting directly in his sightline. They seemed to be laughing over something, and he scowled thinking about it. He was responsible for making Zhangjing laugh, not Zhengting. “You look like a lovesick puppy.”

 

He whipped his head around to face his friend, wincing as he turned too fast. “I do NOT.”

 

Yanjun glared at NongNong who was trying to pass off the comment innocently. “I know what you’re trying to do.”

 

NongNong shrugged nonchalantly and offered Yanjun his last bun as a peace offering. “If you don’t do anything, then someone is bound to proposition him sooner or later. He’s like a little ball of sunshine. Easy to be around and lovable.”

 

_Unlike you._

 

The unspoken words felt like a stab to the heart. It was true that Zhangjing managed to get along with everyone much easier than him. He was almost exasperated about the number of trainees Zhangjing had befriended in such a short time during their stint on Idol Producer. He was popular enough with so many people that Yanjun may not have ever gotten alone time with him. _Thank god the producers always wanted to put us together._

 

He looked wistfully over, wishing he was the one sitting in Zhengting’s place. Absentmindedly, he began to scratch at his wrist. There was a dry spot, an unfortunate casualty of yesterday’s shower. Now that he thought about it, he had forgotten to do skincare last night also. After kissing Zhangjing on the forehead, he had pulled on a pair of boxers and crawled straight into bed, burrowing under the covers. He had avoided looking at Zhangjing on the off chance the other boy had a negative reaction to the situation.

 

In the moment, Yanjun had felt good about teasing the older boy, but afterwards, all he could think about was whether Zhangjing thought it was weird or off-putting. He had to assume there was just so much that a person could put up with before a line was crossed.

 

The itching on his left hand gave him an idea. “Be right back NongNong.”

 

He strode over to the seats where Zhangjing was sitting. Looking past Zhengting in the aisle seat, he pinned his gaze on Zhangjing. “You Zhangjing, did you pack any lotion in your bag?” They often shared skincare products, and maybe the older boy remembered to grab his too on the way out the door. He was hopeful about his albeit slightly lame conversation starter. Maybe Yanjun would get a sign that he and Zhangjing were still on good terms.

 

“Oh, I have some you can use!” Yanjun glanced at Zhengting, surprised at the generous offer. _Shit, Zhu Zhengting is actually really pretty._ Even without makeup, he had perfect skin and smile was charming too. _This is weird._ Zhengting was known to have a lot of beauty products but didn’t often go around sharing as much as some of the others.

 

Yanjun wasn’t quite sure what to say, and the indecision must have shown on his face because Zhengting stopped flashing his smile towards him. Suddenly, Zhangjing’s scolding voice interrupted his thought process. “Lin Yanjun, stop frowning and accept the offer graciously. You’re being rude.”

 

He gave Zhangjing an incredulous look. But before he could respond, Zhengting had already jumped in. “It’s okay that Lin Yanjun is grumpy in the mornings.” The Yuehua boy held out two different bottles of lotion for him to take.

 

“You’re too nice Zhu Zhengting.” Zhangjing’s smile directed at Zhengting made Yanjun’s stomach churn uncomfortably. “No problem You Zhangjing. Lin Yanjun is important to you, so he’s important to me as well.”

 

A light blush spread over Zhangjing’s cheeks, and Yanjun felt like screaming. The older boy was making adoring eyes at Zhengting, and for once, Yanjun felt like the third wheel instead of Zhangjing’s other half. “Ummm, uhhh, well I guess I’ll take these.” He awkwardly grabbed the lotion from Zhengting and turned away before Zhangjing could see the angry expression on his face.

 

NongNong looked up at him questioningly as he went back to his seat, but he just shook his head.

 

That didn’t feel like a win at all.

 

* * *

 

 

To make matters worse, the two of them were paired off for one of the fanmeet games. Yanjun stared at the both of them being all smiles, with Zhangjing doing a sit-up while passing off a Pocky stick to Zhengting. Each time, the fans would scream too, punctuating the moment that was irritating him. His eyes widened as NongNong put a broken short piece into Zhangjing’s mouth, almost short enough that passing it off would ensure that they would kiss. _I’m going to kill NongNong later._

 

He was pretty relieved when the fanmeet was over. Yanjun headed backstage and was surprised to find Zhangjing next to him. The shorter boy matched his steps, and he was grateful for the silence between them. Yanjun didn’t want to get into any more misunderstandings for the day.

 

He relaxed into his seat, happy that Zhangjing had also followed him on to the bus and to the seat next to him this time. He let the older boy take the window seat today. All he wanted to do was sleep on the way back and try to erase the memory of his shitty day. “You Zhangjing, let me lean on you to sleep.” He rested his head down on the older boy’s shoulder. Yanjun took Zhangjing’s lack of objections as acceptance and made himself comfortable.

 

Yanjun could feel his eyes closing and becoming heavy.

 

“Hey, You Zhangjing, do you want to get dinner with me tomorrow night?”

 

_Odd, that didn’t sound like it came from him._

He forced himself to shake off his drowsiness. Zhengting was leaning over him to talk to Zhangjing, and Yanjun sighed inwardly. This day wasn’t getting any better. “There’s a new restaurant I’ve been meaning to try out, and I got a reservation for 2.”

 

This had really gone on for long enough.

 

“Sorry, Zhu Zhengting. You Zhangjing already has a date with me tomorrow.” He declared firmly. His hand reached out to grab Zhangjing’s wrist, and he squeezed lightly for reassurance. The older boy gave him a quizzical look but didn’t correct Yanjun. “I’ve been planning this for a while.”

 

Zhengting looked crestfallen, but Yanjun couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment. His head was swimming with all the possibilities.

 

_I just told him that You Zhangjing and I are going on a date._

He wasn’t sure whether or not had had made a huge mistake.

 

Yanjun turned his head to look at Zhangjing, and any regret left him instantly. The older boy was beaming at him, and he felt his stomach flip flop as he felt Zhangjing’s hand reaching for his. Their hands slid together with fingers interlocked, and all of a sudden, the day didn’t seem so bad after all. Zhangjing’s hand, cool and soft, was snug up against his, and Yanjun hoped that his hand didn’t feel too sweaty and gross to the older boy. _How are his hands so soft?_

 

The moment was interrupted by Justin’s sharp yell. “What? You Zhangjing and Lin Yanjun are going on a date? A real date?”

 

Great, now everyone knew.                                                                                                                                        

* * *

 

“Lin Yanjun, are we really going on a date tomorrow?” Zhangjing asked when they were finally alone in their room. “You didn’t tell me before, and it’s not like you to wait until last minute to let me know about plans.”

 

He looked over at Yanjun, who has an impassive look on his face. The younger boy stared at him with an intensity that made him want to hide. _Lin Yanjun, what are you thinking?_ “You said you would make it up to me yesterday. And I haven’t been on a date in so long that I thought I could practice with you.” The words sounded casual coming from Yanjun, but Zhangjing still felt his heart speed up.

 

“So like a test date?”

 

The older boy nodded. But then Yanjun’s eyes narrowed slightly, and he shook his finger at the older boy. “But be prepared and don’t treat it as a joke. We’re going to do everything like a real date. Remember that you promised.”

 

Zhangjing was giddy.

 

After their conversation, they had quickly gotten ready for bed, but he couldn’t fall asleep. He wasn’t able to be more than best friends with Yanjun, but a chance for a date with the younger boy? That type of opportunity didn’t come every day. Even if it was just a practice run, he knew that tomorrow was going to be great. Yanjun never did anything half-heartedly, always putting in the maximal effort. He couldn’t help the feeling on excitement even after reminding himself that it was _just a test date, just a test date._

And he drifted off to sleep slowly with thoughts of Yanjun still in his head.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun was pleased that he managed to pass off his earlier declaration of a date as a friend activity. He still wasn’t sure how Zhangjing would react if he were to ever admit his feelings, and he didn’t really want to find out _now._ It was too soon, too sudden, and Yanjun didn’t know the perfect words use. And he still had the chance to take the older boy on a date, which is more than he would have dreamed of a few weeks ago. He silently thanked Zhengting for creating this opportunity in a roundabout way.

 

Now he just had to figure out what exactly to do for their date tomorrow.

 

Ideas upon ideas flowed through his head as sleep overtook him.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing woke up bothered.

 

He could still remember the traces of the dream he had, and he swore when he reached down. _Wet and sticky._ He turned over and screamed into his pillow. _I had a wet dream about Lin Yanjun again._ His dream had involved them going on a couple-filled activities date day, and then Yanjun had made love to him, had fucked him over and over passionately throughout the night. It had felt so real, and Zhangjing could almost still feel the touch of the older boy’s lips running over his body.

 

Zhangjing thought back to the first time he found out that Yanjun had sex with boys. He had gone to bed early that day, overwhelmed with tiredness. The younger boy had disappeared, most likely on another one of his random dates, and Zhangjing had not thought anything of it. But a few hours later, the light flooded into their room with the door cracked open. And he was ready to yell at Yanjun for waking him up again, for bringing back another girl, and to scold the younger boy to say that he would no longer would _stand for such disrespect in my own goddamn room._ The words hadn’t come out though for all he could think of was _that’s a guy’s voice, not a girl._

 

And suddenly, Zhangjing wasn’t sure how he felt.

 

He had previously brushed away the small feelings of a crush he had on Yanjun because who had the time to think about something that could never happen? But now, now Zhangjing saw all the potential open up, threatening to suffocate him. And he felt like he was hyperventilating because before where there was no possibility, now there was hope.

 

And hope was far heavier to bear than rejection.

 

Zhangjing had pretended he was asleep, even when he heard Yanjun ask. “You Zhangjing, did we wake you up?” He let the question linger in the air unanswered.

 

But he couldn’t stop the optimism from welling up inside of him as he listened quietly in the dark to the two lovers below him, wishing instead that he was the one Yanjun was whispering sweet nothings to.

 

The morning after, he had woken up sticky and wet, his mind still swirling with thoughts of the younger boy. After that, he had resigned himself to the fact that it would happen sometimes. And he couldn’t help himself from that day on. When he was feeling particularly antsy, he would wait until Yanjun had entered the shower, knowing that he would have at least a half an hour to himself. Sometimes, he felt guilty thinking about his best friend being so close while he jacked off. But mostly, he imagined himself and Yanjun in place of the two people on the screen as he stroked himself.

 

And sometimes, when he closed his eyes tightly at night, listening to Yanjun’s breathing as he fell asleep, he felt like he might have a chance.

 

Zhangjing carefully finished cleaning himself off and threw his underwear into his dirty laundry basket. _That’s curious._ Looking around the room while pulling on clothes, it was apparent that Yanjun had already left the room. _He never wakes up earlier than me._ He finished dressing and made his way down to the cafeteria. Walking in, he spotted NongNong sitting at a table with the Yuehua boys. After grabbing some buns and something to drink, he plopped down next to the Taiwanese boy.

 

“Hey, have any of you seen Lin Yanjun?”

 

NongNong nodded at him. “Yeah, he said he had something to do and left early. But he didn’t tell me what exactly.”

 

_Weird._

 

Before he could fall deeper into thought, ChengCheng spoke up. “Is it really true that you and Lin Yanjun are going on a date tonight?”

 

“Yeah, we heard you on the bus yesterday.” Justin interjected. “Fan ChengCheng and I had a bet on whether you or Lin Yanjun would ask out the other first. So we need to know what happened.”

 

ChengCheng grinned at him cheekily. “For research purposes, of course.”

 

“Oh, that. It’s nothing. Lin Yanjun said it’s just practice for his real dates.” Zhangjing attempted to wave off the slew of unwanted questions that were sure to follow if ChengCheng and Justin got involved. He was so busy looking down at his food to avoid their pestering that he didn’t notice the relieved look on Zhengting’s face or the thoughtful look from NongNong.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun felt ecstatic.

 

He had successfully snuck out of their room this morning without waking up the older boy. The following few hours was spent scouting out a few choice locations for their date. After walking around, he had finally settled on a hotpot place next to karaoke. _Perfect._ He knew the older boy loved hotpot, and karaoke was one of Zhangjing’s favorite pastimes. Yanjun knew that Zhangjing could sing for hours and hours on end if no one stopped him.

 

And on the way back, he had caught a glimpse of a flower shop out of the corner of his eye. Ten minutes later, he came out with half a dozen red roses wrapped nicely in a small bouquet. The florist had asked whether the flowers were for a special someone, offering him a small card to write on and accompany the flowers. Unsure, Yanjun had refused the card, but he was still delighted with his purchase. _I’m sure You Zhangjing will love them._

He made sure to check whether the hallway was clear before slinking off to NongNong’s room. The younger boy looked surprised to see him as he barged through the door. “Sorry, I just need a place to hide these for now.”

 

NongNong broke out into a grin upon seeing the flowers. “You’re really doing the most, aren’t you, Lin Yanjun? You’re so smitten.”

 

Yanjun was too tired from walking around in the heat to even retort. He flopped down on the other boy’s bed. “Where’s Xiao Gui?”

 

“He went out. Are you staying here until your date?”

 

He nodded at the younger boy and gestured at the bag he had brought with him. “Yeah, can I shower here? I brought my clothes too.”

 

“Of course. I support your relationship 100%. But you should really just tell him how you feel.” Ignoring his friend, Yanjun pulled his phone out of his pocket to send Zhangjing a text.

 

“I’m with NongNong right now. Make sure to get ready for our date. I’ll pick you up at our room at 6pm. Don’t be late.”

_Sent._

* * *

 

Zhangjing bit his lower lip nervously. He had just received the text from the younger boy, and he was now freaking out about what to wear. _Does Lin Yanjun expect me to dress up?_ Wracked with indecision, he decided to seek out some help. He knocked on the door. Xukun’s face peeked out at him from behind the door, and he could see Ziyi on the bottom bunk bed in the room. “You Zhangjing, did you need something?”

 

The leader’s kind voice gave him the encouragement he needed to outline his request. “Wang Ziyi, I was wondering if you could give me some fashion advice?” The other boy smiled back at him. “Sure, Cai Xukun and I would love to help.”

 

He felt a little embarrassed as the two boys followed him back to his room and proceeded to make him try on what felt like a million outfits. After an hour of advice, they finally settled on some black skinny jeans paired with a slightly oversized, long sleeved red and blue stripped shirt, tucking in one side only, claiming it was _fashionable_.

 

“Just wear your black shoes with it.” Ziyi rummaged through his pile of shoes and pulled out the right ones.

 

“Is this good enough though?” Zhangjing questioned.

 

“Don’t worry about it.” Xukun’s tone made him feel like he was being mothered. “Lin Yanjun likes it when you dress simply. He likes you just the way you are.”

 

“Good luck on your date.” Ziyi gave him another reassuring smile. “Remember to take a shower before you run out of time.”

 

Before he could ask what Xukun meant, the two of them slipped out of his room, giving him a friendly wave goodbye. Zhangjing quickly hopped in the shower, using extra shampoo and soap, and he hoped he smelled good and that Yanjun wouldn’t be able to smell his nervousness. The younger boy had an uncanny ability to sniff out whenever he was scared, nervous, or sad.

 

And the only thing he could do was wait after getting dressed.

 

He jumped up anxiously when he heard the knock at the door.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun pulled at his collar nervously. He had decided to go with an all-black ensemble for tonight, and he had punched NongNong lightly in the shoulder when the younger one wolf-whistled at the completed look. Even showering for an hour couldn’t quite calm his nerves, and he swore when he tried to button his shirt up, his fingers feeling clumsy. The roses were cradled in his arms, and he reached out to knock firmly on their room door.

 

He felt a bit breathless.

 

Zhangjing had his face tilted up slightly to meet his gaze with his mouth slightly agape. _Close your mouth silly._ A fondness ran over him, and he reached out his right hand to ruffle the older boy’s curly hair. “You look cute, You Zhangjing.”

 

The older boy blushed as he held the roses out, and Yanjun let out a laugh. “They’re for you. Do you like them?”

 

“I love them.” Zhangjing murmured softly, reaching out to accept the gift. “They’re really beautiful.”

 

Zhangjing was staring so intently at the bouquet that Yanjun wondered what was wrong. Finally, the older boy looked at him with a concerned and somewhat upset expression. “I don’t think we have a vase for them. I don’t want them to wither.”

 

Yanjun shook his head in exasperation. “Don’t worry about that, _sha gua_. Just appreciate them now, and if you want fresh ones, I can buy you more. Leave them on your bed for now.”

 

The older boy obediently placed the roses on his pillow and grabbed his outstretched hand, interlocking their fingers automatically. “Thank you, Lin Yanjun.” He smiled back at Zhangjing.

 

“Let’s go.”

 

A feeling of contentment settled over him as they started walking towards the restaurant. Zhangjing was chattering on, and Yanjun couldn’t fully concentrate on the conversation. The older boy was leaning in to him slightly, still holding his hand while they walked. He couldn’t help but feel giddy as he looked down at the shorter boy, his curly hair bouncing slightly with each step he took. _This is really happening._

Zhangjing squealed with delight when they reached the hotpot restaurant, and Yanjun rolled his eyes in amusement as the older boy freed his hand to pump his fist in the air like an excited kid. “Is this where we’re eating? I love hotpot. Lin Yanjun, I’m soooo hungry.”

 

And he let himself be pulled into the place, the air warm with the smell of delicious food.

 

They were seated quickly, and Yanjun let himself watch in bemusement as the older boy proceeded to order half the menu. “Are you really going to eat all of that?”

 

Zhangjing pouted, and he resisted the urge to kiss the boy. “Just watch me.”

 

The older boy looked especially cute today, and Yanjun smirked at the collar of Zhangjing’s shirt being upturned. He had made it a habit to fix the older boy’s clothes recently since there was always something inevitably messy about his clothes. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen that shirt before. When did you get it?”

 

He couldn’t resist laughing as Zhangjing started to turn bright red, matching the color of the stripes on his shirt. A few mumbled words came out, but Yanjun couldn’t quite hear. He asked again, and the older boy blurted out the truth. “Wang Ziyi let me borrow it. I didn’t know what to wear, so Cai Xukun and Wang Ziyi helped me dress.”

 

Yanjun didn’t press the topic further as he was afraid that Zhangjing would get even more embarrassed than he already was. But he was oddly pleased at the thought that the older boy was nervous enough about their date to seek help from their residential fashion guru. _He must be treating this like a real date._

 

The thought made him giddy with happiness.

 

It was fun watching the older boy dig into his food. Zhangjing was always so bright and happy whenever there was yummy food to eat that he sometimes forgot to eat himself while staring at the older boy. Zhangjing’s smiles filled him up, and he got lost in the moment often times. Yanjun frowned as he watched the older boy’s sleeves dip dangerously close to the food, and he quickly grabbed Zhangjing’s wrists. Wordless, he concentrated on rolling up the sleeves, making sure the shirt wouldn’t get dirty. _Wang Ziyi will be upset if his shirt is returned in anything less than pristine condition._

He looked up to see the older boy blushing, and Yanjun smirked. _He is just so cute._ “Here, let me feed you, You Zhangjing.” Yanjun grabbed a piece of meat from the broth with his chopsticks. “Your favorite. Open up.”

 

And he swore that he could feel himself falling in love at that instant. Zhangjing’s hair was sticking up a bit in the front, wet from the steam rising from their hotpot. The blush was still staining his cheeks red, and his head was tilted slightly to one side. He couldn’t tell whether the older boy’s were actually sparkling or if it was his imagination. Hesitantly, he reached out to cup Zhangjing’s cheek with his left hand as he placed the meat into the older boy’s waiting mouth with his chopsticks. Yanjun could feel the heat from Zhangjing’s blush under his hand, and he tenderly ran his thumb over the older boy’s jaw as he began to chew. Zhangjing’s eyes fluttered closed, and the older boy made a hum of contentment at the delicious food, and Yanjun could feel the vibration through his hand pressed up against Zhangjing’s face.

 

It felt like a shock, and Yanjun quickly took his hand away, the moment broken.

 

“I’m glad you like it, You Zhangjing.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Lin Yanjun is always giving me a heart attack._

Zhangjing felt silly and embarrassed when the younger boy started to roll up his sleeves. It felt like something only a couple would do for each other, and he could feel the nervousness coming. And then Yanjun had fed him, and he couldn’t handle it anymore. So he had closed his eyes and started to hum to chase away the anxiety.

 

He knew it was just a practice date, but he couldn’t stop the happiness he felt.

 

Though he had somewhat expected Yanjun to be the perfect date, the younger boy had gone above and beyond anything he could have imagined. The sweetness and caring that Yanjun was showing him made him feel special, more special than anyone else had before. And he swung around to look at Yanjun sitting behind him, who began giving him applause, as he finished off his 15th or maybe 20th karaoke song of the night. They had already spent a couple of hours singing, and Zhangjing couldn’t remember if he was on his 5th or 6th drink. _Lin Yanjun is spoiling me._

He beckoned to the younger boy. “Come on, let’s sing a duet, Lin Yanjun.”

 

Yanjun gave in after a few minutes of pleading, and Zhangjing happily turned back to the screen to see what song was cued up next. It was a love song that both of them knew well, one of the standard ones they were required to sing for company evaluations. Zhangjing felt the younger boy take his hand, and he turned to see Yanjun staring at him intensely. And he melted into a puddle when the other boy began to sing the love song to him.

 

The words were familiar, and he didn’t need to look at the screen for the next verse. He immediately launched into his part as Yanjun finished his lines. And he heard his voice, normally soaring with a round, full tone, shake as the younger boy seemed to stare deep into his soul. Yanjun’s fingers squeezed his hand slightly, and Zhangjing felt his voice even out. Back and forth. They exchanged lines easily, seemingly reading each other’s minds as they didn’t even have to cue the other to switch. All he could see was Yanjun’s dark brown eyes, a never-ending pool. And all he could hear were the words to the love song, and he wished desperately that it wasn’t just a song, that Yanjun meant them. Zhangjing felt the words tremble through him as he sang. They were words of love, and they felt real, felt right.

 

_I think I love you, Lin Yanjun._

 

The song died down, and neither of them noticed their score of 99 flashing on the screen, their highest of the night.

 

Yanjun’s voice was soft, yet thick with longing. “Let’s go home, You Zhangjing.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun grunted as the shorter boy stumbled into his side. Zhangjing was slightly drunk, and he made a mental note to not let the boy drink so much next time. He had been so mesmerized watching the older boy sing, that it wasn’t until the 4th or 5th drink that he remembered Zhangjing could never hold his alcohol well.

 

They were greeted by a loud yell as soon as they neared their room. Justin was waving them over excitedly. “Lin Yanjun, You Zhangjing, come here!! We’re playing Truth or Dare, and both of you need to play. Everyone is playing!!”

 

Zhangjing giggled. “I love Truth or Dare. Let’s go play!”

 

He sighed inwardly, but acquiesced. If they didn’t accept the invitation now, then Justin would never stop pestering them in the future. “Okay, but only a few rounds. You need to get to bed.” He chided the older boy.

 

Zhangjing nodded in agreement, and they made their way to Justin’s room. As they sat down, Yanjun noticed something odd. “Wait, you said everyone was playing. Where’s Cai Xukun and Wang Ziyi?” He glared at the youngest boy.

 

ChengCheng laughed. “They went to have quiet time together. Apparently, we’re too loud for them.” He stuck out his tongue playfully. “But now that you’re here, you have to play too.”

 

* * *

 

 

He grinned evilly.

 

Yanjun was fiercely competitive, especially when it came to games like this. He enjoyed giving other people outrageous truths, ones that would force them to pick dare instead. The whole thing was actually pretty fun, and he didn’t regret accepting Justin’s beckon anymore. They had been going around giving each other dares or asking for truths. If anyone chose to reject the dare or not answer the truth, then they were considered out of the game. So far, there had been a few juicy secrets spilled, such as Zhengting picking Fan BingBing as the actress he most wanted to work with, making ChengCheng pout. And the resulting dare the next round in which ChengCheng actually called his sister, getting his ear chewed off for _involving me in your stupid little game._

 

He wanted to win this.

 

“You Zhangjing, do you have a crush on anyone right now? And who is it?”

 

Yanjun felt betrayed as he looked at NongNong, who was once again pretending to be innocent. _I’m going to kill him._ He stared intently at Zhangjing, who was stammering, not able to get an answer out. “Uh, I mean, I guess…I might sort of like someone, maybe.”

 

Zhengting spoke up. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

 

Zhangjing nodded gratefully at his savior. “Then I’m going to pass.”

 

And suddenly, Yanjun realized that it was just between him and NongNong, and it was his turn to ask. “NongNong, truth or dare?”

 

“Dare.”

 

“Okay, I dare you to give away all your stuffed animals.”

 

Now it was NongNong’s turn to look at him with betrayal. “I can’t do that!”

 

Yanjun felt smug. “Well, if you can’t, then you should pass.”

 

“Okay, fine.” NongNong glared at him. “If you finish this last one, then you win. But if you don’t then I get another turn.”

 

His confidence was sky-high. There was no way he was going to lose this game now. Just one last hurdle to get through, and he would have bragging rights for weeks. Plus, it would be extra enjoyable to rub it in NongNong’s face. “Then I choose dare. Do your worst.”

 

Yanjun balked at the sly smile that came over NongNong’s face.

 

“I dare you to kiss You Zhangjing.”

 

_Oh no._

 

“On the lips.”

 

_Fuck._

 

The whole room seemed to freeze. Yanjun didn’t know who to look at, NongNong who was grinning _evilly_ or Zhangjing who was rapidly turning red. Or Zhengting who was also getting red for some reason. Justin and ChengCheng had shut up for once, and even Xiao Gui, who was normally never fazed by _anything_ , was frozen. NongNong’s voice egged him on. “So, are you going to do it or not?”

 

_Fuck._

Yanjun quickly made up his mind, unwilling to yield. “I’ll do it as long as You Zhangjing is okay with it.”

 

And collectively, the whole room turned towards the older boy, who seemed to shrink under all of their gazes. Time seemed to stop as they all just watched Zhangjing get more and more red. Yanjun felt a sigh of relief when the older boy finally answered. “Okay, sure Lin Yanjun, if that’s what you need to do to win the game, then I’m fine with it.”

 

_Fuck._

Yanjun had expected the answer to be no. _I’m seriously going to kill you, NongNong._ But now that the answer was yes, he felt a wave of nausea. Okay, no big deal. He was just going to kiss his best friend, his crush, in front of everyone. And on the lips. For their first real kiss. Absolutely no big deal.

 

_Fuck._

 

As he moved closer to the older boy, all he could concentrate on were Zhangjing’s bright red, kissable lips. Zhangjing looked at him with bright eyes expectantly. “Close your eyes.” He ordered, and the older boy obeyed. Zhangjing was still red in the cheeks from all the drinking earlier, and Yanjun wondered whether the older boy was still drunk. _Is that why he agreed to this?_ He got closer and cupped the older boy’s cheek just like earlier in the night. A small exhale escaped Zhangjing’s open lips.

 

_Fuck._

Yanjun pressed his lips to Zhangjing’s.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing couldn’t think clearly.

 

_Should I say yes?_

Half of him was screaming to reject the request, but the other half was overjoyed. _Will Lin Yanjun think I’m weird if I let him kiss me? Will he be mad? Will he be mad if I DON’T let him kiss me?_ Nothing obvious was coming to mind. _What should I do?_ As Zhangjing frantically tried to search for the right answer, a calm came over him.

 

“Okay, sure Lin Yanjun, if that’s what you need to do to win the game, then I’m fine with it.”

 

There, settled.

 

And it felt like everything was moving in slow motion. He closed his eyes obediently, waiting for Yanjun to kiss him. And he can feel the younger boy’s lips pressed against his now, and they’re soft, softer than his own chapped lips. Yanjun’s fingers are on his cheek, and he can feel them splayed across his skin, warming him into an unbidden blush. And Zhangjing can’t tell if it’s an accident, but he felt it. The tip of Yanjun’s tongue at the side of his mouth. He gasped a little. And Yanjun is pressing harder against him now, moving his mouth over his. Teasing, inviting. And Zhangjing became acutely aware of the audience that was watching. As if Yanjun had the same thought, the younger boy suddenly pulls away, and Zhangjing’s eyes immediately flew open.

 

_Lin Yanjun._

The younger boy was still looking at him lovingly, his hand still on the older boy’s cheek.

 

“Wow, get a room you two.”

 

Justin’s snarky remark broke whatever tension there was, and Zhangjing watched regretfully as Yanjun returned to his seat at the opposite side of the circle.

 

Later, Zhangjing can’t help replaying the moment over and over in his head as he fell asleep again to the sound of Yanjun’s breathing filling their room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, and feedback are appreciated. :)
> 
> Right now, I'm anticipating the fanfic to run about 9 chapters long. I am hoping to start uploading other 9%/IP works soon, but this Zhangjun fanfic is my first priority. 
> 
> I do have my drabble collection open.
> 
> Would be happy to talk about 9%/IP or about other random things!  
> Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote)  
> CuriousCat: [Requests/Prompts/Random Chat](https://curiouscat.me/loststickienote)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos. I really appreciate it. 
> 
> Sorry that this took so long to come out! I will try and get the next chapter out a bit quicker if I can. This chapter is slightly shorter, but I hope everyone enjoys it anyway.
> 
> I will be releasing some one-shots soon, a combination of requests and originals + a variety of smut/fluff. One of them is definitely going to be a Zhangjun pairing. :)
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta-reader, you know who you are. :)

Zhangjing woke up with a splitting headache.

 

_How much did I drink yesterday?_

The hangover was making his head pound, and he cursed Yanjun for letting him get carried away. Speaking of the younger boy, it seemed that he had already left the room. That made it two days in a row that Yanjun had managed to get up before him. _What a miracle._ He winced as he tried to sit up, the searing pain making it difficult to start his day.

 

There was a knock at the door, and Zhengting’s face peered in the room. “You Zhangjing, they split us all up today. You have vocal lessons with me.” The boy paused for a second, then added reluctantly. “Lin Yanjun went to dance class with NongNong already.”

 

He nodded his understanding. “When do we need to be there? Do I have some time to grab breakfast?”

 

Zhangjing stared as the younger boy reddened slightly. “Oh, I already brought some of the buns you like with me.” Zhengting held up the plastic container with the older boy’s standard breakfast meal.

 

_Zhu Zhengting is truly fairy-like._

The other boy’s blush made him start to blush too. _Oh god, we’re like two fools looking at each other._ He stammered. “I’ll be right there? Let me get dressed first.” Zhengting closed the door. “I’ll be waiting out here then.”

 

Climbing out of his bed was a bigger feat than he imagined. The ladder down from the top bunk had never felt so steep before, and he could feel himself wobbling slightly, not quite steady enough on his feet yet. Zhangjing quickly cleaned his face, brushed his teeth, and threw on some clothes. _I don’t want to keep Zhu Zhengting waiting._

 

Opening the door, he almost lost his balance. Zhengting had been sitting with his back to the door, and Zhangjing apologized profusely for the mistake. “I’m a bit hungover today.” He said sheepishly, and the other boy patted his arm sympathetically. Then the two of them set off to the practice room where their vocal teacher was waiting.

 

A few hours later, the both of them were still practicing. Their teacher had long since left, but Zhengting had convinced him to stay behind to help more. “I still can’t quite get these notes right every time confidently.” Zhangjing patiently played out the notes on the keyboard while Zhengting practiced his lines. After repeating the section over and over, Zhengting finally looked over, satisfied.

 

“Want to take a break for a bit? Then could you help me with the notes after adding the dance too?” Zhangjing felt super tired, but he couldn’t say no to the shy and hopeful tone of the younger boy. “I know you’re probably tired.” Zhengting’s eyes brightened. “Wait one second, I’ll be right back.”

 

He laid out on the cool practice room floor. The hangover headache hadn’t really gone away, and now that he wasn’t singing, Zhangjing could feel the pain creeping back into his head. _Just a couple more hours, then I can go sleep it off._ He heard the door to the room open, and he opened his eyes to see the younger boy standing over him, peering down. “I brought you back some ice cream.”

 

Zhangjing eagerly grabbed at the bowl and let out a sigh of satisfaction when the first bite entered his mouth. “Zhu Zhengting, you’re an angel.” The younger boy had gotten him his favorite flavor, and the ice cream was the perfect thing to calm his headache. He liked cold things to eat whenever he had headaches, finding that the brain freeze contradictorily helped him. He kept scooping bites into his mouth, vaguely thinking that he must seem like he’s inhaling the food. The younger boy took a seat sitting crosslegged across from him, and he could feel Zhengting’s eyes on him as he was eating.

 

_I really hope Zhu Zhengting doesn’t think I look stupid._

 

Zhengting’s light, tinkling laughter snaps him out of his thoughts. “You Zhangjing, you’re so messy.”

 

The younger boy wiped at Zhangjing’s bottom lip with his thumb, and then Zhengting frowned at him. “It’s still there.”

 

Then the Yuehua boy’s voice changed to a teasing tone. “Would you mind if I licked it off?”

 

And he opened his mouth to respond, but Zhengting didn’t wait. Zhangjing was frozen as he felt the younger boy lick his bottom lip, and _it feels nice._ But the younger boy didn’t move backwards immediately, and Zhangjing felt the other boy half kissing him now.

 

Zhangjing didn’t know what he was doing.

 

His lips moved, no longer frozen in place, to kiss the younger boy back hungrily. Zhengting tasted sweet, like the candy he used to eat when he was younger. And he could taste his ice cream on the other boy’s tongue, as he explored the inside of Zhengting’s mouth. The younger boy was kissing him back too, and the whole thing felt slightly sloppy, a bit imperfect. But Zhangjing let himself bask in the feeling, the feeling of being liked, being wanted, without anything extra to think about. And it felt easier than kissing Yanjun, less bittersweet, less complicated.

 

Zhengting pulled his lips away with a small gasp, and Zhangjing stared as the younger boy moved to pull his shirt over his head. He was mesmerized by the sight of Zhengting’s perfect abs. Zhangjing was lying on the ground, and he didn’t pay much attention as Zhengting moved forward to straddle him intending to continue their make-out session. He began to run his fingers over the other boy’s abs, desperate to touch them and feel whether they were real. But Zhengting’s weight on his stomach made Zhangjing frantically rush to push the younger boy off. He felt the nausea rising and the sharp pain in the head all at the same time, and it was too much, too quickly.

 

Zhangjing quickly turned his head to the side, and pure embarrassment washed through his body as he vomited right on the floor.

 

He thought he heard Zhengting yelling something at him, but he couldn’t make out the words.

 

Zhangjing felt himself being lifted up bridal style, and he gratefully wrapped his arms around his savior’s neck. His head was on fire, and his stomach was twisted into knots. His tongue felt thick and unwilling in his mouth, and he tried to form words. “Lin Yanjun…”

 

The boy carrying him stiffened, and all he heard was a soothing voice telling him to go to sleep, that it was all going to be okay.

 

Zhangjing closed his eyes thankfully.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun opened the door, expecting to see Zhangjing waiting for him after practice. _Maybe we can get dinner together again._ The thought made him happy, but the feeling disappeared as soon as he was met with the sight of Zhengting standing in their room, watching Zhangjing who appeared to be asleep. “What are you doing here, Zhu Zhengting?” His voice sounded terse to his ears, and he tried to calm his next sentence into being more level. “What happened?”

 

Zhengting looked at him warily. “We were rehearsing, and he vomited in the practice room.”

 

He felt his tone instantly becoming demanding. “Did he eat something bad? What did you do?”

 

The Yuehua boy tensed up. “I didn’t do anything. I think he was just too hungover from yesterday.” The unspoken accusation hung in the air between them, and Yanjun felt sick. “He seemed fine last night.” He shot back defensively, but Zhengting only shrugged.

 

“But he’s not fine now.” And Yanjun was about to argue but decided to hold back.

 

“Thank you for taking care of him.” Yanjun said grudgingly.

 

And the other boy simply nodded at him. “I’ve been changing the warm compress on his forehead every thirty minutes. He’s been like this for two hours, but he’ll be fine after sleeping, I think.”

 

Yanjun was struck with a pang of guilt as Zhengting turned around one last time before walking out the door. “Lin Yanjun, just remember, you don’t own the right to care about him. And next time, don’t let him drink so much.”

 

The words echoed in his head like a warning. _Am I being careless with You Zhangjing? What did Zhu Zhengting mean? Is he saying that he likes You Zhangjing too?_ Before, he could sort out his thoughts, he heard Zhangjing croak his name. Instantly, Yanjun was by his side. “You Zhangjing, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Did Zhu Zhengting leave?”

 

Yanjun felt a twang of pain in his heart.

 

“He left a few minutes ago.”

 

Zhangjing’s face softened into a smile. “Remind me to thank him later.”

 

And Yanjun couldn’t bear to look at the older boy’s face, wishing to wipe away the image of Zhangjing smiling endearingly for another boy.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing rushed to the practice room. _Crap, I’m late._ He had slept the rest of the day yesterday after waking up briefly to talk with Yanjun. The younger boy had shook him awake in the morning as a reminder to wake up, but he had accidentally fallen back to sleep. _I hope Zhu Zhengting hasn’t been waiting too long._ They were practicing together again, continuing the previous day’s efforts.

 

He pushed opening the door and was met with the sight of Zhengting in a split. _Damn._ The younger boy looked up as he came in. “There’s some food in the corner if you want it.” Zhangjing gave him a grateful look. He hadn’t had time to get breakfast in his rush.

 

After grabbing the food, he sat down near Zhengting. “By the way, thank you for yesterday. Lin Yanjun told me that you were looking after me after I got sick.”

 

Zhengting blushed. “No problem. I wanted to stay with you.” The younger boy gave him a curious look. “Do you remember anything else from before that?”

 

Now it was his turn to be embarrassed. The image of Zhengting’s perfect abs swam up into his mind. _Oh, we totally made out on the floor of this practice room._ He wondered if that was what the younger boy wanted to know. “We kissed, right?” his voice unsure.

 

Zhengting was nervously twisting his fingers, and Zhangjing was struck by how warm the other boy’s gaze was. “Yes.” The younger boy looked down to stare at his lap. “Did you like it?”

 

He felt hot all over.

 

_Is this a confession?_

On the one hand, Zhangjing felt very attracted to the other boy. Before he used to imagine how he wanted his ideal boyfriend to look, and Zhengting was pretty damn close. The younger boy was tall and graceful with pretty eyes and sharp cheekbones. And he liked talking with Zhengting. They had a lot in common, and it felt easy to be in the other boy’s presence. He thought it would be uncomfortable speaking one-on-one with him at first, but Zhengting was surprisingly soft spoken when alone. They had talked a lot about their company mates. In a way, they were both the responsible ones and had to keep everyone on track. And they had talked about their passions, for him singing and Zhengting’s dancing, and how they had been affected growing up.

 

_And the kiss._

Zhangjing thought it was one of the best he ever had. It was the type of kiss you wanted as a first kiss, everything you hoped would happen when kissing a crush. And regretfully, he thought about what would have happened if he hadn’t felt sick and threw up. _Maybe we would have continued and done more._ He blushed, remembering how his fingers had felt against the skin of Zhengting’s stomach, tracing the defined lines of the other boy’s muscles.

 

“Do you not like me because of Lin Yanjun?”

 

He stared at the Yuehua boy in shock but managed to stutter out a sentence. “W-w-what do you mean?”

 

Zhangjing felt pinned under the younger boy’s gaze. “I wanted to ask you on a date before, but the other day you and Lin Yanjun kissed….so I just assumed you wanted him, not me.” Zhengting took a deep breath. “But then you kissed me back…” And the Yuehua boy’s voice trailed off as he looked at Zhangjing questioningly.

 

He couldn’t find the words to respond. _Zhu Zhengting wanted to ask me on a date? Is he asking me whether I like Lin Yanjun? Is he asking me to choose between him and Lin Yanjun?_ He finally squeaked out a response. “I meant to kiss you back, and I really liked it.”

 

Zhengting’s next words came forth slowly. “But you still like Lin Yanjun?”

 

Zhangjing felt a little sick. _Do I like Lin Yanjun? Or Zhu Zhengting? Or neither? But Zhu Zhengting wants to go on a date with me?_ His internal voice screamed at him happily. _Zhu Zhengting would be a great boyfriend. But what would Lin Yanjun think? Would he hate me if I dated Zhu Zhengting?_ He closed his eyes to calm the swirling thoughts in his head.

 

“Lin Yanjun is my best friend.”

 

The words felt heavy on his mouth, and his eyes pleaded with Zhengting to understand. The younger boy looked back at him sympathetically, and Zhengting scooted closer to him. He experienced relief as Zhengting motioned for him to rest his head on the other boy’s shoulder. The younger boy began to run his fingers through Zhangjing’s hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“I’m just afraid.”

 

_I’m afraid of losing Lin Yanjun as a friend._

 

And Zhengting didn’t push any further, letting Zhangjing sit in silence while playing with his hair.

 

* * *

 

 

Eventually, he had told Zhengting that he wanted to think about it some more. The younger boy had accepted his indecision, albeit reluctantly. _I don’t want to make you choose._

 

But there was the prospect of a date between them, an open invitation. _I could go on a date with Zhu Zhengting._ He couldn’t help but feel ecstatic, but the feeling died as soon as he opened the door to his room. A dark and angry Yanjun was waiting for him. “You didn’t take the stomach medicine I left for you this morning.”

 

Zhangjing protested, explaining that he had been late going out in the morning and hadn’t seen the medicine or the note that Yanjun left behind. The younger boy glared at him. “I don’t like it when you’re sick. Take it now.” Yanjun’s tone was demanding. He took the medicine and drank it down in one gulp, relieved when the younger boy’s face relaxed a bit.

 

“It’s not like you to get this angry. Is something wrong?”

 

Yanjun let out a sigh. “Practice just didn’t go well today.”

 

Zhangjing felt a longing well up inside of him, and he moved closer to wrap his arms around the younger boy’s waist, enveloping him in a hug. Yanjun stiffened at first, surprised at the unexpected contact, but then Zhangjing felt the other boys’ arms settled over his shoulders. Yanjun’s cheek was pressed against his hair. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

 

The younger boy murmured, “Yeah. Let’s do that.”

 

Zhangjing pulled away from the hug and quickly turned his back to Yanjun, pulling off his dirty clothes and putting on a clean t-shirt and shorts. He didn’t notice the other boy staring at him getting undressed. Zhangjing then proceeded to climb onto Yanjun’s bed, getting under the covers. “Are you coming?”

 

The younger boy nodded and climbed in next to him. Zhangjing lifted his arm up and motioned for Yanjun to cuddle up next to him. He wrapped him arm around the other boy’s shoulder, letting Yanjun get comfortable. When they had first started training together, Yanjun had a lot of bad days. The frustration would pour out when he didn’t feel like his singing was progressing fast enough or if his dancing was not clean enough. After practice, Zhangjing remembered that Yanjun would try and watch the shows he liked, but the younger boy was still so angry, still upset over his training that it seemed like all the joy was sucked out of him. He had felt so useless back then, not sure what to do to help his friend. One day, he silently scooted next to Yanjun, wrapping his arms around the younger boy in an attempt to soothe him. The other boy had gradually become less tense in his arms, eventually relaxing into a happier state.

 

From that day onward, they had made it a habit to watch movies together if Yanjun felt crappy.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing saw Zhengting look up as he walked into the cafeteria.

 

_Shit._

It felt like the universe was trying to tell him something. Of course they both grabbed late night snacks at the same time too. He made his way over to sit next to the other boy after grabbing his food. “You Zhangjing, what have you been doing?”

 

The words made their way out of his mouth before he could stop them. “I just finished watching a movie with Lin Yanjun.” He regretted it as soon as he saw the smile slide off Zhengting’s face.

 

Zhengting stared at him intensely. “You Zhangjing, have you ever thought about what you really want?”

 

He thought about it while chewing. “I just want a loving relationship with someone I care about. I want a boyfriend that I can call my own and that all my friends will love, someone to hold hands with and go on dates with.”

 

The younger boy raised an eyebrow at him. “And do you think Lin Yanjun can give you that?”

 

The frank words made his stomach turn. _I don’t know._ He wasn’t even sure about the first part. Sure, Yanjun had always teased him, practicing his pick-up lines and flirting with him. But the younger boy held that attitude with everyone. It wasn’t a joke when they had said on Idol Producer that he’d even flirt with a trash bin. Yanjun flirted incessantly with anyone that was willing to listen, even sometimes when people got fed up. And they had been friends for so long, but Yanjun was Yanjun. He hadn’t changed, not in the least bit since they had first met.

 

Zhangjing was unsure.

 

_Does Lin Yanjun even like me more than a best friend?_

He was too afraid to find out.

 

“Because I can.”

 

Zhengting’s utter confidence in his statement made Zhangjing feel butterflies in his stomach.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun woke up in an awkward position, his arm twisted under him uncomfortably. He felt his laptop still on the bed beside him. He squinted into the darkness, trying to make out whether the older boy was curled up on the foot of his bed in their usual positions. _Where did You Zhangjing go?_

 

His throat felt rusty from sleep as he tried to croak out the other boy’s name, but there was no response.

 

_Maybe he’s already asleep._

He was about to close his eyes again and return to the comfort of his dreams when the door swung open a crack, letting a sliver of light into the room. Yanjun tried again to open his mouth and call out Zhangjing’s name, but abruptly stopped when he heard an unfamiliar voice. He strained his ears in an attempt to make out the low muttering.

 

_Is that Zhu Zhengting?_

He tensed involuntarily, clenching his teeth together. He could faintly make out the conversation, and Yanjun forced himself to focus on the words.

 

“Well, just let me know what you decide. I would love to go on a date with you.”

 

Yanjun’s eyes opened wide as he realized what he was hearing. _Zhu Zhengting is asking You Zhangjing on a date._ He couldn’t remember when the two of them had the time to become so close. And his stomach twisted uncomfortably thinking about how Zhangjing had never mentioned anything about Zhengting to him before. Yanjun was used to the other boy telling him everything, and the lack of communication over the whole Zhengting situation disconcerted him. It made him feel off, as if their relationship wasn’t quite as secure as he thought it to be.

 

_Why wouldn’t he say anything about Zhu Zhengting?_

In fact, Zhangjing had never really talked about his love interests in the past. Yanjun had long since learned to keep quiet, hoping that the older boy would come to talk to him when he was ready to do so. The younger boy had known for a long time that Zhangjing was interested in boys, but the topic had never come up and Yanjun didn’t want to pry.

 

Yanjun had found out quite unexpectedly.

 

He always forgot to charge his laptop whenever he was immersed in a new tv show, and one day, his computer died in the middle of his binge watching. Zhangjing had kindly let him borrow his laptop, and Yanjun opened a new web browser to start watching. But something must have gone wrong the last time the older boy shut everything down. All of Zhangjing’s previously opened tabs had popped up.

 

Yanjun felt his face go instantly red at that time.

 

Porn.

 

The two guys on the screen were going at it quite aggressively, and he remembered thinking he was lucky that he had already plugged in his earphones, thankful that the heated moans were not playing out loud at max volume. Zhangjing had been on his own bunk above Yanjun, and the younger boy couldn’t help but feel aroused, not able to wipe the image of Zhangjing jacking off to the two guys on the screen out of his head. Yanjun had quickly closed down everything properly and gave the laptop back to his friend.

 

Then Yanjun had excused himself, hopping into the shower to relieve himself of his pent-up sexual frustration over the older boy.

 

He had waited after that, expecting Zhangjing to eventually confide in him, but it never happened.

 

Yanjun listened closely once again. “Okay Zhu Zhengting, I will let you know what I decide soon.”

 

He couldn’t stop his surprise. _You Zhangjing is actually considering the date with Zhu Zhengting then?_ Jealousy rose up in him, and he felt like a fool. _What is there to be jealous about?_ Zhangjing wasn’t his boyfriend and had every right to go on dates with cute guys. _He’s not yours to selfishly keep to yourself._

 

Yanjun ignored the older boy whispering his name after Zhengting left, letting Zhangjing climb into the top bunk to sleep while thoughts of envy kept him awake, eating at the dark recesses of his mind.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun wasn’t feeling good today.

 

He had woken up with a fever unexpectedly but had insisted that he participate fully in the fanmeet regardless. Everyone had reluctantly agreed, but no one was happy about it, Zhangjing in particular. Yanjun looked past Ziyi for what seemed like the umpteenth time to see Zhangjing staring at him worriedly. He shook his head imperceptibly and mouthed silently to the older boy. _Smile._

 

He could see Zhangjing try to pull his face into a smile for the fans, but the worry still lurked in the older boy’s eyes. Yanjun closed his eyes, feeling a bit lightheaded. He felt overly hot under the lights and was lightly swaying, a bit unsteady on his feet. In an instant, he felt the presence of the older boy next to him.

“Lean on me, Lin Yanjun.”

 

Zhangjing whispered to him quietly, and Yanjun gratefully put an arm around the older boy, using him to prop himself up more comfortably. Zhangjing stayed by his side for the rest of the fanmeet, refusing to leave him alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, and feedback are appreciated. :)
> 
> Would be happy to talk about 9%/IP or about other random things!  
> Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote)  
> CuriousCat: [Requests/Prompts/Random Chat](https://curiouscat.me/loststickienote)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get out this update as quickly as possible since the last chapter was so short. :D I am ecstatic that I'm uploading earlier than usual. 
> 
> So this is the chapter with a lot of smut. In truth, almost this whole chapter is smut, just a warning. It has been a while since I've written such a long one, so please be kind. Not my most polished work, but I didn't want to spend too much time agonizing over it how it isn't perfect and making too many edits. Any comments on the quality of the smut in this chapter would be super helpful. :)
> 
> One of my original reasons for writing this long fic is that there's not enough Zhangjun smut available on AO3. So I wanted to add to it, and I'm going to shamelessly plug my Zhangjun smut one-shot "Practice Rooms," which I will be releasing tomorrow (as a July 4th present!). :)
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys!
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta-reader, you know who you are. :) Love you lots and lots, and thank you for bearing with my craziness.
> 
> Ahhh, I almost forgot, but thank you to everyone who has commented. I just found the time to go back and read them + reply to a few.

Yanjun grunted as they made their way up the stairs to their room. He had insisted that his fever wasn’t that bad, but Zhangjing had just clucked his tongue and proceeded to treat him like a wounded bird. He really didn’t need the older boy to be supporting him while walking, but Zhangjing had insisted that he put his arm over the other boy’s shoulder and lean on him while walking. All his protests died in his throat when he had looked at the older boy’s face. _Great, he has his no nonsense face on._ Yanjun could never argue sensibly with Zhangjing when he got that way. So he had relented and let the older one baby him.

 

“Lin Yanjun, why are you so heavy? What have you been eating?” Zhangjing whined.

 

Still feeling a little hazy from the fever, he could barely gather enough energy to reply. “You’re the one that insisted on half carrying me so stop complaining.”

 

He could still hear the older boy grumbling, but no more complaints came forward.

 

They got to their room fairly easily except for some slight fumbling with the doorknob on Zhangjing’s part, at which he just watched on amusedly. “Okay Lin Yanjun, you need to go straight to sleep. I’ll wake you up later to take some medicine and eat.”

 

Yanjun never thought he would be so happy to see his bed, and he couldn’t wait to sink into a deep slumber. That is until Zhangjing tried to awkwardly push him on to his bed. He felt himself falling forward, his legs getting tangled up, and he winced as he felt his head hit something a bit harder than he expected from his bed. He pushed his weight up with his arms and was about to make a snappy comment at Zhangjing, but the words caught in his throat as he looked down.

 

Even with all his efforts, Zhangjing had managed to fall with him, undoubtedly due to Yanjun being too heavy and awkward of a height for the older boy to help effectively. _Stupid._ Zhangjing was now splayed across his bed, breathing heavier after having the wind knocked out of him when Yanjun fell on top. He wondered when the older boy’s top button had come undone, displaying the boy’s sharp collarbones. He had never gotten many chances to see them, and Yanjun had the sudden urge to press small kisses all along the sharp and prominent ridges. Zhangjing’s lips were slightly parted, still pink and glossy from the chapstick applied hours ago, and Yanjun imagined yet again what it would be like to bite the boy’s bottom lip.

 

A shudder of desire washed over him, his tiredness forgotten.

 

And he felt all his restraint slip away.

 

* * *

 

 

“Lin Yanjun, you can get o-“

 

Zhangjing froze in shock as he felt the younger boy press his lips to his own. He could feel Yanjun’s fingers running lightly over his collarbones, and he felt himself automatically shudder. He hadn’t realized that it was a sensitive area for him until now. Yanjun was slowly teasing him, his lips moving back and forth, and Zhangjing gasped slightly as the younger boy bit down tenderly on his lower lip. _What is going on?_

His head was completely muddled, but he couldn’t help the moan that escaped as he felt the younger boy’s tongue brush carefully over his lips. “Lin Yanjun…” Zhangjing blushed as he heard his own voice come out sounding like half moan. Yanjun seemed to take his moan as encouragement, and Zhangjing could feel any resistance he had melting away as the younger boy deepened the kiss, his fingers pressed firmly against the back of Zhangjing’s neck.

 

It briefly registered that Yanjun undoing the buttons on his shift with his left hand, but Zhangjing was having trouble enough just concentrating on being kissed. Yanjun’s tongue felt hot and heavy in his mouth, alternating between playing with or lightly sucking his own tongue. After a few moments, he mustered up the courage to catch the younger boy’s tongue between his teeth sucking slightly, and Zhangjing was delighted to hear Yanjun let out a deep guttural moan. In response, he felt the younger boy cup his cock through his pants, and he became aware of just how uncomfortably tight his pants already were.

 

He felt a haze of pleasure settle over him as Yanjun moved down to planting kisses on neck and collarbones. A shudder ran through him as the younger boy sucked at a sensitive spot on his neck, making him whine with need. Nips accompanied the kisses, and he reflexively pushed his hips upwards, searching for some friction, any friction that would relieve some of the aching that was building in his lower body.

 

Zhangjing only just realized that his cock was already in Yanjun’s left hand. _When did he find the time to take off my clothes?_

He gave a sharp cry as the younger boy rubbed the tip of his cock, smearing around the precum that had already formed. Yanjun was already stroking him in a rhythm, and he moaned into the younger boy’s mouth as Yanjun stuck his tongue back into Zhangjing’s mouth. He couldn’t tell what was going on anymore, just that _Lin Yanjun, Lin Yanjun, Lin Yanjun,_ was making him feel pleasure in waves that he didn’t know were possible. It felt as if the younger boy was everywhere at once, fingers along the inside of his thighs, running up and down his cock, across his chest, nuzzling into his neck, and tongue in his mouth.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun made quick work of snapping the older boy’s shirt buttons out of their holes. It wasn’t his first time doing this, and after a few times, he had gotten quite efficient at stripping people of their clothes. He deepened the kiss slightly more and smirked inwardly when he heard Zhangjing’s mewls of pleasure in response. _Easy, shirt off, now for pants._

As he moved his left hand down to start undoing the older boy’s pants, he felt Zhangjing catch his tongue and lightly suck. _Fuck._ Up till now, the older boy had mainly stayed more passive, letting himself be kissed rather than engaging Yanjun heavily. Not that Yanjun minded Zhangjing’s soft moans and shudders, but he now realized just how far his depths of arousal could run. _Fuck._ He was completely hard now, and he quickly undid his own pants’ button and zipper to relieve some of the tension before moving his fingers to deftly start undoing Zhangjing’s pants. _Goddamn why do we get such tight pants for on stage performances?_ Normally he didn’t care, but their pants definitely weren’t made with potentially getting a hard-on in mind.

 

He finally got off the older boy’s pants and was pleased to find that Zhangjing was already hard too. _Good to know I’m doing my job right._ He began spreading the precum and stroking the other boy’s cock. All while making an effort to touch Zhangjing everywhere he could think of as a sensitive area. His available hand roamed over Zhangjing’s inner thigh, across his chest, while his lips nuzzled into the boy’s neck, enjoying the gasps and moans coming from Zhangjing’s mouth.

 

After a few minutes, Yanjun decided stop and examine his handiwork.

 

_God, You Zhangjing was beautiful._

The smaller boy was a quivering mess beneath him. His eyes were bright with desire, and his lips were parted, still panting slightly. Yanjun noted proudly that the older boy’s bottom lip looked slightly swollen, a clear sign of their somewhat aggressive make-out session. A flush had built up across the boy’s cheekbones and had spread down to his neck, and Yanjun could make out a few places where he had perhaps bitten down too hard, making a dark mark against the older boy’s porcelain skin. Zhangjing’s shirt was half off, and he had managed to pull the older boy’s pants down to about his knees only. Zhangjing’s chest was rising and falling steadily, and Yanjun was once again caught by how wonderful the boy’s collarbones were. He could feel the rising urge to bite down on them.

 

An almost possessive feeling overcame him.

 

Yanjun wanted to fuck him. He wanted to fuck Zhangjing until his eyes rolled back in his head with pleasure, and he wanted to keep fucking him until the only words Zhangjing knew how to form were his name, until he was moaning Lin Yanjun over and over again. The thought stirred up the arousal in his groin again, and he closed his eyes briefly to bask in his yearning.

 

A whine snapped him back to the moment. “Are you going to…Lin Yanjun…why…you stop…”

 

The jumble of words fell from Zhangjing’s lips, not quite forming the full sentences they were supposed to. The older boy’s eyes were widened, begging Yanjun to do something, anything. Yanjun’s desire heightened, and his eyes darkened dangerously. “What do you want exactly?”

 

“I want…” The words faltered on the older boy’s lips, and Yanjun could see the boy’s mind racing frantically as his eyes darted around the room, unsure of what to say.

 

Yanjun let out a deep throaty chuckle. “Let me help.”

 

“Repeat after me. Lin Yanjun, I want you to make me cum.”

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing couldn’t think straight. He wasn’t sure why Yanjun had stopped all of a sudden, but the only thing he could think about was that his body felt so damn sensitive and _Lin Yanjun isn’t touching me._ He tried to focus on forming words, but nothing was coming out right. Instead, he focused on what Yanjun was saying.

 

_Oh good._

_I’m good at following Lin Yanjun’s instructions._

_I can definitely do that._

“Lin Yanjun, I want you to make me cum.”

 

Zhangjing didn’t register what he had said until he felt Yanjun’s mouth come down and engulf his cock. All of a sudden, the only thing he could feel was the shock of pleasure running through his body as the younger boy bobbed his head up and down. His fingernails dug into Yanjun’s sheets, and he was vaguely aware of the moans coming out of his mouth. But mostly, it was the younger boy’s tongue, sliding up and down the length of his member, rubbing roughly over the tip of his cock, teasing incessantly as Yanjun sucked hard. _How is he so good at this?_

He could feel the pressure building up, and he managed to force out a few words in a breathy moan. “Lin Yanjun…cumming…”

The younger boy’s response was to only go faster, coaxing him. Zhangjing saw lights when he came, and he winced slightly as Yanjun tugged a bit too hard now that he was sensitive in an effort to lap up all of Zhangjing’s remaining juices. _That was so much better than jacking off by myself._ He kept his eyes closed letting the aftermath of his release wash over him.

 

He yelped out loud when he felt the pressure of Yanjun’s fingers at his opening.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing tasted slightly salty with a tiny hint of sweetness.

 

Yanjun rolled around the taste in his mouth, savoring it. The older boy had come hard into his mouth, and he had welcomed the pulsating of Zhangjing’s cock when it happened. The release had been accompanied by a set of high-pitched moans, and his cock had hardened again when he heard his name being called. He was aching for release now, and he hoped Zhangjing was up for round 2.

 

He pressed his fingers lightly against Zhangjing’s opening, and he laughed when the older boy let out a yelp. “Did you think we were finished?”

 

His free hand was rummaging around in the top drawer of his nightstand, finally settling on what he was looking for. _Lube._ When he turned back to look at Zhangjing, the boy was wide-eyed, his eyes flicking back and forth between the lube and Yanjun’s face. “I-I-I…”

 

Only a stammer came out, and Yanjun made a bemused face. “You know I haven’t come yet, right?” He asked pointedly.

 

“I know.” Zhangjing responded meekly with a sheepish look on his face. “I just…that makes me nervous.”

 

Yanjun softened immediately.

 

_Shit, you should know that not everyone has as much experience as you do._

He cupped the smaller boy’s chin and brought his face down lower. “You Zhangjing, do you trust me?”

 

“Of course I do.” Yanjun almost laughed because even at a time like this, Zhangjing managed to look offended at the question.

 

“Then I promise to make this feel good for you.”

 

Yanjun squirted a generous amount into his palm, making sure that Zhangjing could see him spread it all over his fingers. “Just relax. I promise to go slow, and you can stop me at any point, okay?” Zhangjing nodded at him, and he felt his heart skip a beat. The older boy trusted him implicitly and being reminded of that feeling of complete trust made his chest tighten. He squeezed out a bit more and spread it over Zhangjing’s opening. The older boy gasped a little at the cold feeling, and Yanjun gave him another reassuring look.

 

“Here, why don’t you hold my hand and squeeze?” Yanjun reached out his left hand and interlocked his fingers with Zhangjing’s. “Just hold my hand and only look at my eyes okay?”

 

The older boy gave him another nod, and Yanjun noticed for the first time how perfect Zhangjing’s eyelashes were. They were long and delicate, framing his big wide eyes perfectly. He began to hum a song, which Zhangjing following along soon after, and Yanjun felt relief as he saw some of the tension melt away from the older boy’s body. He wasn’t sure whether the other boy had noticed that he had already inserted his index finger up to the second knuckle. Yanjun tried pushing in all the way.

 

A gasp flew out of Zhangjing’s mouth, and Yanjun’s face immediately settled into a concerned frown. “Are you okay, are you hurt?” He asked in a worried tone.

 

Zhangjing shook his head, biting his lower lip. “No…just feels different.”

 

Yanjun took that as permission to move, and he started slowly sliding his index finger in and out. In and out. In and out. After a few minutes, he felt Zhangjing’s breathing start to change. The older boy’s eyes had taken on a look of desire again, and moans were escaping from his mouth. In and out. In and out. Yanjun wasn’t used to practicing restraint and patience. In and out. In and out.

 

“Lin Yanjun, please…” The moan made the arousal shoot through his body once again. On the next pump, he inserted his middle finger along with his index. Zhangjing was starting to squirm with pleasure now, and Yanjun could feel his restraint starting to slip away. _Thank god he stopped holding my hand._ Yanjun moved his left hand down to his cock, starting to stroke himself while pumping two fingers inside the older boy. In and out. In and out. He quickened the pace and made a satisfied face to himself as he heard Zhangjing’s moans becoming louder and louder.

 

“Moan my name, and I’ll reward you.” He teased lightly. He assumed the other boy heard him because now all he could hear was Zhangjing repeating his name over and over between his whimpers of pleasure, “Lin Yanjun, please, please, Lin Yanjun…”

 

Yanjun hissed, slowing down the pace of the left hand stroking his own cock. He was getting close, and Zhangjing wasn’t quite ready yet. He added a third finger, and the smaller boy’s moans intensified further. In and out. In and out. “Oh my god, Lin Yanjun, I might cum.” And indeed, Yanjun saw that Zhangjing was hard again.

 

“Okay, you need to turn around now.”

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing could feel his muscles contracting as Yanjun added the third finger. At first it had felt weird and uncomfortable, but the longer the younger boy had pumped his fingers into him, the more he was starting to enjoy it. Through his half-lidded eyes, he could make out Yanjun stroking himself while fingering him, and the image caused arousal to run through him, making him contract particularly hard against the younger boy’s fingers. _Lin Yanjun is really fucking me._

He almost missed Yanjun telling him to turn around.

 

His body obediently moved to follow Yanjun’s instructions though he felt his mind had not quite caught up yet. He was facing the foot of Yanjun’s bed, and his fingers automatically moved to grip the edge of the bed. Zhangjing could hear Yanjun panting with desire behind him, and he realized just how vulnerable of a position he was in.

 

As if Yanjun could hear his thoughts, he responded. “You Zhangjing, you have such a pretty little ass.”

 

And Zhangjing felt the arousal sweep over him at the compliment, the same time as Yanjun entering him. A sharp cry escaped his mouth, and he felt Yanjun immediately stop moving. “I-I-I’m okay. Just surprised.” And it _was_ mainly surprise. The younger boy felt big inside of him, but not overwhelmingly so.

 

Zhangjing wasn’t prepared though.

 

Yanjun started moving slowly, and Zhangjing felt his arousal exploding in his groin. His muscles were contracting hard against the younger boy’s dick, matching the rhythm of Yanjun’s hard, deep thrusts. Yanjun’s left hand was also stroking his cock, and Zhangjing no longer knew what to concentrate on, his building orgasm or the feeling of Yanjun hitting his core with each stroke, sending a wave of stimulation through his body. Every muscle in his body felt as if it was on fire, racked with a need for something he did not have an answer to.

 

“What do you want?” Yanjun’s voice floated through the air, but Zhangjing had no response.

 

_What did he want?_

“Yanjun, Yanjun, Yanjun, Yanjun.” Zhangjing began moaning the younger boy’s name like a mantra.

 

Because it wasn’t a what, it was a who.

 

_Yanjun._

 

And he saw the tips of his knuckles turning white, he’s gripping the bed so hard. And he needed Yanjun to keep going, to keep going until his need is fulfilled. Because at this point, Zhangjing suspected that he didn’t know what his own body needed. Only Yanjun knew what he needed. And the yearning built up in his small frame was overwhelming. His lower body was starting to shake from the exhaustion of being in the same position. _I’m close, so close._

 

_Yanjun._

 

Zhangjing wasn’t making sense anymore. The sounds coming out of him felt foreign to his ears, with the only recognizable thing being Yanjun’s name. He felt Yanjun going faster and faster, and he didn’t know whether he could take any more pleasure running through his body. His release was coming though. He felt it coming. He needed it to be coming. _Am I going crazy?_

 

_Yanjun._

 

One last tug from Yanjun’s left hand finished him.

 

And a split second later Zhangjing felt more.

 

Yanjun was filling him up, and Zhangjing cried out at the warm feeling inside him. A feeling only Yanjun could give him, and he felt his legs finally collapse, his whole body being supported only by the younger boy’s arm. And Yanjun is still in him, still filling him up with all these indescribable feelings. And he’s only slightly aware that he’s still repeating Yanjun’s name over and over. Then he feels the younger boy pull out accompanied by a hollowness.

 

Zhangjing never knew he needed Yanjun so desperately.

 

* * *

 

 

He tensed when he heard his name. It was almost weird hearing just Yanjun without the proper Lin in front that the older boy always used when they were promoting. It felt more intimate. _Mine._ He began pumping deeper into the smaller boy, grunting with pleasure as he felt Zhangjing tighten around him with each thrust. The older boy was tighter than anyone he’d been with before, but Zhangjing was taking his cock surprisingly well. Yanjun gripped his fingers tightly around Zhangjing’s hips, determined to go faster so he’d have the chance to hear the beautiful sound of the older boy begging for release.

 

And he felt Zhangjing coming as the older boy tightened around his cock. _Fuck._ He was coming too. One last thrust, and Yanjun moaned as he came in Zhangjing. He heard the older boy’s reaction from being filled up almost immediately, pants of pleasure mixed with his name. Yanjun skillfully prevented the older boy from falling down completely, anticipating that his first time would have exhausted him.

 

After he pulled out, Zhangjing rolled around to look at him, a satisfied smile on his face. Yanjun wordlessly accepted the older boy into an embrace, and he sighed with contentment as Zhangjing buried his head into the crook of Yanjun’s neck.

 

_Zhangjing._

* * *

 

He felt comfortable with the older boy curled up next to him. For the last half hour, he had been tracing a circle on Zhangjing’s shoulder with his index finger, and he wasn’t sure if Zhangjing had fallen asleep. Yanjun was proud of him for taking his first experience in stride. His own first experience involving lube had been sort of a mess, but Zhangjing had just followed his lead without question.

 

Yanjun ran his fingers through the older boy’s hair. He loved how fluffy and soft it was, and often times he wanted give Zhangjing a backhug just to bury his face in Zhangjing’s hair. The older boy was the perfect height for backhugs, the perfect size to fit into Yanjun’s body for cuddling. He hoped that he had made it enjoyable for Zhangjing, but there were still a few doubts bouncing around in his head.

 

_Are we in a relationship now?_

It was the hardest question to answer. Yanjun wasn’t opposed to casual sex. In fact, Zhangjing had seen him bring people back to their dorms before, unsuccessfully sneaking around in the dark. The older boy had a bad habit of not being able to sleep with even the slightest light in the room, and Yanjun regretted the many nights where he had awoken Zhangjing unintentionally after bringing someone back. He had never complained though and would just quietly go back to bed without casting judgment.

 

_Do I even want a relationship?_

He weighed the pros and cons in his head. A relationship with Zhangjing. Yanjun feels the corners of his mouth tug up even at the thought. It would be wonderful to date the older boy. They could go on dates to new restaurants, go to concerts, meet each other’s families…Zhangjing was the type of person you want to end up with forever.

 

_But what happens if we break up?_

The worst case scenario. His life would be over. They had Nine Percent activities together and then Banana activities after Nine Percent’s contract ended. It would hurt every day to see Zhangjing as an ex. No more sneaking out for food. No more extra practice hours. No more watching movies in bed. Imagining a world without Zhangjing as his best friend was making Yanjun feel nauseated.

 

Yanjun shook the older boy’s shoulder instead, pushing his thoughts away for the moment. “Let’s get cleaned off.”

 

He felt Zhangjing shift slowly, and he felt himself melt as the older boy stared up at him sleepily, blinking his large brown doe-like eyes. “Did I fall asleep?”

 

“Yes you did, and it’s time to get clean.”

 

Yanjun laughed heartily at the yelp from Zhangjing when he swept the older boy up in his arms bridal-style. He carried Zhangjing into the bathroom, setting him down lightly in the shower. “Stand in the corner for a second.” The older boy moved obediently, and Yanjun put on the water, the stream an icy blast. And he turned his back to it, shielding the older boy who was still blinking as if half asleep. He waited until it was heated up, and then Yanjun brought the older boy closer to his body underneath the stream of water.

 

Zhangjing hissed in surprise at the sudden wetness. “Yanjun….”

 

His cock twitched at the older boy’s whine.

 

_Yes, say my name like that._

 

“We need to get you clean.” He said firmly, swiftly turning the older boy around. “Put your hands on the wall and lean forward a bit.”

 

Yanjun felt the arousal gathering again in his nether regions as he looked at Zhangjing slightly bent over. He rubbed some soap onto his hand, making sure his fingers were covered with suds. “Try to relax.” Yanjun slid two fingers over the other boy, and Zhangjing lightly tensed as the younger boy stroked his puckered opening. Yanjun mentally groaned to himself. Going into the older boy, he could still feel the sticky mess he had made earlier inside Zhangjing.

 

_Fuck._

His cock hardened.

 

_You Zhangjing, I just want to fuck you again._

And then Yanjun heard the older boy moan slightly, and he barely prevented himself from unraveling right then and there. He pressed up closer to Zhangjing, making sure the older boy can fully feel his erection up against his leg. “You Zhangjing, I’m going to clean you out and make you feel good at the same time. You should touch yourself because I’m going to be stroking my own cock while fingering you in the ass.”

 

He felt satisfied when he heard the older boy begin to say something that developed into unintelligible gibberish as he started pumping his fingers fast and deep into his ass. _Fuck this is such a turn on._ Yanjun couldn’t remember the last time he felt this aroused during sex. There was just something about the older boy that set off his dominance kink. Normally, he switched it up with different partners, sometimes preferring to top and other times to bottom. But when he saw the older boy, Yanjun felt the assertiveness swell up in him. He wanted to take Zhangjing over and over and over again.

 

Maybe it was because the older boy looked at him so shyly and earnestly, gazing at him as if Yanjun was the only one who could teach him about all the pleasure his body could hold.

 

The way Zhangjing looked at him made Yanjun want to fuck the older boy relentlessly.

 

Domineering in every which way.

 

Again and again and again.

 

With a shudder, Yanjun came in his hand.

 

He checked in with the older boy. “Zhangjing, are you close?”

 

Zhangjing moaned in response, panting. “Almost, almost…”

 

The older boy was stroking himself as Yanjun slid his fingers in and out of his ass. “S-s-so close.”

 

Yanjun replied in a teasing tone. “I like it when you moan my name.” His voice dropped down into a deep and darker tone. “If you keep moaning my name like earlier tonight, I’ll let you cum.”

 

The older boy complied. “Yanjun…Yanjun…Yanjun…”

 

He felt himself starting to get hard again, and he increased the pace of his fingers.

 

_I could seriously fuck Zhangjing forever._

“Now beg a little.”

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing felt the feeling building up in him again.

 

The younger boy had told him to beg for it, and he started pleading for release. Zhangjing thought it was going to be embarrassing, hearing his begs for the younger boy to fuck him, to fuck him more. But instead, it was turning him on, making him more aroused than he thought possible. Yanjun had played the role of the dominant well throughout the night. And Zhangjing couldn’t help but feel submissive every time the younger boy looked at him with dark eyes full of thirst and hunger, seemingly unquenched and unsatiated. It didn’t help that Yanjun had continuously arranged him in positions of vulnerability, and every inch of his body felt on edge, anticipating what the younger boy would do next.

 

And all of a sudden, Zhangjing felt a change.

 

_Oh god, oh god, oh god._

 

Yanjun’s tongue.

 

The younger boy’s fingers were no longer there, just the feeling of Yanjun’s skilled tongue pressing against his opening, darting slightly in and out. And the loud scream of pleasure escaped as he came hard and fast, unable to hold back. But Yanjun was still probing his ass, and Zhangjing began to shake, riding out the wave of pleasure that was prolonged. The younger boy was supporting him at his waist, and Zhangjing was thankful that his legs weren’t giving out from underneath him.

 

He finally felt Yanjun remove his tongue, and he let the last remaining ebbs of pleasure run through him.

 

“How do you feel?” Yanjun’s voice was right up against his ear, and Zhangjing shivered. He turned around to look at the younger boy who immediately planted a light kiss on his forehead. “You’re all clean now.”

 

* * *

 

 

They were cuddling in Yanjun’s bed, and Zhangjing was content. He marveled at the way the younger boy’s body seemed to fit perfectly against his, spooning him. Zhangjing felt the sleepiness tugging at him, threatening to close his eyes, but his eyes snapped open when he heard Yanjun’s next words. “You Zhangjing, I think we should keep on having casual sex. Today felt nice.” The younger boy nuzzled lightly at the back of his neck.

 

And the words were like a slap to the face.

 

_Casual sex?_

_Was that what this was?_

_Just casual sex?_

And Zhangjing felt his face burning, hot with embarrassment for thinking, no, for _hoping_ that today was anything more to Yanjun. And today felt _nice_? Zhangjing had felt a mix of things, loved, overjoyed, wanted, special, amazing, indescribable, needed, incredible, phenomenal. Nice was not the first word that had come to mind. Zhangjing swallowed down his disappointment.

 

Nice meant okay.

 

Nice meant that Yanjun had a good time.

 

Nice meant Zhangjing was only as good as every other boy or girl that Yanjun brought home in the middle of the night and who was gone before the morning came.

 

Zhangjing waited until he could hear the younger boy’s deep breathing, positive that Yanjun was sleeping, before he let any tears fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, you all liked this. :D
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Would be happy to talk about 9%/IP or about other random things!  
> Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote)  
> CuriousCat: [Requests/Prompts/Random Chat](https://curiouscat.me/loststickienote)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long note again, apologies as always.
> 
> This chapter took a while to write because I hate making my characters sad, lol. 
> 
> Smut warning. Sorry it's so messy. 
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys reading this as much as I love writing it. Thank you to everyone who's commented and everything. I really do appreciate it, and all the positivity motivates me to write more.
> 
> **Note:** I decided to open up a Twitter/CuriousCat mostly so I can give updates on where fics are at on AO3 + general writing snippets/thoughts on Twitter + looking at requests/prompts on CC. Would be interested in following other authors/readers on here on Twitter or if anyone just wants to link me to 9% content, that would be great too. :D Also, I know that not many people on here use the 'profile' section on AO3 much, but I am also trying to track my queue of upcoming releases there.
> 
> Links to Twitter/CC at bottom notes.
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta-reader, you know who you are. :)

Yanjun woke up in a haze.

 

He felt Zhangjing smoothing the hair back from his forehead, and his friend sharpened into focus. The older boy looked concerned, peering down at him with wide eyes. Yanjun opened his mouth to speak but the words he wanted to say didn’t come out, just an ugly sounding squeak. He gestured, and Zhangjing quickly brought handed him a cup of water as he moved to sit up in bed. He took a sip and listened. “Lin Yanjun, your fever has gotten worse. You were shifting around so much during the night.”

 

Zhangjing bit his lower lip. “I think you should stay in bed for today.”

 

Yanjun felt like protesting and tried. “I don’t need to. I can still practice.”

 

_God, my voice sounds awful._

The older boy looked at him sternly. “No, you said you were fine yesterday, but all of that…must have…” Zhangjing tried to avert his gaze, attempting to look anywhere but directly at Yanjun. He could see the flush crawling up the older boy’s neck. _Cute._ Zhangjing gave him a comically angry look. “Either way, you’re staying in bed all day and letting me take care of you!”

 

He nodded his assent. It didn’t sound so bad to have the whole day for rest while being doted on by Zhangjing. In fact, it sounded rather nice. “Drink the rest of the water. I’m going to go get some food for us.” The older boy pressed his lips to Yanjun’s forehead, making the younger boy flinch slightly. Zhangjing frowned at him. “Your forehead is really, really hot still.”

 

The older boy handed him a cool towel. “Keep this on your forehead until I come back.”

 

Yanjun let his gaze linger on Zhangjing as the older boy walked out of the room.

 

It wasn’t until the other boy left that the memories of last night came flooding in. _We had sex. Really, really good sex._ Yanjun groaned to himself. He had made a mess of things now. The light kisses, the pretend date…those things he could play off as friendly flirting banter if given the opportunity. But mind-blowingly sensual sex? _That was clearly not something you do as friends._ He blamed it on the fever and his own resulting lack of inhibition.

 

But now Yanjun needed to fix the situation.

 

He felt like he was teetering on the edge of a cliff, staring down into the deep, dark abyss. Yanjun didn’t think he could muster up the courage to try for a relationship with Zhangjing. There was just too much at stake, too much to lose if it all went horribly wrong. And he would never be able to forgive himself for losing his best friend over what was at best a cautious hope, at worst a completely blind shot in the dark.

 

But the thought of rejecting Zhangjing outright hurt him to his core. He imagined the crestfallen look on the older boy’s face that was sure to appear. Zhangjing was never good at hiding his emotions, and Yanjun had become attuned to whatever the older boy was feeling after spending so much time together. He was sure Zhangjing would be devastated. The older boy had never felt wholly confident in himself, and Yanjun didn’t need to add one more worry to Zhangjing’s shoulders.

 

_What other options are left?_

 

The only thing that stuck out to him was something similar to a friends with benefits situation. In the past, Yanjun had tried to carry on a purely sexual relationship with a few people he had hit it off with. All of them had ended up badly. Inevitably, the other person fell for him, and he had to push down the guilt when eventually cutting off relations with them for good.

 

But with Zhangjing, it would be different.

 

_I’m the one that likes him too much._

 

The thought of simultaneously being sexually involved with the older boy and needing to hide any emotional connection made the panic rise up in Yanjun’s stomach. But what other choice was there? He wouldn’t be able to stand the negative consequences that came with a relationship, yet he hated the thought of rejecting Zhangjing too. So all that was left was the gray area, undefined and unsure.

 

_At least with this, I can love him in my own way._      

 

The urge to protect the older boy was so strong that Yanjun felt a pulsing start in his head.

 

_At least, I can make sure he doesn’t get hurt._

Zhangjing’s whispered conversation with Zhengting flashed across his mind.

 

_Can I fool him into thinking I don’t love him though?_

Yanjun had to at least try.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing hurried down the steps toward the cafeteria. He had woken up to find Yanjun drenched in sweat, and he couldn’t stop the worry that crept into his head. The younger boy had clearly pushed himself too far yesterday, worsening his sickness.

 

_We really shouldn’t have had sex._

He hoped Yanjun hadn’t noticed him crying last night. Zhangjing had laid awake in the bed sniffling quietly, still snuggled up against the younger boy who had his arms wrapped around him. It had taken him a while to fall asleep, and he had spent the night drifting in and out of sleep uneasily. He felt like he should have noticed Yanjun worsening earlier. Normally, the younger boy never shifted around that much while sleeping. But Zhangjing had been occupied with his own thoughts.

 

_Now what?_

Zhangjing felt weak.

 

Yanjun was his ultimate weakness.

 

After his cry last night, the acceptance of his situation sank in. Maybe Yanjun just wanted to satisfy his sexual desires. In all honesty, it was tiring for him when the younger boy brought back his string of conquests to their room. And if Yanjun wanted to have sex with him, who was he to say no? _No._ He felt resigned. Zhangjing didn’t think he had the strength to say no to the younger boy even if he wanted to. The younger boy held a magnetic pull over him, and he could never refuse Yanjun. Protests died in his throat before escaping, and he always found himself agreeing to whatever Yanjun wanted. He didn’t want only sex from Yanjun, but this was better than nothing. At least this way, he was able to be close to the younger boy, to touch him freely, to be in Yanjun’s bed instead of being exiled to the top bunk and having to block out the sounds of the younger boy’s lovemaking to other people.

 

Zhangjing felt weak.

 

If Yanjun wanted to have sex again, he wouldn’t be able to refuse. Zhangjing knew he would accept every time, give in to the younger boy over and over, no matter how much it hurt him afterwards. _It hurts so much._ Zhangjing felt the stabbing pain in his chest as he remembered Yanjun describing their night as casual sex. Even if he could never be anything more than that, Zhangjing felt it didn’t matter.

 

_As long as I can be close to him just a little bit._

He felt crazy.

 

No, he _was_ crazy.

 

_Why else would I be torturing myself like this?_

Zhangjing blinked rapidly to hold back the tears before entering the cafeteria. _Weird._ Everyone else was already gathered eating breakfast. And everyone looked up and stared at him as he walked in. “Good morning!” He tried to inject some semblance of cheerfulness into his voice.

 

_Why does everyone look so surprised to see me?_

Zhangjing went over to quickly grab some food for him and Yanjun. Then he took a seat, grabbing the spot next to Ziyi at the end of the table. ChengCheng and Justin took one look at him and began to giggle. “Did you have fun last night?” ChengCheng’s tone was playful and teasing, and Zhangjing finally understood.

 

_They all know._

He felt hot and embarrassed. He knew they weren’t exactly quiet last night, but he didn’t realize that everyone would know within hours. Zhangjing couldn’t meet Zhengting’s gaze across the table. The Yuehua boy was staring at him with a strange expression on his face. _Oh no, Zhu Zhengting must think I’m a terrible person. We just talked about how I didn’t want to start anything with Lin Yanjun, and now…now…_ He felt the blood rushing to his head.

 

Zhangjing felt weak.

To make matters worse, he felt Ziyi whisper in his ear, his voice soft. “You Zhangjing, you have two hickeys on your neck. They’re pretty noticeable. Do you want to go upstairs and put on makeup?”

 

Mortified, he grabbed his plate of food, mumbled some apologies, and rushed out of the room. He hadn’t noticed the marks on his neck when he woke up, and when he finally got to his bathroom mirror, he wanted to scream. _They’re huge._ The hickeys glared angrily at him. _Might as well just have a huge flashing sign above my head saying ‘Lin Yanjun and You Zhangjing had sex last night’._

 

All his own worries evaporated when he caught a look at Yanjun though. The younger boy had fallen back into a fitful sleep, and the sweat had gathered on his forehead, soaking slightly into his pillow. Yanjun was flushed with fever, and Zhangjing heard the younger boy grinding his teeth together. _Oh no._ The older boy ran another hand towel under cold water and pressed it to Yanjun’s forehead.

 

He bit back a gasp as the younger boy’s eyes flew open suddenly. Zhangjing almost fell over on top of the other boy as Yanjun grabbed his hand and pulled. He interlocked his fingers with the younger boy’s and swept Yanjun’s hair off his forehead. The other boy was wide-eyed, an unreadable expression on his face. “Stay with me, Zhangjing, please.”

 

Zhangjing felt weak when it came to Yanjun.

 

_I will, always._

He didn’t know if the younger boy heard the whispered words, his deepest secret.

* * *

 

It wasn’t until nighttime that Yanjun woke again.

 

The older boy was sitting with his back to Yanjun at the desk. “What time is it?” He winced as he heard his voice coming out sounding similarly to a dying animal.

 

Zhangjing’s head whipped around to face him. “You’re awake! It’s around 8pm now.”

 

Yanjun looked up at the older boy’s anxious face. “I feel better. Thank you for taking care of me, You Zhangjing.” Zhangjing’s face broke out into a small smile. “Of course I would take care of you, Lin Yanjun.” He struggled a bit in sitting up. “Do you mind if we talk for a second?”

 

The older boy nodded at him. “Sure, what did you want to talk about?”

 

_About how much I love you._

“Are you okay with being friends with benefits?”

 

Zhangjing accepted faster than Yanjun thought he would. “I _really, really_ enjoyed last night.” He tried to emphasize his words, hoping that the older boy understood his feelings. The older boy smiled at him caringly. “I know, I did too. Now go back to sleep. You need to get better.”

 

Yanjun closed his eyes gratefully, feeling relieved about accomplishing his mission so easily.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing watched quietly as the younger boy closed his eyes and began to breathe heavily again, falling into a sound sleep. He moved back to the desk, the small desk lamp casting a light on to the letter he had started writing for Yanjun.

 

_A love letter, a confession._

But his vision blurred and the tears came silently, dripping on to his paper and smearing the words he had already spilled out. He watched in dismay as his words blotted, dissolving into nothingness, back into the void from which they came.

 

And he couldn’t continue anymore.

 

Zhangjing began ripping the piece of paper, and the sound of destruction was almost cathartic. _Rip. Rip. Rip._ The pieces were getting smaller and smaller now, and he kept ripping. He was mesmerized by just how small the pieces were, scattered all over the desk. _Rip. Rip. Rip._ He didn’t remember why he thought it was a good idea to write his best friend a love letter. _Rip. Rip. Rip._ Some pieces were falling on to the ground now, almost like snow dotting the floor.

 

And he kept going, ripping until there was nothing left.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing felt like a coward.

 

He ducked behind a corner when he caught sight of Zhengting walking down the hallway.

 

It had been a couple of weeks, and the changes were barely noticeable. In front of the others, he and Yanjun acted the same as always. It was only when the door to their room was closed for the night that Zhangjing could tell there was a shift in their relationship. The younger boy would envelop him in bed and plant kisses all over his face and body. They hadn’t had an opportunity to have sex again yet, but Zhangjing was sure it was coming. Yanjun was showing a lot of restraint for his benefit, explaining that he didn’t mind if they took things slow. And Zhangjing was grateful. He still felt a bit overwhelmed, and the younger boy had been very accommodating.

 

He had been avoiding Zhengting ever since, still not sure what to say to the other boy. Zhangjing had gone from being close to accepting a date with Zhengting to being in a friends-with-benefits relationship with Yanjun. And he didn’t know how to explain that to Zhengting in a way that made sense and wouldn’t hurt the other boy’s feelings.

 

Once Yanjun had recovered from his fever, they had laid out a few ground rules. The first and biggest rule was honesty. They had mutually agreed to tell each other everything, whether things were comfortable or not, whether they wanted out or not. Zhangjing had felt a shudder of desire when Yanjun had stared at him, declaring, “Only I get to touch you.” He had found out that the younger boy wasn’t thrilled with sharing, and they agreed that they’d only have sexual relations with each other.

 

The younger boy had paused thoughtfully. “If there’s someone we might want to date though, then we should end it. Otherwise, it might get weird.”

 

Zhangjing had agreed, and they sealed it with a kiss.

 

He had never felt happier.

 

And he pushed any negative thoughts out of his head the instant they came.

 

Zhangjing quickly tied his laces. They were going on stage soon for another fanmeet, and the thought of seeing their fans again brought a smile to his face. If the other members of Nine Percent had noticed the change between him and Yanjun, they were choosing not to say anything. So everything continued as always, except for the newfound awkwardness between him and Zhengting.

 

“You Zhangjing, there you are.” He glanced up at the sound of Xukun’s voice. “It’s time to start now.”

 

He nodded and followed the younger boy up to the stage area, basking happily in the claps and cheers that greeted them.

 

Zhangjing stared at the piece of paper on the ground, incredulous.

 

_All three of us are supposed to fit on that?_

They were playing games again, and the host had tasked NongNong, Yanjun, and him with standing on one flimsy piece of paper together. NongNong was looking at him questioningly. “What do you guys think is the best way to do this?”

 

“Honestly, I have no clue.”

 

Zhangjing agreed with Yanjun. “This seems rather difficult to do.”

 

A glint of mischievousness appeared in NongNong’s eye. “I have an idea…how about you piggyback Lin Yanjun?” Zhangjing immediately bent down slightly to let Yanjun climb on his back. “Wait, why would we even do that? We’re clearly not going to all fit if You Zhangjing carries me on his back.”

 

NongNong shrugged. “Well, we can always try. Not like you have a better idea.”

 

He gestured impatiently. “Lin Yanjun, just get on.”

 

The younger boy kept protesting.

 

“Lin Yanjun, come here.” He used the firmest tone he could gather up.

 

Yanjun fell silent and obeyed. Zhangjing caught the back of the younger boy’s legs and shifted his weight to better carry Yanjun. He heard the taller boy giggle slightly in delight. _We probably look ridiculous right now._ The thought brought a smile to his face. Yanjun’s legs were sticking out in front comically and a burst of happiness ran through him as he felt the younger boy’s breath on his ear. “Okay NongNong, try and get on this ridiculously small piece of paper too.”

 

Of course they failed.

 

In the end, they managed to succeed by folding themselves into an awkward trio hug to which NongNong grumbled. “Why do I always have to be the third wheel?”

 

Zhangjing blushed at the implication that he and Yanjun were a couple.

 

How he wished it were true.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing almost bit his tongue while chewing. He kept nodding at what NongNong was saying, but his mind was a million miles away. In his distraction, he almost missed Yanjun responding to the conversation too. _How is Lin Yanjun so calm?_ He shifted around in his seat but to no avail. Yanjun’s hand was dangerously close to his crotch, the other boy’s palm resting on the inside of his right thigh. He could feel the arousal stir inside him, and he tried to chase it away by responding enthusiastically to their dinnertime conversation.

 

No such luck.

 

Yanjun’s fingers were now stroking small circles on the inside of thigh, teasingly close. He turned quickly when he heard his name. “S-s-sorry, what did you say?”

 

NongNong repeated his question. “I wanted to ask if you have anything for your schedule tomorrow.”

 

“I’m not quite sure.” Zhangjing squirmed. To his horror, he felt himself starting to get hard. _Lin Yanjun needs to stop touching me._

The younger boy interjected smoothly. “Not tomorrow, but we have a photoshoot with Harper’s Bazaar the day after with Lu Dinghao.”

 

Zhangjing vaguely heard the conversation move on, but he had no clue what they were talking about anymore. _This is so inappropriate._ The younger boy’s fingers had discovered his painfully apparent erection at this point, and Yanjun began to run his fingers over the raised part of his pants. Zhangjing threw all his concentration into making sure he didn’t make any noises. _Damn, this feels good._ He looked at Yanjun, who was still managing to talk and eat at the same time. The younger boy must have felt his stare because Yanjun turned and smirked at him. Zhangjing made a small gasp as the younger boy applied some more pressure with his left hand.

 

“Are you okay?” Ziyi looked at him, concerned.

 

He waved the other boy off. “Nothing, just a little sore from practice yesterday.” He said meekly.

 

_Oh god._

He was so focused on preventing the arousal from showing on his face that he didn’t realize that Yanjun was motioning at him. The younger boy’s eyes were seductive, darkened. Yanjun’s words were soft and low, and it made the arousal gather in his lower body. “Open your mouth, You Zhangjing.”

 

_Oh god._

All he could think about was that Yanjun’s fingers were still stroking his cock through his pants as the younger boy brought bread up to his waiting mouth. Yanjun kept looking at him with an amused smile on his face, eyes glinting. Zhangjing almost gagged, not expecting the piece of bread to be as big as it was. _Lin Yanjun is definitely enjoying this._ He closed his to start chewing and felt Yanjun’s fingers graze his bottom lip. Yanjun was still staring at him, and Zhangjing saw the younger boy’s eyes dilate with arousal. He could see Yanjun’s tongue slightly through the other boy’s parted lips. The urge to kiss the younger boy rose up in him.

 

Yanjun smirked at him. “You Zhangjing and I are done with dinner. We’re going to leave now.”

 

Zhangjing hurried to keep up with the younger boy’s longer strides up to their room.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun was imagining sliding his cock into the older boy’s mouth instead of bread.

 

He quickly excused them from the dinner table.

 

The door had barely closed, and he tried to turn around to cue the older boy that had been following behind him. “You Zhangjing…”

 

Yanjun gasped with pleasure.

 

At what seemed like lightning speed, Zhangjing had already gotten on his knees, popped open the top button of his jeans, and wrapped his mouth around Yanjun’s cock. Yanjun clutched at the wall behind him for support, moaning with pleasure. He didn’t remember the last time he had gotten a really good blowjob, and he couldn’t feel anything except the older boy’s mouth.

 

He moaned out loud, and he felt Zhangjing speed up.

 

_Fuck._

The older boy was sucking harder than he thought possible, and Yanjun could feel Zhangjing’s tongue swirling up and down his cock. His hands were helping to keep his balance, nails digging into the wall behind him. He was panting hard, his eyes rolling back with pleasure. “Zhangjing…”

 

Hearing his name only seemed to spur on the older boy, and Yanjun felt his release starting to build up. He shuddered as he felt Zhangjing’s hands move up to graze the skin at his hips, the other boy’s thumbs hooking into the crook of his hip bones. And the younger boy let out a cry as Zhangjing’s fingers roamed over the sensitive exposed skin at his sides.

 

Then Yanjun made the mistake of looking down.

 

Zhangjing was staring up at him, widened eyes framed by his long lashes. The older boy was slightly flushed with the effort of taking his cock, his pink-stained lips wrapped around his length. Yanjun groaned with arousal as he watched his cock move in and out of the older boy’s mouth. _Can this possibly get any hotter?_

 

And then Zhangjing took in even more of his cock.

 

The older boy was swallowing him all the way down to the base now, and Yanjun moaned at the sensation of his tip hitting the back of the other boy’s throat. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ And he felt close now, the pressure in his groin becoming unbearable. “No…Zhangjing…”

 

Yanjun came hard, and he kept his eyes closed, enjoying the satisfaction and pleasure of his first blowjob from Zhangjing.

 

“Lin Yanjun!”

 

His eyes snapped open at the sound of the loud rebuke from the older boy.

 

And he couldn’t hold back his laughter. “What happened?”

 

“You said no, so I stopped!”

 

Zhangjing was looking up at him with an angry expression, his face covered in Yanjun’s cum. And a primal possessiveness overtook him. _Mine._ He wiped off a bit from the older boy’s cheek with his index and middle fingers. “Open your mouth.” And the arousal settled in his groan again as Zhangjing sucked on his fingers, tasting his juices. The tip of the older boy’s tongue drew small circles while he sucked, and he watched his fingers moving in and out, enthralled.

 

Yanjun shuddered with pleasure.

 

He lowered his voice into a dangerous lilt. “How about I make it up to you?”

 

Zhangjing’s face perked up into a smile. “How?”

 

Yanjun thought for a moment, and the suggestion slipped out. “What about I let you tie me to the bed? Then you can do whatever you want.”

 

The older boy blushed. “Are you sure that’s okay?”

 

He chuckled. “Yes I’m sure or I wouldn’t have suggested it.”

 

Zhangjing broke out into a mischievous grin. “Okay.”

 

_Oh no, what have I done?_

The older boy crossed to the other side of the room, opening up the top drawer of the dresser to rummage through it while wiping off his face with some tissues. “Lin Yanjun, take off all your clothes and get on the bed.” He began stripping off his clothes. Yanjun hadn’t quite expected the older boy to be as enthusiastic as he was currently acting.

 

Zhangjing let out a cry of satisfaction, pulling out a black tie from his belongings.

 

Yanjun watched lying down as the older boy approached him with excitement. “Yanjun, bring your wrists closer.” He moved his hands closer to the inside post of their bunk beds, a shiver of anticipation running through him as he felt the soft silk tighten around his wrists.

 

“Zhangjing, why did you use one of your good ties?”

 

The older boy shushed him. “Let me concentrate.” Finally, Zhangjing stepped back, satisfied with his handiwork.

 

Yanjun gasped as Zhangjing straddled him, the rough fabric of the boy’s jeans rubbing against his bare skin.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing stared down at Yanjun.

 

_God, how can he be this beautiful?_

He felt a bit heavy on top of the other boy, and he shifted his weight to a more comfortable position. Zhangjing could feel the younger boy getting hard against his thigh. He bit his lip, watching Yanjun’s chest rise and fall slowly with each breath. Yanjun’s abs could be clearly seen though not as defined as Zhengting’s. He slowly traced a finger over the shallow indent. The younger boy hissed. “Aren’t you going to…you know…do something?”

 

He laughed inwardly.

 

It was the first time he had seen Yanjun looking quite so desperate.

 

_Desperate for me to touch him._

A thrill ran through him.

 

No, he wanted to take his time and appreciate the younger boy.

 

He ran his fingers over the other boy’s forehead, tracing the curves of his cheekbones down to Yanjun’s lips. _His lips are so kissable._ Zhangjing swiped his thumb over the younger boy’s lips, and then slipped three fingers into Yanjun’s waiting mouth. The younger boy sucked eagerly, wetting his fingers rapidly. Zhangjing took them out and mindlessly began to stroke Yanjun’s cock.

 

He ignored the gasps of pleasure from the younger boy.

 

Zhangjing brought his head down to kiss Yanjun’s collar bones, sliding his tongue into the crevice, sucking lightly. He heard Yanjun dissolve into breathy moans as he breathed heavily on the younger boy’s neck. He brought his other hand up to feel along the other boy’s chest, tracing the curve of Yanjun’s pecs. He felt the younger boy inhale sharply as his fingers grazed over the boy’s nipples, hardened slightly from the cool air in the room.

 

He felt Yanjun’s cock in his hand harden with arousal.

 

Zhangjing brought his left hand up to the younger boy’s mouth again, motioning for entrance. And Yanjun obediently began to slick his fingers more. Rubbing his thumb over the tip of Yanjun’s cock elicited another breathy moan from the younger boy. “Zhangjing, please…” The pants from Yanjun made pleasure spread through his groin.

 

His fingers slipped down lower, admiring the younger boy’s hip bones again. _Fuck they’re beautiful._ He planted more kisses on the insides of Yanjun’s thighs, nuzzling and marveling at the muscle gained from years of constantly exercising. Nipping at the exposed skin caused Yanjun to whine.

 

And then an idea popped into his head. Zhangjing clawed at his pants zipper, moving to take off his clothes. Yanjun was staring at him, dazed with pleasure as he kept stroking the other boy’s cock. He took the younger boy into his mouth, enjoying the moans coming from Yanjun. After a few minutes of blowing the other boy, Zhangjing stopped.

 

A whine of frustration.

 

Zhangjing flipped his body around so that his cock was above Yanjun’s face. He could feel himself getting hard already at the thought of them sucking each other off simultaneously. “Yanjun…” He moaned and didn’t need to say anymore. Zhangjing gasped as the younger boy took his full length in one stroke, already building up to a fast pace. _Fuck, I forgot how good he is at this._ He lowered his head and concentrated on making Yanjun feel good.

 

The pleasure was overwhelming.

 

Zhangjing hoped desperately that he wasn’t doing a bad job. As far as he could tell, Yanjun was satisfied though, light moaning mixed in as the younger boy sucked his cock. _Fuck._ He felt the pressure building up to his release, and Zhangjing cried out with pleasure as he came, almost gagging as the younger boy came a few seconds later.

 

_Yanjun tastes good._

He made sure to swallow everything cleanly, licking every last drop from Yanjun’s cock.

 

“That was fucking amazing, Zhangjing.”

 

Zhangjing rolled off of the other boy and turned to look at Yanjun.

 

The younger boy was breathing hard, a sexy grin gracing his features, the after-sex glow lighting up his face.

 

“Now untie me so we can cuddle.”

 

_Oh Yanjun, never change._

* * *

 

Zhangjing turned around when he heard his name, pausing his chat with Yanjun. “You Zhangjing, can we talk?” He spotted Zhengting running up to the two of them, and he snuck a glance at Yanjun’s face. The other boy’s expression was impassive, and Zhangjing wondered what the younger boy was thinking.

 

Zhengting stopped a few feet in front of them and flashed Zhangjing a huge smile. His voice came out a little breathy, likely from needing to run and catch up with them. “Can we talk now actually?” The Yuehua boy’s eyes flickered from him to Yanjun, finally settling on his face. Even now, he could feel the blush start on his face as the other boy stared at him. _I hope Lin Yanjun isn’t annoyed._ Yanjun hated to be interrupted in the middle of anything.

 

He let out a sigh of relief at Yanjun’s response. “Yeah, sure. You Zhangjing, I’ll wait for you in the cafeteria. Come find me when you’re done.” _Lin Yanjun doesn’t look angry, thank god._

Zhangjing felt his heart pound as Zhengting grabbed his hand, practically dragging him through the halls back to the Yuehua room. He was still nervous about having to talk to the other boy, and he hated confrontation. But he couldn’t avoid Zhengting forever. And the hand-holding made it worse. The physical contact was a painful reminder of the kiss they had shared, and the nervous pit in his stomach grew larger. _I can’t believe Zhu Zhengting still has this effect on me._ They opened the door of the room, and the two younger Yuehua boys looked up in surprise. Both ChengCheng and Justin broke out into giggles when they saw who Zhengting brought back. 

 

“Oooo.” Zhangjing felt the embarrassment rush up into his face as the two boys started making kissy-faces at them.

 

“Both of you get out.” Zhengting’s firm tone made the other two pause their antics. “Now.”

 

And all of a sudden, both ChengCheng and Justin scattered, leaving Zhangjing alone with Zhengting.

 

His anxiousness about the conversation heightened even further as the taller boy simply stared at him without talking. Just as Zhangjing was about to blurt out nonsense, the other boy spoke. “Are you dating Lin Yanjun now?”

 

And the truth felt like a stab to the heart.

 

“No.”

 

Zhangjing didn’t know what else to say. He had spilled his heart out to Zhengting a while ago, just to go back on everything he had said before. Yanjun made him weak. _What am I doing?_ He had told the Yuehua boy that Lin Yanjun wasn’t a possibility, wasn’t realistic. But here he was. Still getting roped in. He had gotten a taste of what could be, and now he didn’t want to let go. _But I should._ Because it could only end badly, and Zhangjing knew that.

 

Zhengting was quiet for a moment. “You don’t have to do this, you know.” The taller boy looked at him with a mixture of hope and seriousness. “You could try to have a real relationship and be happy.” A pause. “With me.”

 

He was stunned into silence. And he couldn’t help the pictures of potential between them that flashed through his head. _It feels nice._ They could have something easy, simple, and loving. There would be less complications, no giant what-ifs lying in wait for their future. He would be able to breathe easier in a relationship with Zhengting.

 

_But Lin Yanjun._

His yearning for Yanjun was too strong, making him weak at the knees and stupid in the head. He wasn’t ready to give it up though he knew he would eventually have to. “I-I don’t think I can right now, Zhu Zhengting. I’m really sorry.” Zhangjing looked down at his feet, ashamed.

 

The Yuehua boy was looking at him with such kindness, something he didn’t deserve in the least. For sure, he didn’t deserve Zhengting’s understanding. The other boy had been so nice to him, treated him with so much respect and patience. Zhengting laughed lightly. “Well, you never know if you’ll succeed unless you try, right? I’m just jealous that Lin Yanjun got to you first.”

 

Zhangjing felt the tears prick at the back of his eyes. “Zhu Zhengting, you don’t deserve this.” He gave the other boy a hopeless look. “I feel like such a horrible person.”

 

Zhengting’s arms enveloped him in a tight hug, and the taller boy murmured into his ear. “It’s not your fault. Sometimes the timing just isn’t right. Don’t blame yourself.” The taller boy stroked his hair, and he hid his face away in the Yuehua boy’s chest. “Just know that if you ever want it, I would still like to give you, give _us_ , a chance to see where it can go.”

 

After what seemed like forever, Zhangjing looked up at Zhengting who was smiling sadly down at him.

 

And he wondered what life would be like if he could stop pining after a boy he could never have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Would be happy to talk about 9%/IP or about other random things!  
> Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote)  
> CuriousCat: [Requests/Prompts/Random Chat](https://curiouscat.me/loststickienote)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh, so clearly, I failed at updating once a week. Don't hate me haha. This chapter is sort of a mess, just like my past two weeks, but I tried. Welp. Kept having to re-read this to make sure it made sense. It's been so long ._.
> 
> The story will be wrapped up in **nine chapters** , and I already have two other long fics in the works, with one being another Zhangjun fic.
> 
> Smut warning.
> 
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Yanjun was nervous.

 

He knew he was being selfish. _Damnit._ Watching Zhengting pull Zhangjing away had made him jealous and had hurt his feelings. Even when he had no right to feel that way. He was the one that had laid out the rules, relegating Zhangjing to friends-with-benefits status. _Keeping him at arm’s length away._ And now that he made his bed, he had to lie in it, no matter what the consequences were. Yanjun didn’t have the right to feel jealous over another boy holding hands with Zhangjing. Zhengting’s words from before flashed in his head. _Lin Yanjun, just remember, you don’t own the right to care about him._ And the Yuehua boy was right. He didn’t own the right to care about Zhangjing.

 

But knowing something wasn’t the same as feeling it.

 

And that didn’t stop the jealousy.

 

He gnawed on his lower lip, anxious.

 

Yanjun couldn’t begin eating with Zhangjing, the older boy’s absence making him lose his appetite. He wondered what they were talking about. He was 100% certain that Zhengting liked the older boy. _But does You Zhangjing like Zhu Zhengting?_ That was the ultimate question. He hoped it wasn’t true though. Yanjun had never actually been in a competition for someone’s affections before. Though he hated to admit it publicly, he had never _needed_ to chase after anyone he had liked. He was damn attractive, and everyone knew it. He had never experienced this type of uncertainty, but now he felt a bit lost, not knowing what steps to take next.

 

It didn’t help that he was competing with someone that was equally confident in his own looks. Zhengting always gave off a ‘Bitch, I’m fabulous’ vibe without even trying. _I’m going crazy._ Yanjun’s ears perked up as he heard the two Yuehua boys enter the cafeteria being their usual loud selves. Justin was whining to ChengCheng. “I can’t believe Zhengting kicked us out of our own room.”

 

ChengCheng pouted. “Yeah, it’s so unfair that he can do that just to talk to You Zhangjing. It’s our own room. Why can’t they just talk somewhere else?”

 

Yanjun felt a pit of anxiety form in his stomach when he saw Justin theatrically mock-whisper to ChengCheng. “It’s because they might need the bed.”

 

The both of them broke out in loud laughter while discussing ideas on how to get back at their groupmate.

 

He felt sick.

 

And he couldn’t stop himself from thinking of all the worst-case scenarios as Zhangjing walked into the cafeteria chatting with Zhengting, clearly having an enjoyable time.

 

Yanjun mindlessly listened to the older boy chatter on, only half paying attention. He looked over at Zhengting, who had left Zhangjing to join ChengCheng and Justin’s table instead. He felt himself blush when the Yuehua boy turned slightly, catching his staring and looking back with an unreadable expression.

_Shit._

“You Zhangjing, let’s go watch a movie.” He declared, trying to distract himself from his thoughts.

 

The older boy paused mid-chew, shocked. _You are so adorable._ He squeaked with surprise. “Like a date?”

 

_Yes, a date._

“Nah, I just don’t feel great today, and I thought we could go out and see a movie instead of watching in bed.” He explained quickly, watching the older boy blush cutely.

 

Zhangjing flashed him a wide smile, and Yanjun felt a tug at his heart seeing the older boy’s bunny teeth. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go watch a movie then.”

 

Yanjun felt his heart beating impossibly fast as they made their way over to the theater. The older boy had automatically slipped his right hand into Yanjun’s left, and the younger boy marveled at just how perfectly their hands fit together, fingers intertwined. He could feel his palm getting slightly sweaty, and he felt grateful that Zhangjing chose to ignore it.

 

_Shit._

A passerby rudely tried to push past them with no space to walk on the narrow sidewalk. Yanjun pulled the older boy close automatically, shielding him from being knocked over. The feeling of protectiveness was back, and Yanjun melted at the physical contact, the older boy curled in his arms. And for the first time, he felt like he was in too deep. _Well, no going back now._ Zhangjing said something, but his voice was too muffled being pressed up again Yanjun. “Sorry, what did you say?”

 

“I said thank you.” Zhangjing was looking up at him with bright round eyes, and Yanjun imagined it was love instead of gratitude he saw.

 

They grabbed popcorn and soda before making their way to their movie. After some brief arguing, Yanjun gave in to the older boy. Zhangjing had insisted on the horror movie, a decision that the older boy was sure to regret later. Though Zhangjing enjoyed being scared during horror movies, it was what happened afterwards that was a hassle. In the past, depending on how scary the movie was, Yanjun was forced to accompany the older boy everywhere. Zhangjing would jump at the slightest sounds and freak out if it was dark, his imagination creating ghosts or serial killers that didn’t exist out of the shadows.

 

At best, it was only a slight inconvenience to Yanjun.

 

But at worst, he used to wonder what he was doing following the other boy to the toilet down the hall and standing guard outside while rubbing the sleep from his eyes at 3am in the morning. And he would comply with Zhangjing’s ridiculous request of knocking on the door every few seconds so the older boy _would know that the aliens didn’t get him._

 

Yanjun could never say no to Zhangjing though, and they kept watching horror movies.

 

They entered the back of the movie theater with Zhangjing dragging him by the hand over to what he claimed were _the best seats._ And the plopped down right in the middle of the row, the popcorn and soda in between them. Zhangjing leaned over and whispered softly into his ear. “Do you think this is going to be really scary?”

 

He wordlessly held out his hand, motioning for the older boy to take it. Zhangjing looked at him gratefully, and Yanjun could still make out his smile in the dim lighting. _You Zhangjing, I hope we can stay like this forever._

 

And he couldn’t tell for the rest of the movie whether it was the scare tactics or Zhangjing’s hand squeezing his each time that made his heart pound so hard.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun grunted when he felt the tap.

 

“Lin Yanjun, can you sleep with me tonight?” Zhangjing’s soft voice floated from behind him. They had gotten back from the movie fairly late, and Yanjun could see the older boy rubbing the sleep from his eyes, not quite walking in the straightest line. So he had insisted on piggybacking the older boy up to their room. Zhangjing’s arms were wrapped around him, the warmth of his breath on the back of his neck.

 

“Are you still scared?” Zhangjing murmured a yes. “I told you we shouldn’t have gone to see a horror movie. You always get too scared later on.”

 

“It’s okay if I have you here to protect me.”

 

Yanjun felt his throat tighten up with a feeling akin to regret. “Of course.” And he was suddenly aware of how hot Zhangjing’s cheek felt against his back, and he was struggling to push down his feelings, struggling to stop the ‘I love you’ from coming out. So he switched the topic. “Did you and Zhu Zhengting work things out?”

 

The older boy’s tone became lighter. _Happier._ “Yes, we did. Everything is fine between us now. He understands.”

 

And Yanjun felt the twisting in his gut start, the uncomfortable feeling that appeared every time Zhangjing talked about the other boy.

 

They made their way to their room and slowly got ready for bed. And it wasn’t until he was lying in bed next to Zhangjing, listening to the older boy’s breathing, that Yanjun felt the wave of consequences for all his bad decisions wash over him, drowning him in his sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing stared at Yanjun and Dinghao.

 

_How are their visuals so good?_

They had arrived early in the morning for the photoshoot, and he was beginning to get tired from all the posing and smiling. The concept for the day included both indoors and outdoors shoots, and the outdoors part was really getting to him. The sun was beating down on them, and it seemed that every photo he took came out wrong. He always seemed to be blinking at the wrong moment or his clothes weren’t adjusted properly. Not to mention the sun kept getting in his eyes every time he looked upwards. But neither Dinghao or Yanjun seemed to be having the same problem. So he was stuck doing retake after retake until the photographer was pleased while the other two sat in the shade chatting.

 

“You Zhangjing, could you please turn your head this way?”

 

He sighed.

 

Zhangjing felt really outclassed. After taking all the photos, the photographer had gathered them around to look at the collection. And in all the pictures, it was apparent that he was the weak link. And it made him wonder why Yanjun always hung around him when his looks were clearly so much better. _Does Lin Yanjun ever get embarrassed of always being paired with me?_ And he felt a lump in his throat as he looked at Dinghao gesturing wildly at Yanjun from across the room, making Yanjun throw back his head laughing. And Zhangjing couldn’t help the jealousy that rose up in him. _This is stupid._ Dinghao was a groupmate, a friend, and Zhangjing had no reason to be jealous of him.

 

Except for the fact that _those two look damn good standing next to each other._

And then their next set of pictures popped up on the monitor.

 

He felt his breath catch in his throat.

 

They had done a bunch of group pictures, but the photographer had also wanted Yanjun and Zhangjing to pose together without Dinghao. He supposed it was because they were the ones that were seen together all the time, the ones that seemed glued at the hip. Zhangjing had felt uncomfortably aware of their poses during the shoot with the younger boy’s head slightly on top of his chest, Yanjun’s shoulder digging in somewhat to the sensitive part of his neck, the part the younger boy loved to nuzzle when they were in bed together. And they had stayed in the position for a while, the camera going off all the while, capturing the intimate moment.

 

_Lin Yanjun looks breathtaking._

The camera had managed to capture the younger boy at his best, and Zhangjing was struck by how Yanjun’s expression looked like the ones he gave after sex when he smiled lazily at Zhangjing. And he was struck again by how effortless the younger boy was. He felt his face burning somewhat as he imagined just how embarrassing he must look next to Yanjun.

 

“This picture is perfect.” The photographer declared, pointing at Zhangjing and Yanjun on the screen. “You two give off the vibe of being lovers. I think it really fits with our aesthetic for today.”

 

Dinghao snorted behind him. “As if. Lin Yanjun’s so vain that I bet he wouldn’t accept anyone that isn’t as attractive as he is. Right, You Zhangjing?” The younger boy threw his arm over Zhangjing’s shoulder.

 

The thought made Zhangjing panic.

 

“I don’t think that’s true.” He tried to counter. “Lin Yanjun isn’t that vain.”

 

Dinghao rolled his eyes. “Yeah, he’s _so_ not vain. That’s why he spends so much time staring at his reflection in the mirror.” The younger boy replied sarcastically.

 

The seeds of doubt nagged at the edge of his reasoning. Zhangjing looked across the room at Yanjun, who was getting more solo pictures taken. _God, he’s so beautiful._ His chest tightened uncomfortably. Dinghao was right. Yanjun had his pick of anyone he wanted, boy or girl. Why would the younger boy ever think to choose him in the end?

 

_When it rains, it pours._

Zhangjing felt all the negative thoughts threatening to overwhelm him. He was stupid to think that he was anything more than a temporary distraction for Yanjun. And hadn’t the younger boy already proven that point by only offering him friends-with-benefits status? Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Yanjun looking at him, and he felt the tears threatening to fall. Excusing himself to Dinghao, he rushed out of the room, mumbling something about going to the bathroom.

 

_I need to get away from here._

* * *

 

Yanjun saw the older boy rush out of the room.

 

_Shit, did something happen?_

He willed the photographer to hurry up in his head, every inch of his body fighting the urge to run after Zhangjing. _Why is this taking so long?_ Yanjun felt himself becoming irritated as more shots were taken, and when the man finally finished, he breathed a sigh of relief. “Lu Dinghao, what happened? Where did You Zhangjing go?”

 

The other boy shrugged at him. “Nothing happened. He just needed to go to the bathroom.”

 

_That’s not true._

The older boy had looked upset, and even if Dinghao hadn’t noticed, he did. Zhangjing was terrible at hiding negative emotions, and Yanjun had gotten used to reading the older boy’s face. He insisted and pushed harder for an answer. “Lu Dinghao, what did you say to him before he left?”

 

Dinghao laughed. “Nothing important. Just that you’re vain and would only date really attractive people.”

 

_Oh no._

He grit his teeth. “Why would you even say that to him?”

 

Before the other boy could give him a response, the photographer called them over. “Let’s get a few shots of you two together now.”

 

Yanjun was seething with fury on the inside. Sometimes Dinghao just didn’t know how to keep his mouth shut. Even worse, he didn’t realize how his words sounded to other people oftentimes. He mulled over the situation as the photographer began snapping pictures of them. Zhangjing had never been confident in his looks, and that had bothered Yanjun in the past. He may have been voted the best visual in Idol Producer, but Zhangjing was the one that could make everyone smile, lighten the mood in any situation.

 

And Yanjun loved that about him.

 

Regardless of whether the older boy thought so, he felt that what Zhangjing had was much more special. So what if he had perfect visuals? It wasn’t like he had done anything to earn that, and a lot of the time he spent energy fighting off the idea that he was only valuable in a group because of his face. Yanjun yearned to be recognized for more, and he had been extremely jealous of Zhangjing at first for all the praises the older boy received for his singing.

 

All the jealousy had evaporated though when the older boy had sat in the corner of their practice room while he worked on his little compositions, watching him intently. At first he had been uncomfortable, but once it became apparent that Zhangjing was only there to watch, he had continued working without reservation. He had been stuck on a particular part though, and after a few hours, the older boy finally approached him and offered his help. Zhangjing had patiently stayed with him, hesitantly feeling out the keys on the keyboard that Yanjun wanted, helping him to finish the melody while working through the night. Yanjun had been uncertain about his vocals, but Zhangjing had looked at him encouragingly, spurring him to sing with more confidence.

 

They had flopped on the floor from tiredness just as the sun was starting to peek over the horizon.

 

And Yanjun remembered thinking it was the most beautiful sunrise he had ever experienced.

 

Zhangjing had acknowledged his skill, seeing past just his looks, and for that, Yanjun was grateful.

 

So yes, maybe Zhangjing didn’t have the visuals that he had.

 

But the older boy possessed something much more important to Yanjun.

 

_You Zhangjing has the ability to make people happy._

No, Zhangjing had the ability to make _him_ happy.

 

Dinghao’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “Lin Yanjun, he said he wants us to pose with the same aura as you and You Zhangjing earlier.”

 

The photographer positioned them so that they were staring into each other’s eyes at an angle. “Good, good, now closer. I want you two to look like you’re longing for someone special.” Zhangjing’s face came up in Yanjun’s head. Dinghao immediately tilted his head to the side.

 

And Yanjun should have seen it coming as soon as the glint of mischievousness appeared in the other boy’s eyes. Suddenly, he felt the other boy’s lips pressed against his, warm and alluring. It was over as quickly as it started, the sound of Dinghao’s laughter piercing the air. And the sound was grating against his ears, making his head pound.

 

But all he could see, all he could concentrate on, was Zhangjing across the room, a stricken look on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun couldn’t feel anything.

 

His legs moved automatically, churning into a full sprint almost immediately. He ignored the surprised cries from Dinghao and their photographer. There was a pounding in his head still, and all his thoughts were scattered to the wind. His body was moving as if by instinct.

 

_Zhangjing._

He paused when he reached the door, the older boy no where in sight. After a moment’s hesitation, he randomly picked the hallway to his left first. And the walls were blurring now, each room looking the same as the last. _How many damn rooms does this building have?_ He couldn’t remember whether he had already entered this room before, and he could almost feel each passing second, his goal slipping out of his reach. And as more time passed without spotting the older boy, Yanjun felt more and more desperate.

 

Yanjun finally found Zhangjing in an empty room at the far side of the building.

 

But after finding the older boy, Yanjun realized he had no words.

 

_There’s nothing I can say right now._

The younger boy just held Zhangjing in his arms, letting his sobs echo off the walls.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun trudged up the stairs behind the older boy.

 

Zhangjing had calmed down quickly after he arrived, but he didn’t return to the set, making the excuse that he wasn’t feeling well. He could still see the streak marks on the older boy’s cheeks, the only leftover evidence that showed Zhangjing had been crying. _What can I do?_ Yanjun knew that it technically wasn’t his own fault. In fact, he had given Dinghao a scalding lecture as soon as he returned to the set, almost reducing the other boy to tears. Yes, Dinghao had meant it as a joke, but that wouldn’t change the way Zhangjing felt.

 

His words of comfort died on his lips, smothered before they could make their way out.

 

The older boy climbed into his bed as soon as they got back to their room.

 

Yanjun had never heard a silence so deafening.

 

An overwhelming urge to do something overtook him.

 

But he had nothing left to offer. Yanjun didn’t dare touch the older boy even as he was watching him warily, a few steps on the ladder to the top bunk so he could get a better view. He was afraid, afraid that any contact would shatter the illusion of any friendship they had left. Yanjun was painfully aware of how close they were to the line now. The boundary that he thought he had built was now so breakable, thin.

 

So Yanjun played the only card he thought he had left.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing felt terrible.

 

The entire day’s events had set his thoughts into turmoil, and he was questioning all his decisions now. How fitting. Even though Zhengting had warned him, he had foolishly thought he could handle Yanjun himself. He had thought he could handle being so close to the younger boy without quite belonging to each other. And Zhangjing had let himself get stuck in this in-between, in this uncertainty, thinking he would be able to escape whenever he chose to.

 

Oh, how wrong he was.

 

Then he heard Yanjun’s voice.

 

“Do you want to have sex?”

 

He faced the younger boy, finally turning from facing the wall. Yanjun’s eyes were hopeful, his smile lopsided with worry. And suddenly, it was all too much. Zhangjing didn’t think before crashing his lips into Yanjun’s, hard enough to bruise, his teeth hitting the front of the other boy’s accidentally. And he moaned with arousal as he pushed his tongue into the younger boy’s moth, feeling Yanjun push back, fighting him for dominance.

 

And his fingers were clawing at his clothes, trying to quickly strip everything off, desperate to love, to fuck Yanjun. The younger boy broke the kiss off, gasping for air. “Wait, come down first. My bed.” Zhangjing quickly climbed down the ladder. Yanjun already had his clothes off, and he felt the younger boy pull at the waistband of his pants, sliding them off. Zhangjing moaned as they began making out again, his body pressed up tightly against Yanjun’s. He ran his hand through the younger boy’s hair, tugging slightly and eliciting a groan of arousal from the other boy. Zhangjing deepened their kiss with an intensity sure to leave his lips swollen tomorrow. And his tongue was wrapped around the younger boy’s now, desperate to take everything about Yanjun in.

 

Zhangjing moaned as the younger boy his leg around his waist, creating _beautiful_ , _intense_ friction between their groins. And he felt his cock rubbing up against Yanjun’s, making him harden further with desire. All his love for the younger boy came up to the surface, and he pushed closer to Yanjun in desperation to make him understand. He heard Yanjun moan into his mouth, the younger boy’s tongue vibrating up against his when his fingers probed against Yanjun’s opening.

 

He wanted to fuck Yanjun, tell the younger boy to belong to him and only him.

 

Zhangjing stopped kissing Yanjun, a bit breathless. “Yanjun, I want to fuck you.”

 

The younger boy turned to grab the lube out of the drawer and handed it to him. Then Yanjun positioned himself on all fours, readying himself to receive Zhangjing’s cock. He groaned as he saw the younger boy shiver slightly in anticipation. Zhangjing could already see Yanjun clenching and unclenching, making the arousal gather in his lower half. _Fuck._ He smeared the lube over the other boy’s opening, hearing him hiss at the cold gel.

 

He slid the tip of his index finger in only till the first knuckle, hooking it on Yanjun’s opening. “Do you want to be fucked, Yanjun?”

 

Yanjun began panting with arousal. “Yes, please… Zhangjing, please, fuck me.”

 

Zhangjing heard the moans intensify as he slid his index finger fully in to the base. The inside of Yanjun was warm, and he could feel the younger boy pulsating against his finger. He began to slide in and out, and Yanjun started to lightly rock backwards, trying to create more friction. _Fuck, Yanjun is so hot._ Zhangjing felt the stirring in his groin increase, and he popped his finger back out.

 

Without giving the younger boy time to react, he pushed his full length into Yanjun.

 

And the other boy began to scream his name with pleasure as he pumped in harder and faster. His hands were grabbing Yanjun’s hips hard enough to leave bruises, and Zhangjing felt like he was trying pour all his love, desperation, and frustration into the younger boy, fucking him as hard as he could. Yanjun was contracting tightly against his cock, squeezing him with each thrust. And suddenly the younger boy’s voice grew louder, and Zhangjing tried to hit the same spot over and over, urging Yanjun towards release.

 

He felt Yanjun getting close, pulsating faster and tightening an almost unbearable amount. And Zhangjing took his right hand and smacked the younger boy’s ass, satisfied at the red mark that appeared. His voice dropped lower. “Yanjun, I think you need to be punished for today.”

 

And he could feel the younger boy’s arousal heighten, running through Yanjun’s body and vibrating around his cock. “Yes, Zhangjing…please punish me, fuck me harder.”

 

A few more hard thrusts alternating with spanking.

 

Zhangjing sensed Yanjun’s release coming on, and the younger boy gave one last scream of pleasure before ejaculating all over his sheets. And he came some moments after the younger boy did, filling up Yanjun’s ass with his seed. And he stayed inside the younger boy for a bit longer to bask in the feeling of releasing inside Yanjun.

 

When he pulled out, he swore.

 

Yanjun was still pulsating slightly, and Zhangjing grabbed a tissue to wipe away the cum dripping down the younger boy’s leg.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun began screaming Zhangjing’s name in pleasure as the older boy pounded him in the ass. _Oh god._ Zhangjing had thrust inside him without warning, and the small amount of preparation did nothing to diminish the fullness he felt. _Oh god, it’s been a while since I’ve been fucked this hard._ Lately, he had spent more time doing the fucking, and everything felt sensitive as Zhangjing hit his core, stimulating the bundle of nerves and shooting pleasure all the way down to his toes.

 

And then the older boy hit the perfect spot _._

 

His voice grew louder, pleading for release. He could feel himself pulsating too quickly, a sure sign that he was getting close, the feeling of needing to come overpowering his senses.

 

Yanjun felt the first spank with some shock.

 

And the arousal tightened in his abdomen.

 

_Zhangjing is spanking me._

The older boy’s voice was silky and threatening. “Yanjun, I think you need to be punished for today.”

 

He didn’t think he could get any more turned on. _Yes Zhangjing, punish me._ And his voice came out needy and whiny, panting with desire. “Yes, Zhangjing…please punish me, fuck me harder.”

 

A groan of gratification welled up in his chest as he came, dirtying the sheets of his bed. And Yanjun felt the older boy finish inside of him, filling him up all the way. He sank down on to the bed, careful to avoid the wet spots he had made, and turned to look at Zhangjing who had collapsed beside him.

 

He kissed the older boy on the cheek, and Yanjun couldn’t tell if the saltiness was from the earlier tears that had dried on Zhangjing’s face or from the efforts of sex.

 

_Zhangjing, please forgive me._

* * *

 

Zhangjing felt tired, so tired from the whole day.

 

Yanjun was sleeping peacefully next to him, but he couldn’t get quite comfortable enough.

 

They pretended that everything was alright at the end of the day, falling asleep in the same bed, ignoring all the questions between them. But sex didn’t solve everything, couldn’t fix everything that had happened.

 

He felt truly tired.

 

Today had been a mess, and he knew it.

 

Zhangjing didn’t know if he had the emotional bandwidth to keep up appearances. He didn’t know how much longer he could do this, be with Yanjun in this way, without breaking apart. A week? A month? A year? And would he forever stand still like this? Staying stagnant, stuck in bad habits he couldn’t break out of.

 

He wracked his mind but came up with no answers.

 

And when he finally drifted off to sleep, it was with troubled thoughts still in his head.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing screamed inwardly with frustration.

 

It was the 4th time that he had messed up the choreography, and he swore that Zhengting was starting to lose his patience. He stared helplessly at the other boy, and Zhengting sighed. “Why don’t we just stop for a bit?” The suggestion was meant to be kind, but Zhangjing still felt embarrassed, upset that he was too distracted to keep up today.

 

“Is something bothering you?” Zhengting looked at him curiously. The next offhand comment took him by surprise. “I thought everything was going well between you and Lin Yanjun.”

 

His shock must have shown on his face because the Yuehua boy began to laugh.

 

Zhangjing had forgotten how light and tinkling the other boy’s laugh sounded.

 

“When I said I didn’t blame you, I meant it.”

 

Zhangjing gave the other boy a grateful look. “Thanks, I really appreciate it. Is there any way I can thank you properly?”

 

Zhengting looked at him, bemused. “You Zhangjing, you can go on that date with me.”

 

He was left with his mouth gaping open.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun was sitting on his bed, absorbed in a new book.

 

He had loved the author’s previous releases, and when he found out that there was a new book, he had dragged Zhangjing to the bookstore to buy a copy. The older boy had grumbled but acquiesced, letting Yanjun drag him down the rows of shelves for an hour, browsing for new, inspiring reads. He had bought a few additional books, even convincing Zhangjing to buy a cookbook that they had unfortunately only cracked open once or twice.

 

Yanjun didn’t even look up when the door swung open, assuming Zhangjing had just forgotten something before heading out to practice. _Silly, You Zhangjing is always forgetting to bring things._ The older boy had left their bed early, whispering a quiet good-bye to him that he could barely hear through his morning drowsiness.

But his head snapped up upon hearing the older boy’s words.

“Lin Yanjun, I might want to date Zhu Zhengting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote)  
> CuriousCat: [Requests/Prompts/Random Chat](https://curiouscat.me/loststickienote)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearing the end! I'm planning on only 9 chapters total for the whole fic. Thank you to everyone who's been reading this fic tbh. It's super special to me because it's my first fic on AO3 + first Zhangjun fic. This chapter contains a bit of self-indulgent Zhuyou, hehe. Hope everyone enjoys!
> 
> P.S. I will soon be starting up another long Zhangjun fic. It's going to be titled 'Every Cliche Ever'. 
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote) for updates, randomness, etc. DMs always open for talking about anything 9%/IP related. ^^
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta-reader, you know who you are. :)

Zhangjing was still staring at Zhengting in shock. His voice came out in a squeak of surprise. “Wait, you still want to go on a date?”

 

The Yuehua boy couldn’t seem to stop laughing, and he wondered just how much more dramatic it was going to get with the boy already rolling on the ground clutching his stomach. For the umpteenth time, Zhangjing wondered why Zhengting thought he was so funny. After wiping away the tears from his eyes and finally calming down, Zhengting managed to choke out some words. “Yes, You Zhangjing, why wouldn’t I still want to go on a date? Just because you’ve been hooking up with Lin Yanjun?”

 

Zhangjing could feel the flush crawling up his neck and burning the tips of his ears.

 

Zhengting’s voice became matter-of-fact. “Like I said before, I’d still be interested in seeing where this can go, and it doesn’t bother me that you’ve been with Lin Yanjun.” The Yuehua boy flashed his pearly white teeth at him. “People fall in and out of love all the time, and you’re supposed to just move on when that happens.”

 

He felt his throat tighten with regret.

 

_Love._

Zhangjing was almost sure he loved Yanjun. But if it was love, why did it hurt so badly? Why was he still living with this uncertainty over their relationship? His mind flashed to the scene of yesterday’s kiss, the image of Dinghao and Yanjun with their lips pressed together. And Zhangjing knew the truth deep down. Even now, no matter how many times they would seek out each other’s beds, no matter how many words of affection Yanjun whispered to him while falling asleep, they still didn’t belong to each other.

 

At the end of the day, Yanjun had chosen to tell him that they were _just_ friends-with-benefits.

 

The younger boy had drawn a line since day 1, and it felt like Zhangjing was the only one of them that was having difficulty not crossing it.

 

His heart hurt.

 

After having sex, Yanjun hadn’t chosen to say anything further about the situation with Dinghao, and Zhangjing was left thinking that the younger boy could only see sex as the solution. He had watched Yanjun’s back while the boy fell asleep facing away from him, and he desperately wanted to reach out and touch him. He wanted to make sure Yanjun was _still here next to me._ _Talk to me, Lin Yanjun._ Zhangjing was at a loss. They used to tell each other everything, and now, he couldn’t even ask.

 

The negative thoughts were making his practicing worse and worse. Zhangjing couldn’t concentrate, and it was starting to show. His feet felt clumsy underneath him, and as if by inevitability, his body finally gave up. Zhangjing let out a sharp cry, his ankle folding underneath him, and he tumbled to the floor, hitting it hard.

 

In an instant, Zhengting was beside him, his eyes wide with panic. “You Zhangjing, are you okay? Did you break something?” Zhangjing winced and clutched at his ankle, which felt tender to his touch.

 

“I don’t think I broke anything, but it hurts pretty bad.”

 

And he stared up at Zhengting and immediately felt bad.

 

The younger boy was looking down at him, a mixture of anger, worry, and distress on his face. It seemed as if Zhengting wasn’t sure exactly what expression to arrange his face into. After what seemed like forever, the Yuehua boy finally let out a long exhale. “Stay here for a second. I’ll go get some ice for your ankle.”

 

Zhangjing was left in the empty room, wondering what he had done to deserve Zhengting’s compassion.

 

_Zhu Zhengting is like a guardian angel._

 

The other boy was gone for only a few moments, returning with an ice pack wrapped in paper towels and a pillow. Zhengting motioned for him to reposition his foot on the pillow and then placed the ice over his ankle, which had started to swell slightly once the younger boy left the room. “Thank you, Zhu Zhengting.”

 

“No worries. Now just sit here and ice it while I practice for a bit. I can help you back to your room afterwards.”

 

Zhangjing sat back against the wall, against the set of mirrors for monitoring their dance progress and watched as the younger boy practiced. Zhengting was running through all the choreographies for their fanmeet songs, trying to keep the steps straightened in his head. They had a few days off from doing fanmeets, and they were all a little rusty. Not to mention, he knew the younger boy had been prepping for another release with the other Yuehua boys, making even more choreographies for him to memorize.

 

He could feel himself getting slightly hot as he watched Zhengting practice the Mack Daddy choreography. _His body rolls are really…something else._ Zhangjing could see the younger boy getting sweatier, the tips of his hair starting to stick together. It was kind of sexy. Zhengting was so graceful that he made all the moves look effortless. He was somewhat mesmerized by the other boy’s fingers, elegantly brushing through the air almost in a caress.

 

And then he felt the shock run through his body.

 

In one fluid movement, Zhengting had pulled his shirt over his head, throwing it in the corner, presumably feeling that his shirt was too warm and sweaty. And Zhangjing felt his breath hitch involuntarily. _Oh my god._ The younger boy was breathing heavily, emphasizing his abs as he breathed in and out. And Zhangjing _knew_ that Zhengting had abs. They had joked about it so often during Idol Producer, teasing the younger boy. Hell, he had _touched those abs._ But at the time, he felt so sick that there had been no time to appreciate the experience.

 

Zhangjing felt a bit light-headed.

 

Normally, he would have thought it gross as the other boy was slicked with sweat, but all he could think about was how he definitely wouldn’t mind tracing his tongue over Zhengting’s body, delving lower and lower until… _Oh fuck._ Zhangjing could see the smallest peek of black near the waistband of the younger boy that was revealed each time Zhengting rolled his hips a certain way.

 

_Fuck, is that a tattoo?_

Zhangjing gulped.

 

If he didn’t think Zhengting could get any sexier, well, now he was proven wrong.

 

He wondered what it would feel like to run his tongue over the other boy’s tattoo, sucking lightly at his hip bones, and he pondered just how far the black ink went and its close proximity to Zhengting’s cock. More unbidden thoughts rose up, and he had to remind himself that he shouldn’t be having sexual thoughts about the younger boy in such a public place. _Although we were totally fooling around in here before._

Zhangjing blushed remembering Zhengting on top of him.

 

_Fuck, I need to go back to my room and masturbate._

The thought of his bed gave him comfort, and he struggled to stand up, leaning against the wall for help. _It’s so difficult to balance on one foot._ He shifted his weight slightly so that he wasn’t standing on his hurt ankle. “Zhu Zhengting, could we leave now?”

The younger boy didn’t seem to hear him, and he repeated his question louder, embarrassed that he needed help.

Zhengting finally turned his head and nodded. “Yeah, sure. I still want to practice a bit more, but I can take you back to your room.” In a few long strides, the Yuehua boy was standing in front of him, already crouching down. “Here, let me carry you.”

Zhangjing couldn’t stop the look of horror that crossed his face.

 

He wasn’t sure what was worse. The fact that he had stupidly twisted his ankle and needed help getting back to his room. Or that he was already aroused and Zhengting was sure to feel his growing hard-on if he accepted being piggy-backed. Or that Zhengting was way too close for comfort already, and all Zhangjing wanted to do was scream at him to _put on some damn clothes first._

 

The younger boy turned around, took one look at his face, and smirked.

 

_Oh no._

A feeling of foreboding ran through him.

 

The taller boy bent his head down a bit to stare at him fully. Zhengting’s voice was light and teasing like always. “You Zhangjing, are you uncomfortable?” And the younger boy gave him a look of such innocence that he would have believed if he didn’t know any better. “Is it because I took my shirt off?”

 

And Zhangjing was trapped between the taller boy’s arms now, back up against the wall, and all he can feel is the Yuehua boy’s words in his ears, his breath grazing his earlobe in a light pant. He let out an unintentional moan, and Zhengting chuckles darkly into his ear. “Because if I remember correctly, you’ve already seen me with my shirt off. Actually, I think I remember being on top of you last time, You Zhangjing.”

 

He can’t breathe anymore.

 

The younger boy’s hands were playfully working their magic near the waist of his jeans, stroking the sensitive skin of his lower abdomen, threatening to dip deeper into his pants. And he wanted it to happen. Just as he opened his mouth to ask though, Zhengting pulled back suddenly. “But I don’t want to do anything unless you think you’re ready to move on from Lin Yanjun.”

 

And Zhangjing was sucked back to the present, to reality.

 

* * *

 

 

An icy cold washed over him, and Zhangjing’s words felt like a punch to the gut.

 

_When had it all gone so wrong?_

Yanjun didn’t have an answer. And he could see the other boy’s mouth moving, but he felt numb and none of the words were reaching him. _Zhangjing wants to date Zhu Zhengting._ All he could hear was the echo of the end drawing near. There were a million things he wanted to ask. _Why did it have to happen like this?_ He had thought everything was okay between them, but clearly not. And he only caught the end of the older boy’s speech. “…and I just want us to be best friends still.”

 

_Best friends._

Yanjun never thought the day would come when it would be this _painful_ hearing Zhangjing refer to him as a best friend.

 

And even though every inch of his body was screaming at him to say no, he couldn’t. He found himself agreeing numbly, not able to object at the older boy whose eyes were pleading with him to understand. The words of congratulations dropped out of his mouth, and though the meaning was sweet, the words felt thick and unyielding in his mouth, threatening to choke him. Zhangjing was beaming at him now, clearly pleased with his response.

 

_Don’t go._

 

And now the older boy was asking him something. To switch beds? It vaguely registered in his head that Zhangjing said he hurt his ankle, and the feeling of protectiveness surged up overriding all his other thoughts. _But Zhu Zhengting took care of it._ He wished Zhangjing didn’t look _so goddamn happy_. And Yanjun felt a lump forming in the back of his throat. The voice that came out felt foreign to his ears. “Yeah, sure you can use the bottom bunk, You Zhangjing. You shouldn’t climb the ladder to the top bunk if you twisted your ankle.”

 

And he still couldn’t find the right words as he watched Zhangjing walk away from him.

 

Later in the night, he was left feeling alone, the first time in weeks that he didn’t have the smaller boy’s frame cuddled up against him. He didn’t realize just how comforting it was to be in the same bed as Zhangjing. The sadness welled up in his chest. _I fucked up._ Somewhere along the line, he had messed everything up. He didn’t know if it was fair to blame it on yesterday’s debacle, but he felt guilty for the blame he partially attributed to Dinghao. Because it wasn’t really Dinghao’s fault. It was his own. And he wondered if he could do it all again whether he would change everything. If he would have just asked Zhangjing to be his boyfriend instead of starting this whole friends-with-benefits mess. Or if he would be just as afraid the second time around, too much of a coward to tell Zhangjing how he felt.

 

But now it was too late.

 

Yanjun could still smell the scent of Zhangjing’s shampoo on the pillow as the tears finally started to fall.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing was excited.

 

He had finally told Zhengting about breaking things off with Yanjun after a week. The younger boy’s face has gradually changed from shock to pure happiness, breaking out into one of his wide signature smiles. Zhengting had asked him over and over again, almost as in a daze. “You Zhangjing, are you sure you want to go on a date?”

 

Zhengting repeated himself so many times that Zhangjing couldn’t hold back his laughter. And the younger boy had grabbed his hand and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, squeezing all the air out of his lungs. Zhangjing had felt as light as air when it happened.

 

He had waited a few days to let Yanjun get used to the idea, hoping that things would return to normal. And they mostly had, with the other boy returning to telling him cold jokes, making him laugh. They were slightly more cautious of each other now though, no longer as liberal with their skinship, each touch needing to be more calculated. But Zhangjing had grown impatient, and he couldn’t wait any longer.

 

Last night, he told Yanjun his plan to ask Zhengting on a date, and the other boy had smiled at him.

 

Zhangjing took it as his blessing.

 

He knocked on the door.

 

_Déjà vu._

Xukun looked at him kindly as always. “Do you need help dressing for a date again?”

 

Zhangjing blushed. _Am I really that obvious?_ “Yeah, can you and Wang Ziyi help again?”

 

Their leader nodded. “Of course.”

 

And once again they made him try on a seemingly endless line-up of outfits, before settling on black jeans and shoes, a yellow t-shirt, and a blue hoodie. He felt like his outfit was too lazy. His tone came out skeptical, facing the two other boys. “Are you two sure this is okay? I mean, we’re just getting boba I think at that café, but isn’t this a bit too casual? Shouldn’t I be trying to impress?”

 

Ziyi smiled at him. “No, Lin Yanjun will love it.”

 

Zhangjing felt his stomach sink, and he quickly corrected the other boy. “I’m actually going with Zhu Zhengting.”

 

Xukun and Ziyi were giving each other confused looks. “Did something happen between you and Lin Yanjun?”

 

The question made him uncomfortable, and he thought of the best way to answer. “No, nothing happened. We just decided to stay friends, and Zhu Zhengting asked me out on a date.”

 

Ziyi nodded at him thoughtfully though Xukun still had a somewhat perplexed look on his face. “As long as you’re happy, You Zhangjing.” The two boys left his room, leaving him to get ready by himself. When he got out of the shower, Yanjun had returned, sprawled out on the bottom bunk.

 

“Hey, what are you up to? Going somewhere?”

 

Zhangjing felt his throat lock up. _You Zhangjing, you need to be honest if you want to keep being best friends._ He scolded himself inwardly and forced his mouth to open. “Zhu Zhengting and I are going to get boba together.” He paused. “Like a date.”

 

The younger boy gave him a serious look. “If he hurts you, tell me, and I’ll break his leg.”

 

He laughed at the absurdity of the statement. “Don’t be silly, Lin Yanjun. That’s such a stupid threat. You can’t break his leg. We all need to perform on stage together.”

 

And he felt relieved as the other boy started to laugh too.

 

_This almost feels normal, like old times._

* * *

 

Yanjun felt an itch at the back of his throat, and he willed himself to not show his disappointment on his face. To cover up his feelings, he did what he always did, cracking a joke to lighten the mood. Zhangjing’s laughter did nothing to appease the growing knot in his abdomen. But he forced himself to laugh along even though it was the last thing he felt like doing.

 

After Zhangjing left, he tried to spend his time distracting himself from the thought that _You Zhangjing is going on a date with Zhu Zhengting._ But being in their room wasn’t helping, and with every glance around, he was reminded of the other boy. He became antsy from being on his bed and began to pace back and forth. To the window, then back to the door. Window, door, window, door. He felt trapped in their room, like he was going to crawl out of his skin any second. Finally, Yanjun gave up, leaving to seek out NongNong instead.

 

The younger boy looked concerned when he opened the door to his room. And Yanjun could only imagine what NongNong saw. _I probably look like a wreck right now._ He blurted out an apology. “I can’t stay in my room. Zhu Zhengting is going on a date with You Zhangjing.”

 

NongNong shook his head in exasperation. “Come in.”

 

He paused when he saw Xiao Gui sitting on the top bunk. “Hey, what’s up?”

 

Yanjun clammed up, and the rapper rolled his eyes. “NongNong already told me everything.”

 

He glared at the other Taiwanese boy, but NongNong only shrugged back at him. “I mean, there wasn’t much to tell. It’s not like you’re being subtle about it at all.” NongNong patted the spot next to him on the bed, motioning for him to sit down. “The only question is why won’t you just get over yourself and tell You Zhangjing how you feel.”

 

“It’s not that simple.” And his words are starting to sound lame even to his own ears. “We’re best friends, and I don’t want to ruin that.” He added on. “Besides, I think he and Zhu Zhengting look cute together.”

 

The last bit sounded forced and unnatural, and NongNong looked at him in disbelief.

 

Xiao Gui’s voice came floating down from the top bunk, his tone matter-of-fact and no-nonsense. “Yeah, but why would you not even try for the one person that might be the love of your life?”

 

Yanjun felt the burn of embarrassment starting from the tips of his ears. _Is that what I’m doing? Am I missing out on the chance to have something wonderful with You Zhangjing?_ And in the back of his mind, he knew it was true, but that didn’t make it any less scary to take that step forward. In his head, he could only remember how happy the older boy had looked talking about his date with Zhengting. _No, I can’t risk jeopardizing Zhangjing’s happiness._

 

If that meant he had to stand by and watch silently as his friend dated Zhengting, then he would have to bear the pain.

 

As if he was reading Yanjun’s mind, NongNong responded. “You don’t have to do that, you know. I really think You Zhangjing would pick you over the world.”

 

But Yanjun still didn’t feel sure enough to try.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing hummed with delight, enjoying his boba drink.

 

He had rushed downstairs, seeing Zhengting waiting for him at the bottom. But his feet were far too clumsy sometimes, and he tripped slightly on the last step, just barely missing the edge. And Zhengting had quickly moved forward to catch him so that Zhangjing only felt a soft landing, squished up tightly against the Yuehua boy’s body. “Are you already falling for me?” Zhengting smiled at him cheekily, and he doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry from embarrassment.

 

It’s only now that he realized that it was the type of joke Yanjun would have told, but it was the first time Yanjun had crossed his mind in the past hour. Zhangjing is surprised that thinking of the other Banana boy didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. _Maybe I can move on from Lin Yanjun after all._ He stared across the table again at Zhengting who is also busy trying to slurp up boba. Zhangjing was studying the other boy’s face when Zhengting noticed him staring, flashing him a huge smile. “Like what you see?”

 

Zhangjing was starting to wonder if he had a specific type.

 

He blushed and shook his head. “I was just thinking.”

 

“What about?”

 

And the words came out before he could stop them. “Lin Yanjun.”

 

Zhengting’s eyes darkened and narrowed. “Let’s see if I can change that.”

 

The Yuehua boy leaned forward quickly and gave him a light kiss on the lips, just barely grazing him. And Zhangjing wished that the other boy had lingered longer. It felt nice to be kissed, to be acknowledged as being a couple in public. _So this is what was missing with Lin Yanjun._ To the other boy’s surprise, he leaned over the table and caught Zhengting’s lips in a deeper kiss, savoring the sweetness in the other boy’s mouth from their drinks.

 

* * *

 

 

Yanjun didn’t know what to do anymore.

 

The older boy came back to their room absolutely raving about how sweet and caring Zhu Zhengting was. And he didn’t know how to feel happy for Zhangjing, didn’t know how to force out enthusiasm for their conversation. He tried his best to pretend, but he felt like he was doing a horrible job. Luckily, Zhangjing didn’t suspect anything, too distracted by his _perfect date_ , too smitten with another boy to notice how Yanjun was slowly dying on the inside.

 

And it felt like a burning pain was eating him up from the inside.

 

“So what you’re saying is that I don’t have to break his legs for you?”

 

Another terrible joke.

 

But Zhangjing still laughed.

 

At least he knew he wasn’t doing the worst job at playing supportive best friend.

 

_Best friend._

He remembered again why he was putting himself through this. Because he was determined to be a good friend, determined to stay by Zhangjing’s side no matter what. Yanjun grit his teeth and ignored the pain, nodding excitedly at appropriate parts of the conversation. But in reality, everything that the older boy said was going in one ear and out the other. Afterwards, he couldn’t even recall what was said, and he wasn’t ready to formulate any coherent response when Zhangjing asked, “So what do you think?”

 

Yanjun weakly responded. “I think it sounds great.”

 

He didn’t even know what exactly he was complimenting, but Zhangjing was nodding at him, happy.

 

The next three days passed in a blur. They had a fanmeet on one of the days, and all Yanjun’s only recollection of the event was that Zhangjing was no longer smiling secretly at him but instead at Zhengting. And everything hurt afterwards. They had gone back to their room, and he had wanted to watch a movie in bed together, feeling all kinds of crappy.

 

The older boy had looked at him carefully, saying that he didn’t think that it was the best idea for them to _be so close_ physically anymore. Zhangjing had suggested they go out and watch a movie at the theater instead, but the thought of needing to pretend to be fine in public exhausted him. He had rejected the offer, and the older boy immediately left to find Zhengting, leaving him alone in their room.

 

_Am I losing my best friend?_

Worse, Zhangjing insisted on updating him about Zhengting every day. _Zhengting this, Zhengting that._ It seemed as though the older boy wanted his feedback and opinion on everything in their relationship, but it was all too much and too sudden for Yanjun. He had gone from being in something close to a relationship with Zhangjing to being delegated back to best friend. And his body and mind were finding it difficult to adjust. He wondered if this was how Zhangjing felt when he told the other boy that they should be friends-with-benefits.

_Did you ever want me the way I wanted you?_

 

Yanjun was left only with the feeling of regret.

 

Even now, he longed to take Zhangjing into his arms and pull the older boy into his bed at the end of the day. The space in his bed was too big, empty of the warmth that had accompanied him to sleep lately. But the older boy could still fall asleep within minutes, leaving him the only one awake with his thoughts.

 

* * *

 

 

He can’t stop the smile from spreading across his face.

 

Zhangjing was walking with Zhengting, the fingers of his right hand intertwined with the Yuehua boy’s left hand. And the younger boy’s grip was firm, smooth to the touch, soft and enveloping. Zhengting had the habit of rubbing his thumb along the side of Zhangjing’s hand when they held hands. The repetitive motion was comforting and made him feel safe and loved. It was a constant reminder that Zhengting was always there next to him.

 

Zhengting had insisted they go out for an official date to celebrate their first two weeks together. He had jokingly asked whether none of the other times were considered dates, getting a childish pout in response. So he had left the other boy to plan, amused by the pure excitement that was radiating off of Zhengting.

 

And now they were here.

 

The younger boy looked down at him with concern. “Are you sure you’re not too cold? We can always go back. I don’t want you to get sick.”

 

Zhangjing melted upon seeing Zhengting’s brows drawn together, his face taut with worry. After careful planning, it had all seemed to fall apart the day of, storm clouds threatening on the horizon. But he couldn’t stand seeing the other boy’s sadness, so he had insisted that they still follow through with the plan. The rain was coming down lightly, more of a sprinkle than a downpour, but the umbrella Zhengting was holding didn’t catch all the droplets perfectly. The younger boy’s hair was sticking to his forehead, and Zhangjing reached his hand up to brush it back out of his eyes.

 

Zhengting blushed.

 

“You’re shivering.” The younger boy interrupted his thoughts.

 

And Zhangjing practically swooned when he saw Zhengting attempt to struggle out of his jacket so that he could have it. “No, don’t do that. Zhu Zhengting, I don’t want you to be cold.” He was shocked when the younger boy pulled him closer, his body pressed up closely to Zhengting’s side. Zhangjing could feel the other boy’s heartbeat, racing slightly faster than normal. And Zhengting’s body heat was warming him up already.

 

They were walking along the street towards the place that Zhengting picked out for their date, and Zhangjing could already smell the fragrance of good food wafting through the air, made more elusive by the light rain. He was delighted to see the food stalls lining both sides of the street, bustling with activity even with the bad weather. The multitude of colorful umbrellas brightened up the scene. “Our date is for the food stall festival?”

 

Zhengting laughed. “I figured we both like food so much that this would be perfect.”

 

“It is!” Zhangjing responded, and he meant it. This was a perfect first official date for them. Zhangjing squeezed the younger boy’s hand in appreciation.

 

And they had a great time.

 

Zhangjing laughed when the Yuehua boy spilled slightly, and he tried to help get the stain out of the hemline of Zhengting’s shirt. But he only succeeded in making the stain worse, an offensive red spot on his light blue top. And the other boy’s pout was just _too cute_ that it made Zhangjing’s stomach flip flop. Zhengting had childishly scowled at the food, refusing to eat another bite of it since it had ruined his shirt. And Zhangjing had to reassure him that they would be able to get the stain out later.

 

They had also shared a small bowl of hand-made noodles, the hot broth making their insides warm and cozy. Zhengting demanded that he be allowed to feed Zhangjing, and the older boy acquiesced. He had opened his mouth to accept the noodles, and the younger boy had pulled away playfully, eating the bite himself. For compensation, Zhengting let him have all the leftover broth, spooning the hot liquid slowly and carefully into his mouth.

 

His eyes had opened comically wide when he saw the cute hand-made desserts, eliciting a laugh from Zhengting. They were shaped like little animals, and they had bought two, one a bear and the other a pig. Zhangjing had immediately pointed out the pig, finding it adorable and reminiscent of Zhengting’s name and character. It had been strawberry-flavored, and he blushed when Zhengting licked the extra whipped cream off the corner of his mouth upon sharing. His bear dessert was chocolate-flavored, cute and well-designed. And Zhangjing was half embarrassed, half pleased when Zhengting fed it to him, holding it out so that he could take a few bites.

 

After filling up on food stall food, the younger boy pointed out a bench in the corner, shielded from the rain by an overhang. “Take a seat, I’ll be right back.”

 

Zhangjing sat down and swung his legs back and forth. _This is going really well._ And the thought suddenly hit him hard. _I really like Zhu Zhengting._ The happiness of the day went straight to his head, and he felt delirious. Zhengting returned holding two cups of hot tea, and they sit next to each other, drinking in the sight together.

 

He scooted closer to the younger boy so that he could rest his head against Zhengting’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, sipping hot tea while watching the people pass by. So many couples were here today, enjoying the day despite the drizzling. _We must look like a couple too._ Zhangjing felt warm inside. And as if the heavens wanted to tell him something, the rain let up after a while, a crack of sunlight peeking through the clouds.

 

* * *

 

 

Zhangjing moaned lightly into the other boy’s mouth.

 

They had gotten back late, and Zhengting decided that he needed to be walked to his room. And he had been about to say good night when the younger boy leaned down to kiss him up against his room door. The kiss had been soft at first but quickly peaked his arousal as Zhengting ran his hands under his shirt along his sides. And now the younger boy’s hands were at the back of his thighs, and his breath hitched, the feelings of pleasure shooting down to his groin. He gasped when Zhengting hoisted him up, and he automatically wrapped his legs tightly around the other boy’s waist, moaning as he felt his hard-on pressing up against Zhengting’s crotch.

 

He whined when the younger boy bit down on the sensitive part of his neck, hard enough to leave a bruise. Zhengting was grinding his crotch into him, and Zhangjing could hear himself panting from desire. He was vaguely aware that they were _still in the goddamn hallway_ , but his body didn’t seem to care, burning and hot from feeling Zhengting’s hands over his skin. He ran his fingers through the younger boy’s hair, tugging lightly and causing Zhengting to let out a needy groan. And the younger boy began to nip more at his collarbone and neck area, leaving behind little love bites.

 

Zhangjing’s eyes rolled back but arching his back only served to create more friction in his groin. And he realized how much he wanted Zhengting. _Right now._ “W-w-wait…”

 

He tried to stop the younger boy from planting kisses further and further down his chest. “We need to find a private place to…” His words trailed off, and Zhengting smirked at him. “To have sex?” And he can feel the blush rising up into his cheeks.

 

_Shit, did I even put on nice boxers today?_

It seemed silly to be worrying about something so stupid, but Zhangjing still had the rain and sweat sticking to his body from their day outside too. And he wanted everything to be as perfect as possible. He chewed on his lower lip. “Yeah…do you mind actually if I just take a shower and everything first?”

 

He felt the arousal swept through him yet again when Zhengting responded in a sexy, low, and throaty whisper. “Why shower though? You’re just going to have to shower again when I’m done with you.” Zhengting laughed immediately after, his voice thankfully returning to his normal timbre. “But, yeah, sure. I’ll go kick Justin and ChengCheng out of the room. Come find me after you finish.”

 

Zhangjing kissed the other boy’s cheek. “Okay, I promise I’ll be quick.”

 

The Yuehua boy let him down gently, and Zhangjing wobbled a little being back on his feet. He watched appreciatively as Zhengting strode down the hall to his room, the younger boy’s butt moving nicely in his pants.

 

_God, I’m so lucky._

He sighed with happiness.

Zhangjing paused before opening the door. He was expecting to see Yanjun, and an uneasy feeling ran through him. _How should I explain this?_ But he had decided before to tell Yanjun the truth every time, and he wasn’t about to break that part of their friendship. _Okay, I can do this._ His greeting upon entering their room died on his lips. _That’s odd._ Zhangjing couldn’t quite place his finger on it, but their room looked off. The younger boy wasn’t sitting in his usual spot on his bed, and Zhangjing wondered if Yanjun had gone out.

 

But then it hit him.

 

_Oh no._

Gone.

 

All of Yanjun’s stuff.

 

He felt the panic threatening to choke him.

 

And Zhengting came back an hour later, wondering what was taking him so long, only to find him curled up in a ball on Yanjun’s empty bed, sobbing uncontrollably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote)  
> Caard: [loststickienote](https://loststickienote.carrd.co/)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first scene in this chapter is slightly earlier chronologically than the last scene in Chapter 7. Sorry if that is confusing.
> 
> Angst warning? Apologies if this chapter feels rushed. D: I've been shit busy, but I love this fic so much as my first Zhangjun fic, that I'm powering through. 
> 
> Next chapter will be the final chapter though. Nine chapters in total, aka Nine Percent. It feels like the right note to end on. I am also anticipating that this chapter will garner me hate, sooo -hides-
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote) for updates, randomness, etc.
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta-reader, you know who you are. :)

Yanjun shifted the weight of the bag he was carrying to a more comfortable position and knocked on the door. It opened, and NongNong stared at him in surprise. Then he saw everything Yanjun was carrying. “What the actual fuck, Lin Yanjun?” And at that, he saw Xiao Gui peer down from his top bunk curiously.

 

Suddenly, it was all too much to pretend even a second longer.

 

“I-I-I can’t do it anymore.” Yanjun felt upset, his accent coming out thicker as the tears started gathering at the corners of his eyes. NongNong’s face changed into one of pity, and that made the tears start falling. The younger boy enveloped him into a hug, letting him be sad for the first time in weeks. NongNong was patting the top of his head, and the comforting gesture only served to make him cry harder.

 

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” NongNong tried to soothe him. “Of course you can stay here, for as long as you want.” And Yanjun was thankful that he didn’t even need to ask. “As long as you want.”

 

The younger boy helped him carry all his stuff into their room. Earlier, Zhangjing had told him about his and Zhengting’s plans for today, and he had tried to be supportive as always. The last two weeks were more difficult than he thought they’d be, and he finally cracked today. _Zhangjing looks so happy._ And for the first time, Yanjun admitted to himself that maybe things would never be the same between the two of them. Maybe they couldn’t return to what they once were to each other after having tasted more. And the emptiness he felt threatened to overwhelm him, and he needed to run, to hide. Yes, he was good at running away from problems. It had only taken him an hour or so to pack, starting after Zhangjing left for his date. His clothes, the songwriting papers scattered all over the desk, his laptop, the beauty products on the counter in the bathroom.

 

In the end, he had laughed.

 

Everything, his whole life, had fit into one suitcase and a duffel bag.

 

And Yanjun knew it was too much to ask for, but he made his way to NongNong’s room anyway, knowing that his friend wouldn’t turn him away.

 

He thanked NongNong profusely for setting him up in the corner. The younger boy was surprisingly prepared, having an air mattress stored in the closet. It wasn’t as comfortable as his own bed, but Yanjun wasn’t about to complain after both NongNong and Xiao Gui had shown him such hospitality. Yanjun was grateful that the other boy on the top bunk had been kind even that he didn’t know the whole story, and Xiao Gui was too polite to pry into personal issues. He had apologized to Xiao Gui for the inconvenience, but Xiao Gui had just shrugged, saying that they all had to stick together as a group.

 

He was settled on his mattress now after showering, and NongNong came over to sit beside him. NongNong gave him a thoughtful look, even more so emphasized by the black frames he was wearing. “Lin Yanjun, I think you need to just talk to him. You Zhangjing will understand anything you have to say.” The younger boy was wise beyond his years, and sometimes Yanjun wondered how he had grown up so fast.

 

Yanjun shook his head. “But he’s happy with Zhu Zhengting. You know I would never…” His voice trailed off, and the echo of longing lingered in the air.

 

“But those are two separate things. You Zhangjing may be happy with Zhu Zhengting. But he won’t be happy without you.” NongNong threw an arm over his shoulder to pull him closer. “And you most certainly are not happy without You Zhangjing.”

 

And Yanjun knew that.

 

The older boy had been by his side for a while not, a constant. Having Zhangjing next to him was second nature to him now, as natural as breathing. He didn’t need to think about that now though, the memories of their friendship only causing the pain to start back in his chest. “I just need some time away.”

 

NongNong patted his head one last time. “Okay, take your time and get some sleep.”

 

Yanjun tried to sleep, but they didn’t have curtains here to block out the moonlight streaming into the room from outside. Zhangjing liked their room to be so dark for sleeping that they had put up curtains themselves _just in case_ the older boy needed them. He wondered just how much of his life was tied to Zhangjing’s.

 

He finally fell into an uneasy sleep, the whispers of dreams in his ears.

 

* * *

 

Yanjun spotted the older boy immediately when he went down for breakfast the next morning. NongNong was next to him walking into the room, and Zhangjing’s eyes met his gaze the instant they entered. And then he was walking towards the table Zhangjing was at, needing to walk past it to get to the food. But as he got closer, he realized that Zhengting was beside him, with the Yuehua kids at the table too.

 

Zhangjing was staring at him anxiously now, and he could see the brightness in the other boy’s eyes even from afar.

 

His heart beat faster as he approached their table.

 

Closer, closer.

 

And now Zhangjing was less than five strides away, and Yanjun started panicking.

 

_What do I say?_

_What do I do?_

The older boy was wide-eyed, his mouth gaped as if he wanted to say something, and Yanjun noticed with a shock that Zhangjing’s eyes were red-rimmed and swollen as if he had been crying. And his throat tightened up, the panic rising in his chest. _Is that because of me? Why has he been crying? Did Zhu Zhengting hurt him?_ He wanted to comfort the older boy, hold him and wipe away his worries. And Zhangjing looked ready to say something to him now, and Yanjun braced for impact.

 

Two strides away.

 

But he was too close now.

 

Close enough to see the small love bites, dark against the older boy’s pale skin near his neck. And Yanjun wanted desperately to wipe them away, to erase the bitterness he felt. Thoughts of Zhangjing with Zhengting filled his head, and he couldn’t stop imagining. And he wished he wasn’t playing out yesterday in his head, wished he wasn’t seeing Zhengting in the older boy’s bed. But Yanjun kept the thoughts locked in, not letting it show on his face.

 

One stride away.

 

As if he only just realized Yanjun was close, Zhengting turned his head to look at him, staring at him with a kind gaze, an unreadable expression. Yanjun felt that the kindness hurt worse. Kindness because the younger boy knew. _Zhengting knows._ And all he can read in the Yuehua boy’s face was pity now, pity for him because Zhangjing had finally chosen.

 

And his choice wasn’t Yanjun.

 

He can’t keep it in anymore, and he felt the anger and hurt spill out onto his face, into his expression. And he was so close to Zhangjing that he could reach out and touch him, pat his head or flick his forehead like he used to. But he didn’t, his arms like heavy weight at his sides, threatening to pull him down just like his thoughts.

 

Yanjun heard the gasp the instant he passed by the older boy, the beginning of words that wouldn’t come out. And he knew that feeling, the feeling that no words would change the outcome, that it was better to not speak at all. His body tensed up, knowing that Zhangjing wanted to tell him something, had to tell him something. But Yanjun resisted the urge to turn around, resisted from reacting to the hurt he felt coming off the older boy.

 

Instead, he let the silence stretch the distance between them, walking further away.

 

* * *

 

Zhangjing felt terrible.

 

Yanjun had walked past him without saying a word, not offering an explanation for why he left Zhangjing alone in their room. And the younger boy had looked at him, angry. The questions became stuck inside, not willing to escape to find answers. He couldn’t help feeling as if it was all his fault, for every stupid decision he had made from the beginning. Zhangjing felt stupid for thinking he could love his best friend without it ending badly. Stupid for letting his love for the younger boy grow while he encouraged it instead of trying to keep it locked away somewhere safe where it wouldn’t hurt them.

 

_Yanjun hates me._

The realization made him lose his appetite.

 

Zhengting’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “You Zhangjing, are you okay?”

 

And there were three pairs of eyes looking at him concerned, and Zhengting’s face was taut with worry. _Now I’m making Zhu Zhengting worried too._ He shook his head numbly. “I’m fine.” But his voice didn’t sound fine even to himself, and his suspicions are confirmed when the three Yuehua boys shared a look between them.

 

His boyfriend’s voice was calm, firm. “Here, you’ll feel better after you eat something.” And Zhengting handed him a bun, _his favorite_ , but all he did was stare at it in his hands as if he didn’t know what to do with it. The hunger gnawed at his belly though, and he started to eat. The bun didn’t taste as good as usual, and Zhangjing chewed more. Food in his mouth was making his stomach churn, making him nauseated.

 

And he could see Yanjun across the cafeteria, sitting at a table with NongNong and Xiao Gui. Zhangjing kept staring, hoping that if he concentrated on the younger boy long enough that _Yanjun will look at me._ But the other boy refused to look up, and Zhangjing felt the knots in his stomach getting worse and worse. The food wasn’t helping, and he finally stopped. “I’m done.”

 

Zhengting can’t keep the alarm off his face, and it made Zhangjing’s stomach hurt worse. “You Zhangjing, you only ate half of one bun.”

 

“I don’t feel like eating anymore.”

 

_Don’t make me._

The Yuehua boy saw the pleading look on his face and pursed his lips with dissatisfaction. “Fine. But you need to drink some soup later.”

 

Zhangjing gratefully nodded his consent and closed his eyes, leaning against Zhengting’s shoulder, feeling too tired and exhausted to participate in conversation, letting the chattering of the two younger Yuehua boys wash over him.

 

* * *

 

Yanjun let the hot water from the shower wash over him, and he imagined that it was washing away all his worries and relieving all the tension from his body. The loud banging on the bathroom door interrupted his musings. “Lin Yanjun, are you done in there yet?”

 

_No such luck._

He quickly finished off his showering and threw on clothes, opening the door to a slightly peeved NongNong. “Lin Yanjun, you take way too long in the shower.” And Yanjun can’t disagree with him because it’s true. It had just never been much of a problem before because Zhangjing had always accommodated him and let him take as long as he wanted in the bathroom. _Zhangjing._ He felt a pain in his chest, and he tried to shake away the upsetting thoughts.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

NongNong sighed at him in resignation, running his hand through his hair. “It’s okay. I know. Just, can you tell us the next time before you jump in the shower so we know? Xiao Gui and I are going to be late.”

 

He nodded, remorseful.

 

Yanjun wasn’t looking forward to today. It had been a week since he last talked to Zhangjing, and the sharp pain that had happened the first few days had gradually moved to a dull ache that he felt all the time. It hadn’t been difficult to avoid the older boy since they were busy with individual activities right now mostly, and their fanmeets didn’t start back up until next week. Not to mention, Zhangjing had been recording a new song for a drama and had frequently been out of their dorm.

 

But today, he wouldn’t be able to avoid the older boy.

 

They had made plans with Dinghao and Chaoze weeks ago, their two friends missing them desperately while they were promoting with Nine Percent. And Yanjun had almost forgotten completely about it until he received a text from Dinghao in their group chat last night being excited about seeing the two of them. He saw that Zhangjing had read the message, but neither of them said they wanted to cancel the plans, so Yanjun assumed that everything was still on for today.

 

He flagged down a car and gave the address of the shopping area they were planning to meet up in. Yanjun wondered if the older boy was planning on showing up today. It was possible that he had messaged Dinghao and Chaoze privately to tell them he wasn’t coming. He ached at the thought of seeing the older boy. Though it had only been a week, Yanjun felt as if he hadn’t seen Zhangjing in months. He had been too afraid to search out the other boy with his eyes when they had group activities. Afraid that he would look up and see Zhangjing with the Yuehua boy, happy and free of him, free from Yanjun’s difficult personality and picky habits.

 

And he knew he was being too hard on himself, but he couldn’t stop it.

 

He saw Chaoze and Dinghao through the window as his car pulled up to the curb. Dinghao was waving enthusiastically, excited. As he got out of the car, he realized that Zhangjing was stepping out of a car that had pulled up behind his. And he was getting closer to their friends now, and so was Zhangjing. Dinghao’s face was expressing the epitome of confusion, but Chaoze was much quicker. “Lu Dinghao, how about we split up for a bit? You should go with Lin Yanjun, and I’ll go shopping with You Zhangjing. We can meet up later.”

 

Yanjun saw Dinghao open his mouth to protest, but Chaoze had already whisked Zhangjing away.

 

The other boy looked at him with confusion. “Why did you and You Zhangjing come in separate cars?”

 

He felt the headache coming on.

 

_Today is going to be a long day._

* * *

 

Chaoze waited until they were out of ear-shot before speaking. “You Zhangjing, what’s wrong? Did something happen? You look like you’ve lost weight and haven’t slept in days.” And Zhangjing spilled out everything, the look of concern on his friend’s face making all his feelings come to the forefront. It took a long time to tell Chaoze everything that had happened, from him stupidly letting Yanjun kiss him during Truth or Dare to becoming friends-with-benefits and the mess after he became involved with Zhengting.

 

And the other boy’s eyes were getting wider and wider behind his glasses, the circles framing the disbelief in his gaze. When he finally finished explaining his whole saga with Yanjun, Chaoze looked at him quietly, still trying to process and take it all in. The other boy eventually spoke. “Do you love him?”

 

“Zhu Zhengting?”

 

“No, Lin Yanjun.”

 

_Yes._

“No.”

 

Chaoze looked at him skeptically. “Don’t lie to me, You Zhangjing. You might be able to fool Lu Dinghao into believing that bullshit but not me.” The other boy looked at him accusingly. “I’ve seen the way you look at him, and you’ve been in love with him for ages. I’m just disappointed that you never chose to tell me.”

 

The other boy’s expression turned into one of understanding, and he watched as Chaoze bit his lip in concern. “Just tell me next time, okay? Don’t wait until it’s too much.”

 

And Zhangjing was grateful for his friend, and he squeezed Chaoze’s hand hoping that the action would convey even a fraction of his feelings.

 

* * *

 

“Is You Zhangjing mad at me?” Dinghao was looking at him uneasily. “Is that why Lin Chaoze took him away so quickly?” The other boy hasn’t stopped asking him questions, but Yanjun chose not to respond to the prying, continuing to stride ahead towards the store they were looking for.

 

But this question made him pause.

 

“Why in the world would You Zhangjing be upset at you?”

 

And Yanjun softened upon looking at the other boy. Dinghao seemed legitimately upset, and he realized that maybe he should have responded to the barrage of questions. His lack of engagement was making the other boy more restless, and Yanjun had to remind himself that not everyone could accept his brusque way of handling problems, not like Zhangjing could.

 

“Because I kissed you.” Dinghao looked stricken with guilt, his expression horrified. “It was just a joke, and I didn’t even think it was a big deal until I told Lin Chaoze later, and he yelled at me. I thought you were just freaking out at me that day because you didn’t like to be touched.”

 

The other boy looked truly remorseful. “Lin Chaoze told me that I was being stupid and not to get between you two.”

 

_Shit._

Yanjun remembered now, how Zhangjing’s face had been so hurt and how he had spent forever searching the building for the older boy.

 

A lump formed in his throat.

 

But he spent time convincing Dinghao that it wasn’t his fault, that no, _of course You Zhangjing doesn’t hate you_ , placating the other boy until he believed it. “Okay, then why did you two come in separate cars today then? Weren’t you coming from the same place?”

 

Yanjun didn’t know how to answer.

 

Finally, he settled on something.

 

“I like You Zhangjing, as more than a friend. We fought because he started dating Zhu Zhengting.”

 

Dinghao tilted his head and looked at him incredulously, and his statement came out so straightforward that Yanjun almost laughed out loud. “Just make up and win him back.”

 

Yanjun wished it were that simple.

 

* * *

 

Xukun was furious.

 

Yanjun saw the red rising in their leader’s cheeks, and he realized with a shock that he had never seen the younger boy get angry before. Ziyi was standing next to Xukun, a tightness in his jaw, with a hand on their leader’s shoulder, trying to calm him down.

 

“What the fuck was that Lin Yanjun?”

 

Everyone turned to stare at him, and he felt himself getting defensive and worked up. “What do you mean? I didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

And he didn’t think it was possible, but the younger boy got even angrier. “What I _mean_ is what the fuck were you doing? We were all assigned partners for the game, and you were supposed to be with You Zhangjing.” Xukun glared at him. “But then you stopped everything so you could switch partners. I don’t even care that you managed to play it off as a joke. It was beyond unprofessional, especially since our host wasn’t expecting it. You can’t just do whatever you please all the time. We are supposed to be a goddamn united group.”

 

Yanjun winced as the other boy’s voice gets louder and higher the longer he spoke.

 

“I couldn’t be partners with You Zhangjing.” He insisted sullenly.

 

Ziyi was practically holding Xukun back now. “Couldn’t? You can, and you will. We’ve all been trying to be understanding of this whole fucking situation that is happening, but all of us should not have to walk around on eggshells around the two of you, _especially not during public appearances._ Whatever it is, I don’t want to take sides, but you two need to figure it out, and I don’t care how you do it.”

 

He saw Zhangjing standing a bit further away, positioned slightly behind Zhengting.

 

Bitterness welled up in him.

 

_This is all Zhu Zhengting’s fault._

Xukun was still seething. “And you,” he turned to face Zhengting. “ _You should know better than this._ ”

 

Upon seeing Xukun turn his wrath towards their own, both Justin and ChengCheng moved closer to flank Zhengting on either side, tensed and waiting as if they were guard dogs.

 

“I am sick of this absolute bullshit, and you all better solve it. I don’t want any more of this on stage.”

 

Xukun turned and stormed off with Ziyi trailing behind.

 

Yanjun was angry too now, wanting someone to yell at to get out all his frustration. And he almost snapped when he felt the tap on his shoulder. “What the fuck do you want?”

 

NongNong shook his head, not rising to the bait. “It’s time to go home now.”

 

He didn’t notice the longing look that Zhangjing sent his way as he left.

 

* * *

 

Yanjun was swaying to the music, already slightly tipsy.

 

The stress was too much the past few weeks, and he had gone back to old habits. _Too bad I can’t bring anyone back now._ He closed his eyes, remembering how Zhangjing had pretended to be asleep whenever he brought someone home. He always wondered if the older boy had been upset by it, but he never asked. Yanjun had hit the point of _just enough_ , and he was feeling good now.

 

He caught the eye of a boy across the dance floor, a few meters away. And he was floored by the other boy’s features. _He looks like Zhangjing._ The same pretty and big doe-like eyes. Yanjun was across the floor in seconds, and he introduced himself quickly, a smirk on his face. And the boy was looking up at him in awe, surprised that someone as hot as Yanjun would be talking to him. It didn’t take long before he had his tongue in the other boy’s mouth, kissing him hungrily, trying to wipe away thoughts of Zhangjing. And the other boy was moaning back, and Yanjun suggested they leave to do something more fun.

 

They went back to the other boy’s place, and Yanjun gave in. _Fuck._ It was easier pretending that it was Zhangjing who was underneath him, moaning and begging him to continue. Easy to imagine Zhangjing’s face in his head, looking up him earnestly, eyes bright with pleasure. And he was rough today though the other boy didn’t seem to mind if his gasps were any indication. Yanjun pretended it was older boy he was with when he finally came because pretending was far easier than forgetting.

 

And now the boy was asking him to stay, but the excuses and lies tumble out of his mouth, charming, while he threw his clothes back on, halfway out the door already.

 

It wasn’t until he was walking up to NongNong’s room that he realized he didn’t even know the boy’s name.

 

He tried to open the door quietly and winced when it let out a loud creak.

 

And he was about to close the door behind him, but the light from the hallway was strong, and too late Yanjun realized in his drunkenness that his feet had taken him back to his own room, not NongNong’s.

 

Yanjun saw the silhouette of the smaller boy who sat up in the top bunk as soon as the door opened.

 

“Yanjun?”

 

_Shit._

* * *

 

Zhangjing shot up when the door opened, having been wavering in the area between sleep and being awake. He thought it would be Zhengting at the door. The Yuehua boy had taken up the habit of coming to his room later at night and comforting him in addition to bringing him food. Zhangjing hadn’t felt like eating for weeks, but Zhengting insisted that he should at least have liquids if the solid food made him nauseated. So the other boy had been bringing him soup late at night, taking note of the days he spent dinnertime only pushing the food around on his place.

 

He felt ashamed the first night when the other boy had walked in and seen him crying silently in his bed. But Zhengting understood and pat his back until he fell asleep, his body exhausted from the effort of producing tears.

 

He can’t remember the last time he went to sleep without crying.

 

Zhangjing supposed it was a time in which Yanjun still talked to him.

 

But the figure being framed by the doorway wasn’t Zhengting, and he felt his throat tighten.

 

“Yanjun?”

 

His body moved without him thinking, and he was climbing down the ladder to the floor to meet the younger boy. “Are you okay? Is something wrong?”

 

Zhangjing’s first thought was to be scared, scared that something bad happened to make Yanjun come see him after ignoring him for the past few weeks. He got closer, and Zhangjing realized what it was. The wrinkled clothes, the buttons that weren’t lined up correctly on the younger boy’s top, and the button on his pants wasn’t even done. And Zhangjing could smell the cheap booze coming off the other boy.

 

His heart sank.

 

Yanjun looked at him, hurt. “Why did you have to choose Zhu Zhengting?”

 

The words were meant to hurt him, and they did. But before he could say anything, the younger boy had already turned and walked out the door, leaving behind only the smell of sex and alcohol.

 

Zhangjing felt like he couldn’t breathe, and he sank down to the floor, sitting with his knees up tight against his chest, feeling the tears starting again.

 

_I thought I was choosing you._

* * *

 

Yanjun heard a knock at NongNong’s door. “Come in!”

 

Zhengting walked into the room, and he stood up from the bed in surprise.

 

“Can we talk?”

 

_No._

“Fine.” Yanjun crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the younger boy. “What do you want?”

 

The Yuehua boy gave him a cursory glance, taking note of his aggressive stance, and rolled his eyes. “Calm down. I’m here to make peace.” He paused and stared directly at Yanjun, his voice firm. “You need to make up with You Zhangjing.”

 

Yanjun felt the resentment rise up in his throat and the words spilled out before he could stop them. “Why should I? You’re the one that’s dating him now.” His words sounded sharp and overly bitter even to his own ears. “You’re the one that’s responsible for him. It’s none of my business.” A sharp pang of hurt ran through him.

 

Zhengting’s face became stormy, his eyebrows knit together in anger, and Yanjun could see the color rising in his cheeks. “Lin Yanjun, you’ve gone too far this time.” Each word was punctuated by the younger boy jabbing his finger in the air at him, as if to make a point. “You Zhangjing doesn’t deserve any of this, and you need to fix it.”

 

He felt the bitterness come to the forefront again. “There’s nothing wrong with You Zhangjing. He was all smiles and happy at our fanmeet this afternoon even.” _He’s happy with you._ And Yanjun couldn’t stop the jealousy that consumed him, jealousy that Zhangjing had chosen Zhengting over him.

 

Yanjun had never seen the Yuehua boy look so angry before. “You should know better than anyone that he will _always_ put on a brave face for his fans. But when we get back to the dorms, and you slink off here to NongNong’s room instead of going to your room with him, he is miserable.” Zhengting narrowed his eyes in anger, his fists clenched tightly at his side. “You Zhangjing is _fucking miserable._ He’s started skipping meals, and he cries at night until he falls asleep. Last night, he cried so hard, he vomited.”

 

Yanjun felt his chest tighten up painfully.

 

The image in his head of Zhangjing crying made him feel nauseated.

 

And now the Yuehua boy was too close to him, backing him up into the wall.

 

Zhengting jabbed him in the chest with his index finger, his words like little cuts meant to injure him.

 

“And it is. All. Your. Fault.”

 

The younger boy hissed the last words angrily in his face, his teeth clenched tightly, eyes wide with anger. “Lin Yanjun, it is all your fault.”

 

He only knew how to answer with protests. “It’s not my fault. He’s the one that chose you. He’s the one that decided to leave me first.” And Yanjun knew they were ugly words, knew they weren’t right, but he couldn’t stop the jealousy, the hurt that was coming out. Pain that had been trapped in him for the past few weeks with nowhere to go. It all came spilling out of him in a torrent that he couldn’t control.

 

“He wanted you over me.”

 

Zhengting’s face settled into one of disgust. “Lin Yanjun, you’re such a prick. He didn’t pick me over you. You Zhangjing just loves you too much, and you’re a fool if you can’t see it.” His voice became bitter. “You don’t know how much I wish that he wants me more, but it’s becoming apparent that nothing I do will be able to compete with whatever hold it is that you have over him. And I’m not a self-centered asshole so I’d rather he be happy with you.”

 

Yanjun shook his head. “No, he already picked you.”

 

And Zhengting’s anger came back full force. “Only because you trapped him in an impossible situation.”

 

The younger boy’s voice was taunting, sharp at the edges. “What was he supposed to do? Stay and be a play-thing to you forever? Have his heart broken one day in the future when he sees you move on to a real relationship with someone else? You didn’t say you wanted to be in a relationship with him, but you were too damn selfish to let him go, to let him find happiness with someone else. So you kept him close and broke his heart. You’re such a _goddamn_ _prick_.”

 

Yanjun felt the pain intensify in his chest, and the nausea was getting worse. _That’s not what happened, not what I meant to do._ He felt like he couldn’t breathe. _I was only trying to keep our friendship safe, keep us happy. Together._

The Yuehua boy’s tone was resentful. “He only chose me because he loves you too much.” Zhengting stared at him accusatorily, his voice getting louder and angrier. “He was too scared to choose you, too scared that he would end up losing you. So he chose me because he thought that was the only way to keep you too.”

 

Zhengting’s voice was almost yelling now. “And then he lost you anyway.”

 

Yanjun opened his mouth to respond.

 

“No. I talk, you listen.” Zhengting was breathing heavily now but had settled into a quieter, firm tone. “What you’re doing now? This stupid game of yours of ignoring him, refusing to be around him, hooking up with random people and flaunting it in front of him? Lin Yanjun, you are making You Zhangjing’s worst fears come true. You are hurting him, and not because he did anything wrong, but because of your own goddamn insecurity.”

 

“When are you going to stop punishing him for you being a coward?”

 

“It’s not my fault.”

 

And Yanjun felt the sharp pain run up his face, shooting straight to his head, making his eyes well up with tears. Zhengting’s punch had connected directly with his jaw, and Yanjun felt the blood in his mouth. _Shit._ He opened his eyes in pain, the image of the younger boy foggy in his vision, bright lights dotting across his view. He could feel the anger still flowing off Zhengting in almost palpable waves.

 

He felt himself sliding down the wall, grateful for the moment his butt met the floor.

 

Zhengting’s last words echoed in his head long after he left.

 

“Grow the fuck up, Lin Yanjun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!
> 
> Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote)  
> Caard: [loststickienote](https://loststickienote.carrd.co/)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning. #AO3needsmoreZhangjunsmut
> 
> The final chapter. T.T I'm kinda super emotional right now because this is the first long fanfic I've ever finished (I've mostly given up on my long fics previously). And you know what? It was difficult with my schedule, but oh so satisfying as a writer. Extra hugs to everyone who's been reading/following this fic. Also, SO MANY WORDS. I'm glad to have written something this long and stuck with it. Sorry for any mistakes and so forth.
> 
> I have another long Zhangjun fic that's in the works, but I probably won't be able to post it for a while due to my busy schedule. BUT I will be trying to do a d-7 countdown fic release for Zhangjing's birthday. :)
> 
> Another short plug for the Nine of Cups fic fest going on. To read more about it, here is the event twitter: [Nine of Cups Fic Fest!](https://twitter.com/nineofcupsnpc)
> 
> They are still taking prompts until September 3rd. :) I'm going to try and choose a few to do, and if I choose yours, please let me know on Twitter or something so I can thank you properly unless you want to stay anon.
> 
> Thank you to my lovely beta reader, who I legit run everything by and couldn't live without. <3
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: [@loststickienote](https://twitter.com/loststickienote) for updates, randomness, etc. or to scream about Zhangjun, my DMs are always open.
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are always appreciated!

Yanjun tensed as he walked into the cafeteria for breakfast with everyone turning around to look at him. _News sure does travel fast._ NongNong had found him yesterday, still sitting on the ground with an ice pack held up his bruised lip. He had managed to get the bleeding to stop, but he could tell it was going to be a mix of terrible colors the next morning. NongNong had needled him, eventually prying the full story from him, listening to him patiently as he ranted about Zhengting being unfair.

 

The younger boy had sighed at him, exasperated. “I also think this has gone on for long enough, though I’m not going to punch you in the face for being stupid.”

 

And Yanjun was ready to argue, ready to get angry at NongNong too, but he quickly felt all the fight sucked out of him at the other boy’s next words. “Zhu Zhengting says You Zhangjing misses you. Don’t you miss You Zhangjing too? Don’t you want him back?”

 

He did.

 

Yanjun wanted Zhangjing back so much it hurt, took his breath away, and he didn’t realize quite how much until Zhengting had brought it up. Each time he found a funny video on his phone, he had automatically turned to tell Zhangjing before remembering the other boy was no longer by his side. His fingers kept reaching out desperately during their fanmeets for the older boy, only to grab at air. He missed the way Zhangjing blinked at him with sleepy eyes in the morning.

 

He missed it all.

 

And Yanjun wanted it all back.

 

Desperately.

 

NongNong had looked at him with understanding eyes. “Let go of your pride and go apologize. Then maybe we can all move past this.”

 

_His pride._

It still stung him, needled him in the side as he saw Zhangjing still sitting next to Zhengting, still at the Yuehua table. And he knew he was being unreasonable, for where else would the older boy sit once Yanjun had already shunned him? He grabbed his food silently, ducking his head down so that his groupmates won’t see the ugly bruise at the corner of his mouth. But if he wanted to be honest with himself, he just didn’t want to see the shocked expression on Zhangjing’s face.

 

So he looked down and tried to shut out the world.

 

But suddenly, there were warm hands cradling his face, tilting it upwards, so that he was staring into Zhangjing’s concerned eyes. And Yanjun felt regret for making the older boy worry. “Does it hurt?”

 

The older boy pressed his fingers lightly against his bruise, and Yanjun hissed in surprise more so than pain. But Zhangjing’s face tensed up nevertheless, and he felt his pining for the older boy more than ever. “Zhu Zhengting told me that he punched you yesterday, but he didn’t explain why.” And Zhangjing was searching his face for answers now, but Yanjun didn’t know how to respond.

 

So he just nodded. “I may have deserved it.”

 

He was rewarded with Zhangjing’s smile, a small one, not quite as big as he would have liked. “You always do, Yanjun.”

 

The tender way in which the older boy whispered his name, low and soft, made Yanjun want to cry. And any anger or pain that was still left behind in his body drained out of him instantly. For the moment, he felt like he had his best friend back again, the older boy still examining his face to make sure it’s okay, fretting over him being stupid for _not putting on some medicine_. And he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when Zhangjing winked at him, his teasing voice coming out. “How could you be so dumb to do this to your face? Aren’t you afraid all your fans are going to leave you after ruining your biggest asset?”

 

The tears were welling up now, and horrified, he felt one slip out, sliding down his cheek dramatically.

 

And Zhangjing misinterpreted the tears, his brows knit together with concern. “Oh no, Yanjun. You know I didn’t mean that.” The older boy’s voice is thick with apologies. “Of course your fans love you for more than your face. You’re so talented. Your singing has been getting so much better. You’re funny and kind and caring….”

 

Zhangjing was just mumbling compliments into his ears now, his head burrowed underneath the older boy’s chin, with Zhangjing pulling his face into his chest so that his tears were somewhat hidden from everyone else.

 

It was all too much, and it made Yanjun cry even harder.

 

He was crying because even after everything Zhangjing still cared about him.

 

Still came over as soon as he saw Yanjun hurt.

 

And Yanjun felt like he was being forgiven.

 

* * *

 

Zhengting had walked into his room yesterday, a stormy expression on his face. His declaration rang out in the tiny room. “I punched Lin Yanjun in the face. You should go comfort him.” The Yuehua boy paused his speech. “But maybe tomorrow. He’s probably feeling too crappy right now.”

 

Zhangjing was halfway into the hallway when Zhengting caught his arm. “Don’t go now. He might not want to see you just yet. You should wait for him to cool down.”

 

And it all sounded so reasonable and logical that he forced himself to go back into his room, to sit on the edge of Yanjun’s bottom bed.

 

But he can’t stop the feeling of wanting to run, run straight to Yanjun’s side.

 

He felt antsy, and he can’t sit still with the nervous energy running through his body. Zhengting watched him carefully as he stood up and started pacing the room in circles. “Is he really hurt? Does he need to go to the hospital? Do we need to help him move around and get into the bed? Should we bring him food?”

 

Zhengting laughed at him, amused. “You Zhangjing, I punched him in the face. I didn’t break him or anything. He will be fine. NongNong will take care of him until tomorrow when you talk to him. I just didn’t want you to go over there now because our conversation was a bit heated.”

 

“What did you argue about?” Zhangjing probed the younger boy. “Was it about me?”

 

And the Yuehua boy said no, but he could tell Zhengting was lying, his eyes shifting away to not quite willing to meet Zhangjing’s. _Okay, so was it good or bad. Did Zhu Zhengting confronting him make him angrier at me? But he’s the one that’s been avoiding me though._ The thoughts swirled in his head, and he felt like the other boy could hear the cogs turning in his head. He really hoped that Zhengting hadn’t made Yanjun angrier with him. The instant he had the thought though, Zhangjing felt guilty. _Zhu Zhengting._ He was so busy worrying about Yanjun’s feelings that he had almost forgotten about the boy standing next to him.

 

The guilt must have been apparent on his face because Zhengting was looking at him with a sad smile. “You Zhangjing, you don’t have to say anything. I understand, really.”

 

He stepped forward to embrace Zhengting, and somehow Zhangjing felt like it was the other boy reassuring him though it should have been the other way around. The younger boy leaned into him, his weight pressing down on Zhangjing’s shoulders. The Yuehua boy felt heavy, and his voice was choked up with emotion as he stroked the top of Zhangjing’s head. “It’s okay. We really tried our best.”

 

It seemed like they stood in the middle of his room forever, but finally, Zhengting straightened up with a small sigh. Afterwards, they stayed next to each other on Zhangjing’s bed, neither saying a word. And he could only make out Zhengting’s eyes in the dark, reflective and bright with emotion. Zhangjing whispered to the other boy to close his eyes, to sleep. And after a long time stroking the other boy’s cheek, he finally heard Zhengting’s breathing change.

 

_I hope you have sweet dreams always, Zhu Zhengting._

* * *

 

Zhangjing was still nervous. He kept glancing at the door, half expecting Yanjun to walk in each time he looked over, but the younger boy still hadn’t come yet. _9:30._ Everyone else had already gathered in the cafeteria, even NongNong and Xiao Gui. _Where is he?_ And he felt his chest tighten somewhat. _What if he’s so hurt that he can’t come down?_ He had to remind his feet not to move, and Zhangjing put his hands under his butt, not knowing how else to stop the shaking. He turned and half-smiled at Zhengting when he felt the hand on his back, steadying him.

 

He was too anxious.

 

Anxious to see Yanjun.

 

_9:45._

He felt his heart jump into his throat when Yanjun walked in, and a hush fell over the room as everyone turned to look. It was worse than he imagined. The bruise was at the left corner of his mouth, big enough to see from afar, a mess of dark blu-ish black. And Zhangjing could tell that the younger boy’s bottom lip was swollen too, but this time not from hard kisses. Yanjun caught his eye, and he can see the other boy’s lips tilt down ever so slightly, ashamed. And now the younger boy was looking down, avoiding everyone’s gaze.

 

No one dared say anything.

 

The silence was stretching longer and longer now.

 

He couldn’t stop himself anymore, his body flying up out of his seat to go to Yanjun, his Yanjun who sat in the corner by himself, isolating himself. And he’s tilting the younger boy’s head up to get a closer look, tracing the bruised skin on Yanjun’s face. A lump formed in his throat. “Does it hurt?”

 

He pressed down lightly on the bruise and almost flinched when the younger boy hissed in pain. _Oh no._ And the next few minutes passed in a blur. When Yanjun started to cry, he felt himself crumble on the inside. Zhangjing wanted the younger boy to let it all out, and he wished he could somehow rid Yanjun of all his negative feelings. So he stayed and held the younger boy to his chest, fiercely consoling him with compliments and other sweet words.

 

And he wondered if he could ever stop loving Yanjun.

 

* * *

 

“Sooo, why exactly aren’t you two dating already?” NongNong’s voice cut through his concentration, interrupting his reading. Yanjun looked up in irritation. “And why are you still in my room?”

 

The younger boy was staring at him intensely from his bed, looking at Yanjun sitting in the corner. And as if smelling the signs of a fight coming on, Yanjun saw Xiao Gui turn his head in interest, pretending as if he wasn’t trying to pay attention to their conversation. “Why would we start dating?”

 

NongNong looked at him as if he were stupid. “Because you seemed like you made up with You Zhangjing yesterday, so I assumed that meant you were going to finally confess.” _That’s semi-true, I guess._ After his embarrassingly public breakdown in the cafeteria yesterday morning, the rest of the day had gone a lot smoother than the past couple of weeks. By no means was Zhangjing eager to start talking to him, but neither were they ignoring each other anymore. A cautious hello, small smiles. But the older boy was still standing next to Zhengting during all their activities, and Yanjun didn’t think he had the courage to question it just yet.

 

“We only just got back onto cordial greetings. I don’t think now is the best time to be confessing anything.” Yanjun huffed. “You’re being completely ridiculous.”

 

Xiao Gui’s voice floated down from his bed. “There’s never a good time to confess. Might as well be now.”

 

Yanjun shot the rapper a glare. “That is terrible advice.”

 

NongNong sighed dramatically. “Okay, don’t blame us. We’re just trying to help you to help yourself.” He paused. “And besides, I’m sick of you coming back late at night after sex.”

 

Xiao Gui pitched in too. “And using the shower for two hours straight.”

 

“And having to wake you up in the morning when you’re grumpy.”

 

“And…”

 

“That’s enough!”

 

Yanjun’s face burned with embarrassment as his two friends laughed.

 

* * *

 

“It’s already been a week, let’s just get it over with…”

 

“But what about you…”

 

“That doesn’t matter, you know that…”

 

“I don’t know, might not be a good idea…”

 

Zhangjing heard the whispers of their conversation, his two friends muttering in low tones as he approached. Both of them snapped their heads up to look at him guiltily when he waved hello. Zhengting was actively trying to avoid his eyes, and NongNong broke out into a wide smile, too wide that it was bordering on slightly creepy.

 

“Is something wrong?” He asked nervously. The whole situation felt awkward and misplaced as if he had stepped into something that he wasn’t supposed to. And then the realization hit him, why Zhengting and NongNong would be gathered together and look at him strangely. “Did something happen to Lin Yanjun?” And his body was tense, ready to leave and find the younger boy already.

 

Zhengting shook his head, and Zhangjing relaxed. _That’s good._ He had settled into a comfortable but distant back-and-forth with Yanjun. It still felt as if they had to tiptoe around each other, trying not to step too hard and break fragile friendship that they had gained back. But even the simple hello in the morning made Zhangjing feel light, lighter than he has been in weeks. Immediately after the whole mess of a scene in the cafeteria, Zhangjing had run off to phone Chaoze, needing someone to hear, needing someone to _understand_ his good news.

 

His friend had been ecstatic and joked that it was good since the Banana boys weren’t going to break apart for Yanjun and him having a spat. “We would have locked you two in a room until you made up anyway once you got back.”

 

And Zhangjing knew that Chaoze was being all too serious. The other boy had excitedly asked him whether they were going to date, and Zhangjing had to spend another hour or so to ward off his friend’s prying questions and over-the-top encouragements. “Goddamn, just go up to him and kiss him. Get it over with, and if he rejects you then I’ll beat his ass.”

 

He had laughed wildly then, but the thought nagged at him.

 

_What if I confess?_

_Would Yanjun even want to be my boyfriend?_

And he yearned to find out the answer, only held back by the reminder that their previous encounter as friends-with-benefits had gone to shit. Zhangjing didn’t know if he could handle it again.

 

_No, I wouldn’t want to lose Yanjun a second time._

 

* * *

 

Yanjun tugged at the collar of his shirt nervously.

 

NongNong had finally gotten fed up the other day after he came back the other night at 3 in the morning, finishing a long night of partying to take the edge off his stress. The younger boy had woken up after he completely forgot that it was NongNong’s room and attempted to flop down on the bottom bunk thinking it was his bed. Yanjun had landed right on top of the younger boy, waking him up abruptly. The loud swearing had woken up Xiao Gui too, and in the end, the room was left with two pissed off boys glaring at Yanjun.

 

“No more partying, Lin Yanjun. No more late nights. No more sex with random strangers. If you want to get laid, I’ll set you up on a blind date. But this has got to stop.” NongNong had declared.

 

As promised, a few days later, a disgruntled NongNong had shoved a slip of paper into his hands, an address and time scrawled messily in blue ink. “Go on a date and get fucking laid so we can all live in peace.”

 

Yanjun was anxious.

 

It was his first time going on a date since Zhangjing, and he didn’t know what to expect, how to act. Feeling slightly foolish, he had sought out Ziyi for fashion advice, and Xukun had opened the door. Embarrassment had washed over him immediately upon seeing their leader’s face. And a babble of apologies had spilled out while Xukun stood there with an impassive expression on his face. _It was time to mend bridges instead of burning them._ The younger boy had accepted his apology and had pulled him into a slightly awkward hug.

 

Yanjun had felt grateful for Xukun’s understanding.

 

The two of them had dressed him, wishing him luck on his date. Yanjun was glad that they didn’t press the subject of Zhangjing, making mindless small talk to him instead to keep his thoughts occupied.

 

On a whim, he had picked up flowers too, passing by the shop where he had bought roses for Zhangjing on that first date. The florist had recognized him and asked whether he wanted the same bouquet of roses he had gotten last time. But Yanjun already spotted some other flowers, a bright yellow, sunny and happy. The florist had wrapped up the peonies for him, and Yanjun felt his chest tighten as the florist handed him the flowers.

 

The roses that he had bought for Zhangjing had withered after a few days, and Yanjun had asked the older boy whether he wanted more flowers. Zhangjing had shaken his head, saying that Yanjun should just get flowers for him on their next date. The older boy had smiled at him, and when Yanjun had asked what type he’d like, Zhangjing had winked at him. _Surprise me._ The memory made his heart ache with the effort of missing the older boy.

 

And he was standing in front of the restaurant now, pushing open the front door. The hostess greeted him, and he gave his name, stating that he was waiting for another boy to arrive. “Oh, your date has already arrived. Let me show you to your table.”

 

Yanjun followed the woman, weaving between the tables and making their way to the back of the restaurant, all the way to a connecting hallway that opened up into a second dining area. “Sorry, we have a big wedding reception that reserved that front, so I hope you don’t mind that we seated you in the private section instead.” The lady gave him an apologetic look.

 

And he saw his date, a few tables away.

 

_NongNong, you little shit._

* * *

 

_Zhu Zhengting is never late._

Zhangjing frowned down at his phone, his text to the other boy still unanswered staring up at him.

 

When he looked up, he froze.

 

_Yanjun._

He can’t breathe. It had been a long time since he was so close to the younger boy, and now Yanjun was standing at his table, standing awkwardly with one hand on the seat, unsure of whether he should sit down. And Zhangjing was painfully aware of how beautiful Yanjun was, his collar ruffled as if he had been picking at it, his hair messily falling into his eyes. He hoped the younger boy couldn’t hear his heart beating out of his chest, and all he can feel is the blood rushing too quickly to his head.

 

“Hi.”

 

He barely squeaked out a greeting, but Yanjun immediately broke out into a smile of amusement. Zhangjing didn’t realize how much he missed seeing Yanjun’s dimples. The whole situation was overwhelming, and he could feel himself getting dizzy. His stomach was doing flips and churning like it didn’t know whether to vomit. _I wonder if this is what a panic attack feels like._

And all of a sudden, his whole world fell into place.

 

His cheek pressed up against Yanjun’s chest, the younger boy sitting next to him in the booth. Strong arms engulfed him, and Zhangjing felt the other boy stroking his head, fingers running through his hair. Yanjun’s voice was thick with concern, and the younger boy began murmuring ‘it’s okay’ over and over again into his ear. “I’m here now.” And he can’t mistake the thread of longing woven into the younger boy’s voice.

 

Zhangjing let himself breathe, syncing his breath to the rise and fall of Yanjun’s chest.

 

* * *

 

Yanjun felt a pang of guilt run through him.

 

The older boy felt small in his arms, smaller than usual. And he remembered Zhengting’s words, his warning that Zhangjing had started eating less and less after Yanjun had left him. And the regret settled deep in his bones spilled out of him. The waistband of the older boy’s jeans was looser than normal, and Yanjun rubbed his fingers over Zhangjing’s hip bones, a little too prominent for his liking.

 

Eventually, the older boy started breathing normally again, and he kissed the top of Zhangjing’s head. “Let’s get you something to eat.” Yanjun made a motion to get up and return to the seat across the table from the older boy, but Zhangjing tugged on his sleeve, looking up at him with expectant eyes.

 

“Stay next to me.”

 

Yanjun sat back down, feeling the older boy automatically lean into his side. And he wrapped his arm around Zhangjing to pull him close. “Why are you here at the restaurant?”

 

The voice floated up to him. “Zhu Zhengting said we were meeting for dinner. Why are you here?”

 

He sighed in exasperation. “NongNong told me I was going on a blind date.”

 

Zhangjing broke out from underneath his arm to stare at him wide-eyed. “He _didn’t._ ”

 

Yanjun set his lips in a grim line. “Oh yes he did.”

 

The older boy laughed, throwing his head back with his mouth open, and Yanjun swore it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. “That little shit.”

 

“As you can imagine, I was pretty shocked to see you here.”

 

_His bunny teeth._

Yanjun missed Zhangjing’s smile.

 

“Well, are you disappointed to see me?” The older boy tilted his head questioningly.

 

He could feel his heart speeding up, and Yanjun tenderly cradled the older boy’s cheek in his hand, his thumb stroking along Zhangjing’s jawline. And his voice felt tight, choked up with emotion when he fiercely responded. “Never.” The older boy’s eyes fluttered closed, and Zhangjing leaned his cheek into Yanjun’s hand, his lips slightly parted.

 

And Yanjun’s control broke.

 

His voice felt hoarse, tired of waiting, and he moved his other hand up so that he was cradling Zhangjing’s face gently in his hands. “Zhangjing, open your eyes.”

 

Zhangjing’s eyes flew open immediately, bright and curious. And Yanjun was reminded of every time the older boy woke up next to him, his eyes framed by thick lashes heavy from sleep. His heart was beating so fast now, he wondered if he was having palpitations. Zhangjing smiled at him again, and Yanjun couldn’t help but remember the first smile Zhangjing ever gave him when he walked through the doors of Banana Entertainment. And the longing he felt washed over him, almost painful in its sharpness. “I’m only going to say this once.”

 

Yanjun took a deep breath.

 

“Zhangjing, I love you.”

 

* * *

 

He didn’t even think.

 

Zhangjing was kissing Yanjun now, kissing him deeply, hungrily. He needed the younger boy, needed to take in everything about Yanjun. And he felt the younger boy’s hands on the back of his neck, digging into his hair. His tongue was in Yanjun’s mouth, and Zhangjing realized just how much he missed tracing the younger boy’s curves with his tongue.

 

When he tugged lightly on Yanjun’s hair, the younger boy let out a small moan into his mouth, making the arousal curl up in his body, brushing over every inch of his skin. Zhangjing tried to move closer to the younger boy, and all of a sudden, they were falling onto the booth seat, disappearing under the sightline of the table. And he was on top of Yanjun now, pressed up tightly against the younger boy. And he was still kissing Yanjun as if he couldn’t get enough, and his mind almost went blank when Yanjun lifted up his hips, thrusting hard up against his crotch.

 

_Oh god._

The action made the arousal pool in his lower body. But before he could tell Yanjun to _goddamn fuck me already_ , a discreet cough interrupted. “Are you guys ready to order?”

 

* * *

 

Yanjun couldn’t stop laughing.

 

At hearing the waiter’s voice, the older boy had shot up immediately in his seat and gone bright red. And Zhangjing’s voice wavered as he told their waiter meekly that they _might need a few more minutes to decide._ And now the older boy was sitting contritely in his seat, looking utterly embarrassed, too embarrassed to even look up at Yanjun.

 

“It’s not a big deal, Zhangjing.” He teased the older boy.

 

Zhangjing sputtered. “We got caught practically tearing each other’s clothes off, about to have sex.”

 

“Were we about to have sex?” He lowered his tone into a sexy whisper, teasing Zhangjing. He decided he enjoyed making the older boy blush with embarrassment.

 

Zhangjing punched him in the arm lightly and stammered. “Ss-stop it. You know what I mean.”

 

Yanjun laughed.

 

“Oh, and by the way, I love you too, Yanjun.”

 

The casual way in which Zhangjing said it, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, made Yanjun fall in love all over again. The older boy said it simply and firmly like he was stating a fact, something that couldn’t be questioned or disputed.

 

Zhangjing spoke as if it was supposed to last forever.

 

And Yanjun wondered what he had ever done to deserve such a love.

 

* * *

 

Yanjun walked the older boy to the door of his room. _Our room._ He felt uncharacteristically choked up, standing at the door of the place he and Zhangjing shared, the space that belonged only to them. And the aching of the past few weeks consumed him, how he missed the older boy rolling his eyes when Yanjun told him a joke, Zhangjing’s soft smile whenever the older boy gave him compliments, the other boy squeezing his hand when they watched scary movies in his bed. It felt like forever since he had been close with Zhangjing, the weeks feeling like years.

 

Zhangjing paused at the door, his back to Yanjun, his hand frozen on the doorknob. And the older boy turned to face him, a hopeful expression on his face, his eyes pleading. Zhangjing’s voice was hesitant, nervous. “Do you want to come in?”

 

He swallowed, an indescribable feeling washing over him. It was odd to think that he needed to be invited into his own room, but it had been so long that Yanjun didn’t even remember what it felt like to walk into their room together. His voice came out hoarse when he tried to respond, and he cleared his throat to ease his nerves. “Yeah, sure. Can I?”

 

The older boy held out his hand wordlessly, and Yanjun took it. Opening the door felt like nostalgia, a distant reminder that he used to live there too. Zhangjing had kept the room spotless, a nice change from the mess of clothes that was scattered around the room before he left. The older boy motioned for him to sit down on the bottom bunk. _My bed._ It looked so empty, lacking the pillows and other things that he had moved to NongNong’s room.

 

It felt awkward sitting next to the older boy, and Yanjun stared down at his hands in his lap, not knowing where to look. Zhangjing’s hand slid over his, interlocking their fingers, curling his into the space between Yanjun’s. And he looked to his side, staring at everything he’s ever thought he wanted. The older boy was biting his lower lip, and the urge to offer chapstick welled up in him. _Back to where we started._

 

“Yanjun,” Zhangjing’s voice was soft, tender, and hearing his name tugged at his heart. “I-I just want to ask…” The older boy looked nervous. “Does this mean we’re dating?” The last word came out in a near-whisper that Yanjun had to strain to hear. “I mean, I love you, like really love you…and I don’t know if I can handle not being together, like together together…” And the words were tumbling out of Zhangjing’s mouth, turning into a senseless babble that seemed to just heighten the older boy’s anxiety, his voice getting higher and higher as he was trying to hold back tears.

 

He felt his heart breaking, chipped at the edges.

 

_So much unnecessary pain._

“I just don’t want you to leave me again.” Zhangjing said tearfully.

 

He swiped his thumbs over the older boy’s cheeks, stopping the tears in their tracks. “I won’t. Ever again. I promise.”

 

Yanjun leaned down to kiss Zhangjing lightly on the lips, and the older boy tasted bittersweet, full of regrets. “I love you, Zhangjing.” He meant it to be sweet, wanted Zhangjing to understand. The older boy mumbled against his lips. “I love you too, Yanjun.”

 

He pulled back, and the sight of the older boy made his breath catch in his throat. Zhangjing’s hair was messy, his lips parted, looking back at him with an intense gaze full of love and longing. _Love._ Yanjun realized with a shock that it isn’t the first time he’s seen it in Zhangjing’s gaze. Maybe he was just too stupid to recognize it before, too afraid to admit to himself that they could have a happy ending.

 

Before he could think much more about it, the older boy was halfway in his lap already, kissing him fiercely, pushing him backwards. And Yanjun was falling, falling, falling, his back hitting the bed, Zhangjing’s full weight on him, straddling his hips. The older boy was burning kisses into his skin, and Yanjun arched his back, groaning with arousal as he bucked up into Zhangjing, receiving a moan in response.

 

Zhangjing’s hands were everywhere, pulling him in tighter, closer. The older boy gasped as he slid his hands underneath Zhangjing’s shirt, fingers stroking the sensitive skin near the top of his jeans. “E-everything off, now.” Yanjun felt the desire curl in his stomach upon hearing the words. He loved when the older boy was a bit demanding, sentences becoming clipped and short whenever he wanted Yanjun desperately, needed the younger boy to give him release.

 

Yanjun stripped off his clothes as fast as he could, his shift off in one fluid motion, his cock springing free from his tight jeans, already hard. And somehow Zhangjing had gotten everything off even faster and was staring at him with a stupid amount of appreciation on his face. _Goddamn._

 

He pulled Zhangjing back on to the bed, fully intending on bending the older boy over and pounding him in the ass until the only Zhangjing knew how to say was his name. _Preferably in begging form._ Yanjun closed his eyes as the wave of arousal spread through him. _I’ve never wanted someone this badly._ All thoughts flew out of his head, hearing the older boy. “W-wait, I want to try being on top.”

 

Yanjun stared at Zhangjing, trying to fight his urges. His voice came out wanting, wanting for the older boy, eager to please. “Okay, I’ll just follow your lead, whatever you want.”

 

Zhangjing pushed him back on the bed so that he was lying flat and swung one leg over to straddle him, trapping him in between his thighs. _God._ The older boy had become more toned recently, moreso than their previous days as just trainees. And Yanjun enjoyed running his hands between the other boy’s legs from behind, watching Zhangjing shiver with pleasure as he touched the sensitive skin on his inner thighs and urged the older boy to spread his legs. He liked watching Zhangjing shake with the exertion of being on his knees too long receiving.

 

The thought made him move his hips automatically, surprising Zhangjing. “No, wait, don’t move.” The older boy was frowning at him, and Yanjun supposed it was meant to be a disapproving face, but Zhangjing came off looking more cute than anything else, causing Yanjun to smile. “You’re the one that said whatever I want.” The older boy said pointedly.

 

He gave in. “I did say that. So what do you want?”

 

“Just lie here for now.”

 

Yanjun felt the impatience brimming just below the surface, threatening to spill out. His voice felt hoarse. “I want you now.” Zhangjing hummed as he grabbed the lube, spreading a bit on his fingers and then over his opening. He made a mental note to himself. _I’d like to watch Zhangjing finger himself sometime._ The small whimper of pain snapped him out of his thoughts, and his concern was immediately palpable, tense in the air between them.

 

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

 

Zhangjing shook his head at him. “Nothing, it’s just been a while since I’ve had sex.” And now the older boy was blushing, biting his lower lip, and looking at him shyly. “The last time was with you.” He was almost too afraid to ask, his lips parting in a half-formed question that never came. But Zhangjing always understood even without words. “No, we didn’t.”

 

_Fuck._

A lump formed in his throat, and Yanjun didn’t know if he could ever again run away from how badly he needed Zhangjing. “Here, let me.” The older boy was still making an uncomfortable expression, trying to lower himself onto Yanjun. He pulled Zhangjing forward slightly, hands wrapping around the back of the older boy’s thighs.

 

“Oh.” The pant of arousal parted the older boy’s lips as he pressed his fingers up against Zhangjing’s opening. And he began rubbing in small circles, digging in slightly to loosen the older boy. Yanjun stared, watching Zhangjing’s face change, his pupils dilating with pleasure, a flush spreading over his cheeks. A whimper of need escaped from the older boy’s lips as he teasingly slipped one finger in halfway, and Yanjun’s arousal intensified, making his cock throb.

 

“O-Okay, I think that’s enough.” Zhangjing’s voice was shaky, his eyes wide.

 

Yanjun watched as the older boy lowered himself, his cock probing against Zhangjing’s entrance. He hissed as the tip slid in, fighting the desire to buck up and slide his full length into the older boy. And it seemed like forever before Zhangjing finished, slowly accepting him all the way to the base. The older boy stared at him without moving, silently taking it all in. “Yanjun, I love you.”

 

“I know.” He swallowed. “And I need you to know that I love you too. And that I love it when you say that to me. And I will spend the rest of my life making sure you say it back to me every day, but Zhangjing…” _Fuck._ “I really, really need you to move before I decide that we’re not doing whatever you want right now, and I just flip you over and fuck you until you can’t walk tomorrow.”

 

His words had the desired effect, and Yanjun smiled in pleasure at the blush that spread over Zhangjing’s face. But the older boy listened, and the motion made a long drawn out moan come out. Zhangjing was moving slowly, still growing accustomed to having Yanjun inside of him, and he marveled at how tight the older boy felt, clenched around his cock. The friction was killing him, and Yanjun reminded himself that he was supposed to let Zhangjing take the lead. He stared at the older boy’s face, watching Zhangjing’s nose scrunch up in the way it did when he was concentrating hard. Zhangjing looked up and caught him staring, immediately becoming embarrassed. “Don’t stare at me like that.”

 

Yanjun smirked. “Out of everything, it’s your boyfriend watching you ride his cock that makes you embarrassed?” He teased. “Besides, you told me not to do anything, so really, it’s you that told me I should watch.”

 

The words seemed to spur on the older boy, and Zhangjing’s gaze felt deadly. “Okay, watch then.”

 

He almost lost his restraint as Zhangjing started moving slightly faster, picking up more of a rhythm. Up, down, up down. Yanjun felt the older boy’s arousal increase, contracting harder against his cock. And he tilted his hips upwards at an angle, letting the older boy fall on to his cock easier. “Yanjun…”

 

Zhangjing’s needy moans filled the air as the older boy began rocking his hips back faster and harder against Yanjun. “I need…you…” The desire shot straight to his groin. _I want you to beg for it._ His words were innocent enough on the surface. “I thought you wanted me to stay still?”

 

The older was looking at him with desperation now, the unspoken begging written clearly all over his face. “Please, please…” And Zhangjing was still moving on his cock, the pulsating becoming more erratic and frequent. _Fuck, he’s close._

 

“Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you.”

 

The words came out in a pant. “Fuck me, Yanjun.”

 

Yanjun adjusted his hips, tilting, and making the older boy fall forward slightly on to his chest. He brought his hand up to cup Zhangjing’s cheek, his thumb brushing across the older boy’s lips. “Suck.” He watched, fascinated, as the older boy obediently took in his fingers, sucking lightly, sliding his tongue over them. He hardened more in the older boy, closing his eyes at the erotic feeling.

 

Zhangjing cried out at the unexpected fullness as Yanjun started to thrust hard and fast into the older boy, his thighs pressed up against Zhangjing from behind, his hands pulling down the other boy to kiss him fiercely. The older boy was whimpering into his mouth, making mewling sounds from the punishing pace. Yanjun bit down hard on Zhangjing’s neck, eliciting a sharp cry of pain that quickly turned to moans as he worked his tongue over the spot, teasing. The older boy was gasping in pleasure, and he could feel the other boy shaking in his arms. “I-I’m close.”

 

He lifted his hips higher, angling to push into the smaller boy deeper.

 

Zhangjing squeezed hard around him, screaming his name as he came.

 

* * *

 

Zhangjing couldn’t stop himself.

 

He knew that they were still walking a thin line with each other, but he needed to feel Yanjun on him, needed to be close to the younger boy. Every inch of him missed Yanjun, and before his mind could catch up, he was already on top of the younger boy, trying to find as much skin as possible.

 

“E-everything off, now.”

 

Zhangjing had his clothes off before the younger boy, and he watched as Yanjun stripped. _I forgot how good he looks._ But more than that, he had forgotten how good it felt to love the other boy, to have Yanjun next to him, always within reach. And all his feelings for the younger boy welled up in him, threatening to drown him. _I love you._

He wanted to savor the younger boy, go slowly, something that wasn’t always in Yanjun’s repertoire. The younger boy always wanted to go faster, harder, seemingly needing to always drive them both quickly toward the edge before staying there for a tantalizingly long time, teasing Zhangjing almost to tears before letting him come.

 

He straddled Yanjun after the younger boy agreed, shuddering at the feeling of Yanjun between his legs, the younger boy’s hip points digging into his sensitive inner thighs. The arousal settled in his groin, and his desire spiked when he felt Yanjun buck up against him, creating a much-needed friction between their bodies. 

 

But Zhangjing chided the other boy, wanting to control the tempo. “No, wait, don’t move.” Yanjun teased him, and he felt himself blushing, moving to grab the lube and spread some over his opening so the younger boy wouldn’t see his embarrassment. _Yanjun is always so impatient._ But the younger boy was only impatient because he was eager to get Zhangjing off quickly, eager to go multiple rounds after a short first one. _He is really insatiable._ The thought made him hot, and Zhangjing started to lower himself on to the younger boy’s cock, hissing with pain as he tried to move the tip in. Yanjun felt too big after not having sex the past few weeks, and his muscles automatically clenched upon feeling the probing. _I’m too tight right now._

 

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Yanjun was looking at him with concern, his eyebrows drawn together, his jaw tight and clenched.

 

Zhangjing felt the flush spreading up from his neck, his embarrassment pounding in his head. “Nothing, it’s just been a while since I’ve had sex. The last time was with you.” And the younger boy was looking at him questioningly now, a yearning to know and not know at the same time. Zhangjing bit his lip, trying to decide how best to tell him. “No, we didn’t.”

 

All the tension seemed to fall out of the younger boy’s face, his shoulders loosening in acceptance. “Here, let me.”

 

And he felt himself melting into Yanjun, the younger boy making him feel things, a pleasure he could only ever seem to reach when he was with Yanjun. He felt his mind go blank as the younger boy worked his magic, his slender fingers pushing against him in all the right ways, making him crave for Yanjun to be inside him. “O-Okay, I think that’s enough.”

 

He slid Yanjun’s cock in carefully, making sure not to tense up this time. The other boy went in easily, and Zhangjing stopped for a moment, relishing the feeling of fullness, the feeling of the other boy filling him up. And he needed Yanjun to know, know that he loved the younger boy, had only ever loved Yanjun alone. Zhangjing wasn’t sure if he succeeded, but he tried to push as much of his feelings as he could into one sentence. “Yanjun, I love you.”

 

Yanjun’s response made him blush. _Of course he’d make a joke now._ He started to move, feeling the tightness ease up a bit, but Zhangjing complained as soon as he felt Yanjun’s stare on him. “Out of everything, it’s your boyfriend watching you ride his cock that makes you embarrassed? Besides, you told me not to do anything, so really, it’s you that told me I should watch.”

 

Zhangjing felt dizzy, stunned at the younger boy’s words.

 

_Boyfriend._

Yanjun was his boyfriend.

 

The thought made him lightheaded and delirious with joy.

 

And it sounded like a challenge.

 

“Okay, watch then.”

 

He went faster and faster, intent on riling up the younger boy, encouraging him to lose his restraint. But Yanjun was staring at him, eyes darkened, his expression a mixture between arousal, desperation, and restraint. And it was Zhangjing who unraveled first, feeling his release approaching faster as Yanjun watched him trying to pleasure himself on the younger boy’s cock. He felt the frustration building in his lower body desperate to spill out. _I must look so needy right now._ And Yanjun was smirking at him, making him contract harder against the younger boy, pulsating frantically. The younger boy liked when he was needy during sex, liked when he begged for it, and he liked pleading for Yanjun. They fed off each other’s arousal, and this was the only time Yanjun was able to be patient during sex, waiting for Zhangjing to break first.

 

And he did, every time.

 

“I need…you…”

 

Zhangjing felt like he was in a haze, just repeating ‘please’ over and over again.

 

_Yanjun, please let me come, please make me come._

“Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you.”

 

The words came out involuntarily, a habit, used often. “Fuck me, Yanjun.”

 

He followed the younger boy’s instructions mindlessly, sucking on the younger boy’s fingers, frantic to do anything Yanjun wanted as long as the younger boy ended up fucking him senseless. He cried out at the first thrust in, at the unexpected movement. But then Yanjun was hitting him hard, finding the right spot quickly, a place Zhangjing couldn’t seem to find himself. He wasn’t sure why everything felt better when Yanjun was the one in control, and all he could feel was Yanjun in his mouth, catching his tongue as he moaned. Zhangjing gasped sharply when he felt the younger boy bite down, Yanjun’s tongue artfully tracing circles over his skin, setting him on fire.

 

“I-I’m close.”

 

His release was intense and hard, and he was yelling Yanjun’s name as he rode out the tail end of his orgasm, coming down from his pleasure, bright spots dancing in the periphery of his vision.

 

Zhangjing collapsed on top of the younger boy, feeling contentment as he felt Yanjun wrap his arms around him. He nuzzled the other boy’s neck, murmuring. “I love you.” The younger boy was running his fingers through his hair, and Zhangjing basked in the feeling of being doted on. Zhangjing was exhausted, and his eyes began to close, the thought of sleep tugging at his mind, the encouraging lull of Yanjun’s heartbeat.

 

The younger boy’s words brought him back though, making him feel very awake. “Are you ready to go again?”

 

He opened his eyes to stare at Yanjun, his chin digging into the younger boy’s chest, making the other boy wince slightly. “Again?”

 

Yanjun’s eyes were dark with arousal still, and his voice was low and throaty. “Yeah, again. I didn’t come yet.”

 

Zhangjing shot up in surprise and indignation, raising himself off of the younger boy’s chest so that he was sitting instead of lying over Yanjun. “All of that and you didn’t even finish?”

 

The younger boy laughed at him, clearly amused. “I was busy trying to take care of you first.” His voice was light. “Aren’t you happy and satisfied right now?”

 

“I am, but I like it when we finish together.” He pouted.

 

Yanjun cupped his cheek with a hand, a lazy smile gracing his features. “We could finish together this time.” The younger boy’s other hand came up to grab at his cock, and Zhangjing could feel himself hardening with arousal again.

 

“But I’m tired right now.” He whined. “Can we wait a little bit longer first?”

 

The younger boy’s expression was dark, dangerous with desire. “This won’t take long.”

 

A shudder of arousal ran through him.

 

Yanjun took note of his lack of further protest and flipped him over on to his back, trapping him underneath. And Zhangjing felt the stirrings of desire in his groin. _When Yanjun gets like this, I’m in trouble._ He braced himself, waiting for the younger boy to ramp up quickly, knowing that Yanjun wanted, no, needed to finish.

 

But when the younger boy pushed into him, it was slow, patient. “Wrap your legs around me.” Zhangjing did as asked, digging his knees into Yanjun’s sides, making the other boy groan with pleasure. Yanjun leaned down to press a kiss into his forehead, and Zhangjing was mesmerized staring into the younger boy’s eyes, full of yearning and love. “I want to watch you as I fuck you today.” And Yanjun started moving slowly, gradually filling him up with each thrust, coming to stop each time he pushed in so that Zhangjing could feel everything. The younger boy was pressing kisses into his face, hard and heavy, not meant to tease like his usual ones, but ones meant to leave a mark, an impression.

 

Zhangjing groaned, rolling his hips upwards to create more friction as Yanjun sucked on his lower lip. The slower pace made the desire build up in him gradually instead of their usual quick peak. And Yanjun was still staring at him tenderly, his fingers stroking the side of his face. “Zhangjing, I really love you.” The words were whispered into his ear, Yanjun’s hot breath on his neck.

 

And he knew the younger boy meant it.

 

He wrapped his arms around Yanjun’s neck to pull him closer, needing to be closer to the younger boy, knowing that he can’t ever let him go.

 

Yanjun was staring at him so intensely that Zhangjing was afraid the other boy would break from the effort. But then the younger boy smiled, his dimples deepening into little half moons that Zhangjing just wanted to fall into.

 

_That smile._

And all of a sudden, the younger boy was murmuring ‘I love you’ into his skin, peppering tiny kisses everywhere, every inch that he could access. Zhangjing gasped as his back arched to meet Yanjun’s mouth automatically, and the younger boy was thrusting faster now, picking up the pace. And he squeezed his legs harder to accommodate Yanjun, feeling all the pleasure that had built up break loose and spread through him.

 

He came loudly, the name of the other boy on his lips.

 

Yanjun was quiet though, a low groan let loose as he released.

 

But as he felt the younger boy fill him, Yanjun bent down to kiss his cheek and nuzzle his neck, whispering his name softly but firmly in his ear.

 

“Zhangjing.”

 

* * *

 

Yanjun smiled at the older boy who was hopping around on the other end of the stage. Zhangjing was giggling over something, gesturing wildly at the person next to him, Zhengting. The Yuehua boy was nodding animatedly, listening to Zhangjing tell his story while they waited for staff to set up their next game segment. Zhengting had been paired off with Zhangjing, and Yanjun was with Ziyi.

 

For the first time in a long time, it didn’t hurt seeing his boyfriend standing next to Zhengting.

 

_His boyfriend._

They were still getting used to the term, the word feeling slightly foreign in both of their mouths. But Yanjun persistently used it, delighted in the way it made Zhangjing perk up every time he did.

 

He had finally settled his debt with Zhengting, approaching the other boy alone the other day. The Yuehua boy had apologized for punching him, and Yanjun had apologized for everything else. He had sensed a fleeting sadness, but Zhengting had been a lot stronger than he was when he thought he would lose Zhangjing. The other boy took it in stride, putting on a brave face and declaring that his match was out there somewhere. And Yanjun didn’t doubt it. Zhengting was too perfect to not have hordes of potential suitors falling at his feet.

 

Zhengting caught his eye from across the stage, giving him a small smile and slight nod.

 

Yanjun surveyed the rest of his groupmates. Ziyi and Xukun chatting in a group with Xiao Gui, with Xiao Gui windmilling his arms, his energy much greater than his small frame. Xukun and Ziyi were touching shoulders, the only outward hint that betrayed how close they were. Justin and ChengCheng running around bugging NongNong, taking turns trying to make the Taiwanese boy laugh. NongNong looked bemused, crossing his arms and shaking his head in exasperation.

 

A sense of gratitude welled up in him.

 

_I’m so lucky to have all of them._

And they were heading off stage now, the fanmeeting over, the bright lights gone. And Yanjun lingered, feeling the quiet and letting the darkness swallow him up, alone with his thoughts finally.

 

Yanjun heard him before he felt the hand slip into his, intertwining their fingers.

 

“Come on, Yanjun.” Zhangjing whined, tugging on his hand. “Everyone left already, but I wanted to wait for you. You’re supposed to stay with me.”

 

A distant memory stirred in the back of his head, the whispered words that came to him in his sleep, the image of Zhangjing looking down at him lovingly.

 

_I will, always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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